grasshopper gains knowledge
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
the other day it dawned on me. as a diet veteran of way more years than i would like to admit, i realized that something is different this time. i always start out with lots of determination and hope and usually i succeed--for awhile. at some point the weight loss slows and life gets in the way and slowly but inexorably my eating practices change back and my weight changes back along with it. i realize that for me weight loss (in my head) has never just been the loss. the LOSS is only a part of the pattern. the unspoken part of the sentence has always been that the weight will come back. i realize now that when i near my goal weight i always get really afraid and worried about the weight coming back. the dreaded visitor that camps out on the sofa and won't go away because it feels so comfortable and welcome. in gaining it back i enact what in my head has become the second part of weight loss. isn't that weird? no matter how well i start out, the seeds of failure have always been planted right alongside my good intentions. the good intentions grow quickly because i lavish so much attention and care upon them--but at some point i accept the idea that the growing season for success will end, and the weeds of failure will then sprout and flourish.
this time its different. i don't know why exactly, but i don't feel the failure--as an integral part of the process it isn't there. what has taken its place is not shifting backwards into old behaviors, but shifting forward into new ones. the idea of permanent fitness and mindful healthy eating has changed from a pipe dream to a true possibility. the map of my future is being redrawn--first by my outside actions--writing affirmations, spending time on this website, articulating my goals. but these outside actions are making their way into my internal thoughts. it is a very powerful feeling--and i understand that i no longer have to simply carry a futile hope that it can last--all i have to do is follow this new map and it WILL.