50,000-59,999 SparkPoints 55,261


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

So far this week has not been a good one. I got in a big fight with my mom on Monday and have had a headache ever since. I'm not sleeping well and I am in a bad mood. So today I figured the best therapy for this foul mood and headache would be to run my W8D2. I failed. I knew I was feeling bad with the headache and part of my mood is feeling like a failure. There are many things in my life that have made me feel like a failure and I won't take all night boring you with the details but not making my run today did not help.

It actually didn't start out too bad. I allowed myself to run at a comfortable pace rather than holding back to conserve energy like I usually do. I just went and focused on the spots in front of me. I listened to my music and actually felt pretty good. I made it through mile one and into my comfort zone quicker than normal. I was going good but kept having to bring my mind back to focusing on running and not on how far I had left to go. This has been my problem because I just keep thinking about how far I have left. My sister is one who likes to see how much she has left as it drives her forward for me it makes me feel hopeless. When the timer chimed in and told me I was half way there I was fine physically but mentally I had been fighting for a while. At week 8 half way there is 14 minutes with another 14 left. I kept going but when the voice came on and said I had 10 minutes left I just stopped. I didn't think about it I didn't stumble and try to keep going I just stopped. I still don't understand why its like I lost all drive, all forward motion..all everything,

I wanted to cry just like so many things in my life I had failed. I could feel the tears coming on but I decided I would try to go some more. I ran another minute and it said five minutes left and I lost it again. It was just too much I couldn't do it. I started walking again and then when it said one minute I powered as hard as I could for that last minute. The damage had been done though I had failed. After 8 weeks I had failed for the first time. Two weeks from my first race and I couldn't make it more than 18 minutes. Again I felt the tears welling until I saw the dog. The big pit bull that came up to my thigh running full speed toward me. My heart went back up to full speed and I started shaking. I just kept thinking to not make eye contact and to keep my walking pace even. I was actually thankful that I had stopped running as I know the dog would have chased me if I had still been running. Now that pup didn't seem mean and I think she really wanted me to love on her but I was scared. That dog followed me for half a mile until some woman opened her garage door and the pup went off to investigate.

Still now I had to go back to thinking that I was a failure. I tried to stop those thoughts by reminding myself that a lot of people have to repeat weeks. I've heard of a ton of people who haven't made it through first go round. I had to tell myself that there was no shame in repeating a day or even a week. My sister even said she had to repeat several weeks several times. I have to accept that not making a run does not mean I'm a failure. I've tried telling myself these things all day.

Well when I got back I called my sister. Not only is she my best friend she is also the one who got me into running. Her advice was to forget the C25K. She said I've pretty much finished the program and I should just move on. I ran 28 minutes on Monday so I know I can do that and what's two more minutes. She thinks that I've made my running too much about finishing the program, too much of a chore, a do or die situation. Running used to make me feel pride and accomplishment now its a chore that needs to be done. I love running and the first two miles is amazing its that stupid timer telling me how much more like the minutes before lunch or quitting time. She thinks I need to go back to running for pleasure and forget the timers and the distance to just run because I want to run for as long as I want to go.

For the last two days I have been in a bad place mentally and emotionally. This place has caused problems in my sleeping and given me a headache. Running is a mental game and I'm not good mentally right now. I do have some good and that's that I have still been doing my bootcamp workouts and keeping my food good. I thought about giving up everything (my weight looks like it will go back up or stay this week) but I knew that wouldn't help. I know I have to keep going forward and accept this small setback as just a speed bump in the road to healthier life.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I agree with your sister. You don't need the program any more. You ARE prepared for the race. You need to believe that you ARE going to finish this race. And the next race, and the next, and the next.

    Just because you didn't meet a goal doesn't make you a failure. A failure is someone who doesn't try!

    2983 days ago
  • RRFIT72
    Hang in there!! The mental challenges are indeed TOUGH, but we must push through them. Let's get out to the 5k course this weekend and enjoy a good run. I find it so much easier to run with someone, they help me forget about everything else and concentrate on me and the moment.
    2983 days ago
    Sometimes emotions will not let you finish. It does not mean you failed. Look at how far you have come! I agree with your sister too, you don't have to finish the program, why don't you just do what you want to do? After I finished the C25K and lost my B210K pod casts and found myself on the street w/ no running plan, I just winged it.

    And when thinking of what is left to do... I don't think that, I think with every foot strike that is so many feet behind me that I have accomplished. How many more feet can I add to that... try thinking that.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2983 days ago
    It was just a bad day. Everyone has them.
    I hope that today is a much better one for you.
    2983 days ago
  • MAGGIE805
    Thank God for sisters! My sister is my best friend and I am hers. We bring out the worst and the very best in each other.

    Sometimes it's hard to accept the fact that we didn't make a goal. I know when it happens to me I get irritable and feel like a bit of a failure . But I just keep pushing until I do . You are almost there and I know you can do it.
    2983 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/17/2011 2:32:37 AM
    A small setback is what it is, you will have a better day today.
    2983 days ago
    you did awesome!!! seriously you can't have a good run every time! you will be surprise! it's part of running and once you got the physical down!

    it's all 100% mental game! if you think u can't, the is run is doomed from the start!!!!
    2983 days ago
    You ran for 18 minutes?! HOORAY!!! Could you have done that a year ago, or even a month ago? You got out there and ran. That is a SUCCESS!

    Humans are complicated, and nowhere more so than in the area of motivation. You learned something valuable about what doesn't work for you. That will make it that much easier to hone in on something that does.

    I think your sister may have the right idea. And what's more, I think YOU know what works best for you. So you've tried this tool, and it did what it did. If you don't like where the movie's going it's okay to walk out of the theater. This is no different.

    Choose another tool that fits you better to help you reach your goals.

    2983 days ago
    Luna- Sounds like your sister knows you pretty well, is that the case? If so then maybe her advice is that best advice. I'm kind of like your sister in wanting to know how far/ much time I have left, so I will like those chimes as I get up there week wise, but not everyone does and I can understand that, I need a goal and I need to know how close I am to finishing, it doesn't always make sense, but it works for me.
    You have pretty much completed the program, and if you know that you can do it from here on your own then do it on your own- do not let something that you enjoy turn into a chore- trust me on this one, it sucks to lose things that you love because you have made them work.
    2983 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.