Oh, sleep! What a fickle beast you are! I wish you would, for once, remain in some sort of stable, predictable state. Right now, you're as bad as the weather outside. Hot one day, cold the next. Snow in the morning, sunshine and high 40s in the afternoon. It's enough to drive a person crazy!
Let's face it folks...my sleeping schedule is ruined. In the past week or so, I was enjoying the fall-asleep-fast effects of pushing my body to its limits. When a 1-hour drive to work is followed by 10-hours working, which is followed by another hour drive to the gym, which is followed by at least an hour working myself to near exhaustion is then followed by cooking dinner and trying to get things like laundry and cleaning done in the final hours before bedtime - a girl hits the pillow and falls fast asleep, thankful to finally get some rest.
Last Wednesday, my husband and I went to dinner for our anniversary. Sure, I had taken off work early around 1pm, but I had then spent over an hour at the gym, warming up, strength training some difficult moves, and then pushing myself into a 30 minute cardio session. When I got home I sat down for about 10 minutes before I had to be up and moving again. I hadn't eaten a lot that day either, trying to save up enough calories and sodium for a dinner out, and I needed to shower and change and then drive the 45 minutes to Parkersburg (because Hubs rarely drives...I'm just better with directions and remembering the roads and figuring out which way to go and all that). When we sat down at the table, I wanted to put my head down and sleep, but I shook myself and tried to focus on the man in front of me and what we'd accomplished together in 9+ years of being together. I ate dinner without guilt, knowing my body needed energy and accepting that this anniversary was one for the record books because we managed to make it through the day without fighting and managed to communicate to one another how strong our love was. After dinner, we went to the mall. I could still feel the burn from my workout as we walked down the suddenly LOOOOONG corridor that is the middle of the mall. I was slow, but I wanted to enjoy this time. After trying clothes on at LB, and getting that happy feeling of fitting into 22s, a size I haven't worn since early high school days, we headed back to the car and over to Home Depot. I admit it, I was beat by this point. I felt like I would pass out from exhaustion at any moment, but Hubs had gone through LB with me, the most I could do was walk around Home Depot with him for a few. When we got out to the car, though, the charade was over. "Can you drive?" I asked politely, and then managed to keep my eyes open enough to help him find his way out of Parkersburg (for those who have been there, you know what a challenge that might be!). Once we were on the freeway, though...I was out. Flipped the switch and was done.
Thursday? Oh, yea...I spent almost the entire day in bed sleeping. My body was done and it let me know that by refusing to get out of bed even to pee! I spent the better part of my day in bed, and the rest of the day running around like a crazy person trying to make up for all the time I had wasted while sleeping. (After I cut myself with a knife in my haste, Hubs insisted I take it easy.)
Saturday was a hard emotional day for me. With Ethan's bad behavior recently and me trying to get through to him in a long drawn-out talk, with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking as a mother, it was enough to drain a person of all hope. I slept restlessly that night, plagued with nightmares that, at least for me, always come in full-color box-office-magic movie form. People would have paid top dollar to watch my nightmare that night. The story was good, with suspense and mystery and supernatural elements. Fear was throughout...so was gore. But when your children and loved ones are involved in the action, it makes it difficult to watch. But even though my sleep was a bit restless, it was long and quick coming. After getting the boys' haircut and spending the rest of the day cleaning and doing laundry (again!), I was tired. I stayed up to watch Hubs' UFC fight with him. (I actually enjoy them more now that I can tell more about what's going on following my boxing lesson - I'm sitting there pointing out "Oh, he's left handed!" and "Ooh, this guy is going to have some amazing kicks!" --- btw, that prediction of mine rang true as the guy I said it about defeated his opponent in the 2nd round with a kick to the chin. See! Told ya! *lol*) My body wanted to sleep, but I wanted to stay up...and I won. But as soon as my head hit the pillow, all bets were off.
