Wednesday, February 16, 2011
So far this week has not been a good one. I got in a big fight with my mom on Monday and have had a headache ever since. I'm not sleeping well and I am in a bad mood. So today I figured the best therapy for this foul mood and headache would be to run my W8D2. I failed. I knew I was feeling bad with the headache and part of my mood is feeling like a failure. There are many things in my life that have made me feel like a failure and I won't take all night boring you with the details but not making my run today did not help.
It actually didn't start out too bad. I allowed myself to run at a comfortable pace rather than holding back to conserve energy like I usually do. I just went and focused on the spots in front of me. I listened to my music and actually felt pretty good. I made it through mile one and into my comfort zone quicker than normal. I was going good but kept having to bring my mind back to focusing on running and not on how far I had left to go. This has been my problem because I just keep thinking about how far I have left. My sister is one who likes to see how much she has left as it drives her forward for me it makes me feel hopeless. When the timer chimed in and told me I was half way there I was fine physically but mentally I had been fighting for a while. At week 8 half way there is 14 minutes with another 14 left. I kept going but when the voice came on and said I had 10 minutes left I just stopped. I didn't think about it I didn't stumble and try to keep going I just stopped. I still don't understand why its like I lost all drive, all forward motion..all everything,
I wanted to cry just like so many things in my life I had failed. I could feel the tears coming on but I decided I would try to go some more. I ran another minute and it said five minutes left and I lost it again. It was just too much I couldn't do it. I started walking again and then when it said one minute I powered as hard as I could for that last minute. The damage had been done though I had failed. After 8 weeks I had failed for the first time. Two weeks from my first race and I couldn't make it more than 18 minutes. Again I felt the tears welling until I saw the dog. The big pit bull that came up to my thigh running full speed toward me. My heart went back up to full speed and I started shaking. I just kept thinking to not make eye contact and to keep my walking pace even. I was actually thankful that I had stopped running as I know the dog would have chased me if I had still been running. Now that pup didn't seem mean and I think she really wanted me to love on her but I was scared. That dog followed me for half a mile until some woman opened her garage door and the pup went off to investigate.
Still now I had to go back to thinking that I was a failure. I tried to stop those thoughts by reminding myself that a lot of people have to repeat weeks. I've heard of a ton of people who haven't made it through first go round. I had to tell myself that there was no shame in repeating a day or even a week. My sister even said she had to repeat several weeks several times. I have to accept that not making a run does not mean I'm a failure. I've tried telling myself these things all day.
Well when I got back I called my sister. Not only is she my best friend she is also the one who got me into running. Her advice was to forget the C25K. She said I've pretty much finished the program and I should just move on. I ran 28 minutes on Monday so I know I can do that and what's two more minutes. She thinks that I've made my running too much about finishing the program, too much of a chore, a do or die situation. Running used to make me feel pride and accomplishment now its a chore that needs to be done. I love running and the first two miles is amazing its that stupid timer telling me how much more like the minutes before lunch or quitting time. She thinks I need to go back to running for pleasure and forget the timers and the distance to just run because I want to run for as long as I want to go.
For the last two days I have been in a bad place mentally and emotionally. This place has caused problems in my sleeping and given me a headache. Running is a mental game and I'm not good mentally right now. I do have some good and that's that I have still been doing my bootcamp workouts and keeping my food good. I thought about giving up everything (my weight looks like it will go back up or stay this week) but I knew that wouldn't help. I know I have to keep going forward and accept this small setback as just a speed bump in the road to healthier life.