Thursday, February 03, 2011
I have made a vow to begin every blog with something positive about myself. So here we go.
Yesterday I felt sexy. I actually felt sexy. Matt had to stay up north in Morristown in a Hyatt for work for a week. The company puts him up and pays for his meals and mileage. It’s about an hour north and we decided Wednesday I would drive up north and we would go out to dinner and I’d stay overnight. I drove up and we had a delicious dinner. Afterward we hung out in the hotel and it was very warm so I wore my panties and a tank top. And when I was leaving the bathroom I caught a glimpse of myself and actually LIKED it. I could see the edges of my hips, the curve of my waist (I HAVE A WAIST!) and I just felt really proud of everything I’ve done. And over the past few days I’m definitely accepting and trying to love myself more. Today when I left the gym, I noticed my arms looked REALLY big. The muscles are a little tender and swollen so they looked bigger than normal. And I was looking at my muscles, flexing and turning and I realized I am toned. Not just a little. I am TONED. When I am flexed theres no sag on my arms, theres no fat there at all. My shoulders are sculpted and my chest is tight and firm. My breasts look perky because of the muscle I’ve built with pushups. And I’m extremely happy with my legs. They’re buff and toned. I’m slightly self-conscious of the size of my quads because I am short the muscle has grown significantly instead of becoming lean it’s bulky. But you know what? I’m okay with it. That’s pure muscle that is always burning calories, always keeping me strong, launches me when I run, and keeps me moving. I am slowly beginning to love myself.
I decided to start each blog with something positive about myself because I am really making the effort to start to accept my size and love myself the way I am. I will always want to improve, but I can truly say the ONLY thing right now I wish would shrink is my belly. My arms and legs are pure muscle but my belly bugs me. But it’s okay, it keeps me motivated.
I’m constantly changing my workout plan and changing what I am doing. This past week, I made the decision that on the days I work a lot and have school I will go easy on myself. And the days I am off or have a shorter day, I will do more if I feel I want to. I am trying to be okay with doing less. Today I did 45 minutes on an elliptical and did most of the ab moves from that Trouble Zones dvd. I was thinking about doing the entire dvd, but the past 2 days of workouts I have felt like my stamina is very low. It could be from all the strength training I’ve done (Jillian is no joke) so tomorrow I am still debating giving myself an ENTIRE day off. Debating. I had a very good friend tell me she thinks I am burning out. I burst a blood vessel in my eye a few days ago, and it kind of scared me. Am I straining too much with my strength training? And I really feel like this is an addiction. This is an addiction to working out and exercising. I’m working on it. I am always working on it, trying to tell myself it’s okay to do less. Then when I tell myself it’s okay to do less, I end up doing more. Because that inner voice says “well if you’re on here 45 mins, might as well go to 60.” And today I fought that voice and only did 45, and it’s something I have to truly work on. I know I can stay in shape by cutting back on my intense cardio and focusing on strength. I just need to convince my mind of that.
So right now I have a pot of sauce on the stove. I LOVE making my own sauce. I don’t use any salt, so it’s practically no sodium and I use fresh garlic and basil. It is delicious and I will be making eggplant parmesan tonight, healthy style. I have my reduced fat Parmesan cheese (twenty calories for 2 tsp. can’t beat it). Tonight I’m going out with some friends at 9 for food. This is where the addict/OCD comes out. What do I get when everyone’s getting appetizers? Then I turn to myself and say no. You are 133 pounds. You lost 72 pounds and work your ASS off. Get an appetizer and split it with someone. I am allowed to enjoy. I am allowed to have a light beer. I can have fun with my friends and NOT feel guilty. I work out 6 days a week. I will not gain it all back by having appetizers with my friends. ENJOY YOUR LIFE. Exact reason I am having eggplant for dinner. Very low in calories, to leave room for going out. Stop being a party pooper.
I’m insane. But I need to enjoy my life more. I had half a bagel this morning with Matt at breakfast with some butter and it was the best bagel I’ve ever had because I hadn’t had one in probably 6 months. I’m allowed. I AM ALLOWED! I will not be controlled by food. I will not punish myself for eating out. I will keep on living, keep on moving, and stay POSITIVE. I look damn good and deserve to enjoy.
Yeah I’m going to be committed haha. Thanks for listening. I also want to start having a "song of the day". Today my song is "Weightless" by Natasha Bedingfield. Download or youtube it. It's amazing and very motivational!