Last night I expected more of the same. Sure, like Saturday, I didn't get a workout in. Yesterday was a scheduled rest day. I spent some time cleaning the living room, spent more time doing laundry (again! I swear I'm almost caught up! *lol*), and spent some time putting away all the groceries after a long shopping trip (but I still forgot 2-3 things! DOH! *sigh*). I sat down to write out my recipes in a notebook, and then took the time to figure out what meal would fit each day. I watched my team win the Super Bowl and then watched Glee after. When I got back to bed, I felt that familiar "I'm exhausted and ready for sleep feeling." Unfortunately, Hubs didn't feel it. He wanted to chat and snuggle and such...and I gave in because I love spending time with him and because I knew he really wanted that time. But when it was time to roll over and go to sleep - I couldn't. And the thing that was most in my way? My body.
No, seriously, I'm going to rant for a minute, but please understand that I'm not upset about these things...just confused, irked and noting them for future reference.
My body is bonier than ever.
I know, I know - I'm still over 300 pounds. I get that. But I don't EVER remember my body being anything other than plump and round and soft. Now my knees jab me and my hip bone hurts when I lay on my side, and my elbows aren't comfy pillows anymore. My stomach seems to have come up more, and that's causing parts of my leg to be exposed that I'm just not used to. And (boys, close your eyes) - my poor vajayjay hasn't been this exposed for ...well, I just don't remember a time.
My body, while I love the changes it's making, is becoming a bit uncomfortable again.
I know this is temporary. This happened to me when my collarbones came out. I kept brushing against them and felt like my hands were being cut. I had issues with feeling more of the muscles in my leg and feeling some discomfort there. It lasted a few weeks or so and then I grew accustomed to it. Sometimes I purposely brush past my collarbones now because I love the way they feel. And most days those muscles in my leg make me smile. They are my strength. They are what carries me through. And even if no one else sees the power in these legs, just feeling it is enough to put a smile on my face.
Well, it seems that now I've hit another period of adjustment. My hands. My hips. My RIBS! (Seriously?) I can't say I'm surprised that I'm a little unnerved by the changes...I knew that was coming even though nobody seems to talk about it (the only mention I've ever heard is from my mother, who says roller coasters are no longer any fun because they whip her around too much and it hurts her boney body). But I never expected it to happen so soon, and so often...and in stages. I mean, I guess it's better that way...but it takes periods of adjustment to get used to where I am.
I'm going to admit something to all of you right here and right now...
Sometimes I'm afraid of losing too fast.
There...I said it.
It's not as often as the fear of losing too slow...but it's there like this small doubt in the back of my mind.
The changes can scare me a bit.
What's with the change in my sleeping patterns?
What am I supposed to do now that I rarely get sick? Can I trust that or is it a fluke?
Why does my body keep poking me?
HOW DO YOU SKINNY CHICKS DO IT?!
Yep, I say that a lot. Hubs laughs at me. He laughed at me Wednesday when I told him that my jeans were hurting my "special place" because my stomach doesn't act as the big buffer it once was.
TMI? Sorry! Truth? Absolutely!
How do you skinny people do it?
Do jeans ever get comfortable again? I used to live in the things, and now I'm considering giving them up! Am I going to be one of those people who wears dresses all the time now? WTF?!
This whole business of losing a lot of weight is an interesting journey, to say the least. Sure, there are the things people talk about - the increased energy, the better skintone, the improved digestion. But what about the stuff people don't mention? What about the fact that I can't seem to trust my body for longer than 5 seconds because it keeps changing on me?! Case in point - the size 22 trouser pants I bought Wednesday night? I put them on this morning and they felt as loose as the 24s felt that night. Fluke? Am I just having a "skinny day?" How can fat girls have skinny days? None of this makes any sense to me.
I'm just going with the flow for now. I'm just making mental notes of the changes that happen and reminding myself that they're all happening to make me into the lean, fit, healthy person I always wanted to be, and always could have been with the right effort put behind it.
But still...WTF, dude?!