Saturday, February 12, 2011
well its about 5 am--have been awake for awhile now. dogs out for potty--laying in bed listening to robs even breathing as he sleeps. yesterday actually turned out okay. i had only slept maybe 2 hr. the night before and i was so tired-told myself to just concentrate on getting2 miles in walking--but once i was moving i did all 5 plus my kettle bells. we did forget to do our boot camp last night--we don't have a routine down for that now since we officially finished the 28 day challenge but we just want to keep doing the workouts because we like them.
it occurred to me this morning that someone needs to invent a scale with an option that only tells you the amount of gain or loss--not your actual weight. maybe there is one. i have had rob keep track of my weight--he only tells me if it is different from the previous week and how much, so i can enter it into my weight tracker. i was just going to do this for the short term--but i actually like handling my weigh ins so much more this way. there is NO anxiety at all because i know i won't see the number. i am really surprised at how much this has helped me mentally. he said he doesn't mind doing it--he is tracking both our weights in a notebook. without a number to worry about i am much more able to focus on all the other factors that we are SUPPOSED to be focusing on in the first place.
isn't it weird the things that empower us? i have less knowledge but more control. i keep seeing blogs of people in their 40s that are exactly where i was in my 40s. it must be a phase of life thing--where you realize the weight issue won't go away until you resolve the reasons behind the eating and the body size. in all honesty i must confess i never managed to "crack that nut". was the weight a protective mechanism? was the food a result of the emotional trauma in my life? maybe. try as i might i was never able to completely peel the onion. but now in my 50s my perspective has changed. and the true basis of where i am not is that a lot of things that used to really matter--i could now give a flying eff about. my looks don't matter. its nice to look good, but i don't define myself by that. my weight doesn't matter--my activity level does. i like being outdoors and in motion, doing good honest, dirty physical work. i want to be able to do as much of that as possible for as long as possible. food has somehow lost its power to be a crutch. don't know if the need for the crutch is gone or if it has been replaced by something else. i am able to stand farther back and observe food before i grab and eat it. i am ready to step forward and embrace and try new things. soon as the weather breaks i will begin to learn chi running. while my self confidence is still not especially high, my self acceptance IS. i feel like i am standing on the edge of a new phase of my life. its time to go forward.