Winter just wasn't my season
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I don't think I have felt like myself now in about a week and I cannot pinpoint why. I went through some stress and anxiety this week that I feel like I am still recovering from. Had a very tough time with several aspects of my life, and then today had my car break down. My eating habits swung out of control for about three days then I got them back under control although I feel like I'm still adjusting back to "normal" for me. But I cant like give a definitive answer as to why I feel "off". Physically I've been working out, feeling pretty good. Been giving myself room to breathe these past few days. Nothing crazy but tonight I had a few munchkins after a decaf while I was stressing over the 300 dollars for my car. But in my mind I said, a few munchkins is nothing compared to the damage I COULD do. Then that tiny pinprick of fear bubbles in the back of my mind and says "This is how it begins. You think a few munckins is okay then tomorrow a donut then the next day a coffee roll until you're eating wendys for lunch, mcdonalds for dinner and gain all 70 pounds back!".
Then I calm down and breathe. No, I tell myself. I work out. I go to the gym OR workout at home at least 6 days if not seven days a week. I don't think I could even enjoy a coffee roll because I know how many calories are in it. Munchkins I mentally calculate so I know how many calories I ate. To get that out of control makes me feel guilty, so I don't think I could dip back into it becoming a lifestyle. I explained it in a way to a client today that I felt made a lot of sense. I spent an entire year forcing my body, mind, and soul to change. I busted through obstacles and made my body do more than it has ever done in my life. My body adjusted to that change, getting me to this weight, to my level of fitness (which I think is VERY fit) and I now find it easy to live my lifestyle because I LIKE doing it most of the time. Now I am working on adjusting my life so that instead of living to lose weight, I am LIVING. I want to lose more fat, but in a way that doesn't interfere with my life because now I need to make it work for where I am in my life NOW (as in going to school and increasing demands at work). I also am recognizing signs of addiction and anxiety that I am trying to head off. I asked a friend tonight if she thought that I don't feel like myself because I am used to burning about 800-1000 calories or more a day, whereas in the past 2 - 3 days I have burned about 500 cardio wise and then done strength each day. I asked her if she thought that maybe I'm having withdrawal from the intense exercise. But that is silly. I don't know why I feel the way I feel. I'm working on finding someone to talk to as the counselors at school didn't work out scheduling wise. I am going to try cutting out caffeine for a few days to see if that helps. I just feel like my anxiety is spiking at random times, not at work but when I'm out on my own and then even when I'm home. I almost spill something and I feel my temper and stress flare up like a dragon and I am like "Why?". I feel overwhelmed and its making my stomach hurt and just throwing me off.
Anyway. I FINALLY got Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones. I'm going to do it Monday morning. I'm looking forward to it. Tomorrow I am heading to Five Below because I decided I need more exercise equiptment at home. I want to get several more weights because I only have 2 pound ones, I need a stability ball, and I want to look and see how much kettlebells are or if they even have them. They're SO expensive but I know they’re a great workout. I saw a DVD in Target by Jillian (who else? Lol) that is a weight based strength program that uses a single weight or kettlebell and it’s supposed to be very intense. I might send back my yoga one and get that. I also decided in February I want to start swimming with my free membership so this week I need to shop for (gulp) A BATHING SUIT!! Obviously not a bikini if I’m swimming for exercise. But still, very exciting!
Took some pictures tonight with my cousin for her winter formal that I’ll post, and there’s several of me where I look….skinny. Weird right? To say that? A girl at work wants to take me out this week because I don’t get out much and she wants to show me a good time. And she said “You’ve NEVER danced at a club?” And she doesn’t understand, but I said I used to be 200 pounds and huge. Why would I even THINK of dancing? I felt horrible about myself back then. Now? Yeah I’d probably dance. But it’s hard for people to understand who haven’t been there. I’m adjusting to this body. I literally am like an alien in a body that isn’t mine. So today was a huge step in learning to love myself because I liked the pictures of me. I am tiny. Whew. Big step!