Where do I begin

Sunday, February 06, 2011

The last week, I have been trying to figure out many things. I can admit that on last Sunday, I slumped into a depression. I have realized so many things about myself that have hindered me in all my goals. All of last week, I gave into emotional eating. I had no physical activity other than going to work each day. Making it through the day at work took all I had to not completely breakdown and cry all day. My anxiety has been at an all time high, the highest ever. Tuesday, I finally decided to make me an appointment with a therapist. I was so frustrated that day because they were all telling me it would be almost 2 weeks before they could see me. Finally, I found someone who could see me on Thursday. Then, due to the weather, the appointment was canceled and they couldn't set another appointment until Friday this week. GRRRRR.....each night I cried after thinking more and more about why I am the way I am. Thank goodness my husband hasn't left me. He has been extremely understanding and wants me to seek therapy. I have been completely distancing myself from everyone, including my husband. And it occurs even more so when he is trying to compliment me and encourage me. I simply feel that I am not good enough no matter what I do. I seem to set goals and sabotage myself so that I don't make them. That is hard to admit, but I will be getting therapy to overcome this. As much as I try to get it through my head (that I am good enough), I find myself slipping deeper and deeper into thinking I am not good enough. I sometimes feel that I get close to believing it and then I miss a goal and slip back into it. I also believe that unless I go to therapy, I will not be successful at losing the weight I would like to lose.

I debated on sharing as I am embarrassed and ashamed for feeling this way. But, the first step to fixing me is admitting I have a problem. I know this is going to be hard work and in no way easy, but I hope to overcome this all.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So proud of you for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do it. It's good to know that you have others that have experienced this and can help you along and share their experiences.

    I know you will find your inner-self and conquer this depression. It is not going to be easy, but you are worth it and the time it takes will be so rewarding in the end. I have similar issues with sabotage and not feeling good enough. I can't take compliments from my husband much less from myself, but I am working on it. I am not on medication for depression but I am taking a medication to help with my anxiety and such, which has made my marriage and life so much better. I was horrible before, to my husband and others. I am a NEW person now (going on 3 years..yay!!). I am NOT ashamed to admit it, as it has been a miracle and a lifesaver. I still struggle with self-image, etc. but that is NOT what the meds are for, but again, I am working on that and in time I will see the amazing person I have always been.

    Keep your head up and keep sharing. We are here for you!!

    Blessings to you for a new day!!
    3579 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6821505
    im so sorry that youre having to deal with all of these emotions. i, too, have dealt with these before as well. there is definitely no shame in seeking help, and sharing things here. i think it is the first step to your recovery and getting healthier. you deserve to feel good about yourself, your body, your life, everything! you are WORTH IT! i am glad you made your appt, even if it did get canceled, but im even more glad you didnt give up and rescheduled it. hang in there! you will be okay. big hugs girl!
    3580 days ago
  • JLWOF1
    I'm so sorry that you feel so miserable. You deserve better. Definitely keep the therapist appt. If I could afford to see one weekly, I would! When you're depressed, nothing in your life seems right. I should know, I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager. Were it not for medication, I would stay in a state of depression. Life is too short and too precious to not to do something about it if you're feeling bad emotionally. You can't feel good about your outside until you feel good on the inside. And YOU ARE WORTH IT and GOOD ENOUGH! Tell yourself that until you believe it, because it's the truth. We are all here for you. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Sparkers are here to support not to judge. Most of us can relate because we've been there. Let us help you. Let your husband help you. You are a wonderful person and will overcome this.
    3580 days ago
    No shame. And no shame in seeking someone to help you. If exercise is a way to strengthen your body, then therapy is a way to strength train your mental health. This society puts the importance towards how you look physcially, but it's the mental and emotional which are far more important and undeniably linked.
    3580 days ago
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