A glass case of emotion
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a lot of thinking. I had a rough two days that sent me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I've thought a lot about the journey I have been on, and about the sacrifices I have made over the past year and the ways I have changed my life. I've thought about the work I did to get to where I am physically and the work I do every day to maintain it. I've thought about how those sacrifices, hard work, and organization have bled into my life in other aspects. Some are positive. I've become more organized and am more productive with my time. I go to bed early and have more confidence which significantly effects my performance at work. I feel better and have more energy to do things I like to do as well as keeping my life on track and having the motivation to not slip into lazy habits and bad eating.
But there are negative aspects to everything and while they're not the biggest part of my life they are small things I've noticed have become more significant. I have begun to find I have a control problem. I almost feel like I have to do things my way, the same way, all the time. My routine stays the same week to week, the time I wake up, the time I go to the gym, shower, eat, and leave for work. That's not bad it's called a routine. But I find if my routine is disrupted like if my dog throws up, or my boyfriend forgets to do soemthing like the dishes or walk the dog, or anything disrupts my usual routine I get very anxious and angry. I find my temper flares more easily. And I know it has to do with the anxiety I had in high school. I give myself too much time to get ready and do things to avoid this anxiety. That's a healthy way of dealing with it right? To avoid the anxiety give myself adequate time to do things that otherwise if I had to rush, would cause me anxiety and stress. But I find the anxiety comes out in other ways. When things aren't done on MY time, when things aren't fixed when I want them to me, it sets me off. And I feel like my problem is my temper. Even with my little dog. If she gets over-excited to see me I almost get irritated. Smaller things have been irritating me lately which is why I felt like if I just stuck to my routine I'd be okay. But I wasn't. While I continued to work out as much as I did and eat the way I was, I thought that adding more goals would help me to deal with the things that were stressing me out, the overwhelming responsibilities I thought way too much about, the things I felt like I couldn’t deal with. I don’t know why I thought adding more stress to my life, more rules, more restrictions would help. It didn’t.
I realized something tonight. Yes, I really want to lose another 8 lbs and get to 125. But at what cost? Last week I spent the week being strict again, the way I was during the entire journey. And I am just not there anymore. I have had a really rough year, and I had gotten to the point where my anxiety is starting to effect the rest of my life. Now, I know how easy it is for me to say I need a break, stop working out, eat more, and put the weight back on. No, I’m not there. I am still going to get to the gym5 -6 days a week because it makes me feel good to work out almost every day and strength train every other day for the most part. I want to run a half marathon sometime in the fall. I want to continue building strength in my legs and arms and core. But I need a change. I need to enjoy my life again. I ate out tonight with Matt and to go to a restaurant and not stress about what I was getting was possibly the most liberating feeling in the world. I avoided cheese and fat because I still care about what I put in my body. I chose a dish that was simple (chicken fajitas. Fresh grilled chicken with the most fresh and delicious vegetables I’d ever tasted at a restaurant with not a drop of grease) and ate slowly, noticing when I began to feel full and stopping at that point. I had about a cup of Spanish rice and some chips and guac. And you know what I found. I was okay with that. I’d watched what I ate earlier in the day to be able to enjoy. I didn’t count my calories because I knew I didn’t have to. And that change, relaxing a little more, enjoying time with my boyfriend, being happier and suggesting a new restaurant every week, made the weight on my shoulders lighter by twenty percent. And it was then that I realized I need to follow the 80-20 rule right now. Eat well 80 percent of the time and enjoy the rest. For me, enjoying will NEVER be fast food or heavy greasy meals. I will ALWAYS care too much. But enjoying a freshly made Mexican meal and not leaving the restaurant wishing I’d gotten something I really wanted was an amazing feeling.
I need to relax. I need to take the time I need to make sure I am taking care of myself. I need to stop worrying so much about the house and chores. They’ll get done. If the sink is full for a day it’s okay. We’re young we aren’t hosting parties every day. Things will get done when they get done. Life happens and we are busy and the time that we have together is precious. We need to stop filling that time with pointless things and arguments and enjoy our lives. I will always care tremendously about my health. I know I need to continue my exercise regimen to stay at the weight I’m at. If I fluctuate, I fluctuate. I will always aim to stay at one weight and if that changes, it changes. As a 22 year old in school with a full time job as an assistant manager of a salon, I need to accept that my life has become busier than I wish it were but that if I am smart and take care of myself I can accomplish everything I need to accomplish including keeping fit. As a resolution to taking better care of myself, I am going to try to cut back my cardio workouts by 45 minutes and see how it effects my maintenance/weight loss. I am going to do my usual cardio every day but do 45 minutes instead of the full hour, and do my half hour of strength training every other day and possibly add some core exercises on off days to strengthen and tighten my core faster. I need to go easier on myself. And I’d love to hear some ideas as to take more advantage of strength training. Strength training moves that burn calories and really tighten muscle . I am purchasing Jillian Michael’s No More Trouble Zones after reading about what a fantastic strength workout it is. I want to start changing it up again, trying dvds and starting the use of the 1 month free membership I got to the spa that has a pool. I want to enjoy my life and changing up my workouts makes me happy and keeps me feeling excited about it.
I know I came on here and really sounded depressed. And I was. But I slept at my mother’s house and I realized I have a wonderful loving set of parents who would do anything at the drop of a hat for me. I worked out a problem in my relationship and am glad I did because the love between us is real and worth fighting for. And this lifestyle is worth the time I put into it. I love working out and feeling great, and seeing muscles and knowing my health is a priority in my life when so many people spend their lives ruining their bodies. And I’m seriously considering looking into being a personal trainer possibly. But for now I love having Spark to come to and talk about my struggles and read the inspiring stories of others. Through all this I realized I have a lot of great thigns to share but like someone wrote in my comments, I’m human. I am going to have nights where I eat everything in the cabinet. I’ll have weeks where I’m great and lose 2 lbs. I’ll have weeks where I gain 2 lbs. But my workouts are one of the highest priorities in my life and if I keep it that way, I won’t go back to where I was. 70 pounds wont creep back on if I am working out 45 minutes a day including strength training and a sensible diet. So with that, I want to thank all of you for your amazing comments. I felt so touched that you care to read my blog and worry about me. I love each of you for that and thank you so much. This website gets me through the tough points when I feel like giving up. Coming on here shows me I am not alone and that’s what keeps me going. Thank you so much everyone. Here’s to loving myself and making it count.