MOBEANZ
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I'm full of it

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I’m full of crap. That’s how I feel today. I feel like I am full of crap and the biggest liar and no one should even read my blog. I don’t know why I fell into this ditch. I’ve had some stress lately, and it brought me down and then it brought me even further down to the point where I ate so much yesterday I threw up. And that’s not me. I am not the girl who eats until I get sick. I am not the girl who just now started crying because the shed was too full. I am not that girl. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. I am not the girl who punishes herself with exercise like I did today. I ran six miles then did an elliptical for another thirty minutes, then strength training. Why? Because of yesterday.
I’m not making a lot of sense because my head isn’t making a lot of sense. I feel lost right now and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m wondering if the relationship I’m in is going to end up okay. I’m wondering if school wasn’t such a good idea. I’m wondering if I’ll ever keep the weight off because the past two days I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up with a bag of chips. I just ate peanut butter out of the jar then spread it on half of a sandwich thin and ate it that way too. Then I had a bag of popcorn. Why? I worked out SO hard this morning, had a healthy breakfast, a great lunch and lots of fruit. Why am I sabatoging myself? That’s how I feel right now. Like last night eating so much until I literally puked was me saying “You’ll never be happy”. Like I don’t want myself to be successful. And to be honest, I feel like I ruined the relationship I’m in. I’m 22 but was pushing for an engagement ring. I know we’re not ready for that but I never shut up about it. But today, I did so much that I’ve been asking him to do for WEEKS and I literally sat down and cried because it shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t have to spend an entire day doing the hard dirty work I’ve asked him to do for months. And I don’t usually vent about him here but I just feel like there’s so much going on. I JUST WANT TO EAT. That’s what I want is to eat. I literally want to make myself a box of macaroni and cheese and eat the entire pot. THAT’S NOT NORMAL. I already decided to talk to a counselor on Friday when I go to college. I need someone to talk to, someone to explain all this to. I am bouncing between my healthy lifestyle and falling into the darkness that used to be my life. And I can’t figure out if it’s me, him, food, the exercise regimen, or just everything combined. And I avoided writing on here BECAUSE of last night. Because I boast all the time that I know the secret to losing weight and I have this all figured out and I’m happy the way I am and enjoying the journey. And 90 percent of the time I am. But right now I hate it. I don’t want to be on a diet. I don’t want to be me. I want to just go to Sonic and get a cheeseburger. I wont. And I don’t really have anything else in the house as harmful as that. I just really needed to vent and get this out and I want to come back on here strong and in control. And I think that’s my problem. I have control issues. If I can’t control everything, I lose control of everything. I lost control of my love life and where it was going, and we had a discussion I never thought we’d have. And then I lost control of my eating. And today I lost control of my temper and screamed at the top of my lungs outside my house out of pure frustration. And right now I am literally going to go lay down and try to sleep even though it’s 6pm because I just don’t want to eat anymore. I’ve probably eaten just about 1300 calories and I don’t want to eat anymore.

I’m sorry to vent this all on you. It’s not like me. I’ll be myself again soon.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MAYBE_SOMEDAY
    Hey, it's ok to feel frustrated and not in control. You can't control everything or anyone. The only person you have control over is yourself--your thoughts, how you deal with your emotions, and the actions that you take. When you feel yourself feeling out of control, stop, dont move, dont say anything, and just breathe. Then think about what your options are. There are always options, you might have to think for a while but there are options.

    When you feel yourself getting frustrated, take some deep breaths, call your local warmline (free phone service where you basically just talk to a stranger that cares), and know that you do have a support system. Counseling at school is also helpful. School overall is stressful. Relationships are extra stressful. Eating is stressful as well. Life is stressful, but just know that you are loved, there are people that care about you, and have a mantra readily available that might help you get through whatever you are facing. I like: "This too shall pass".

    You've come along way. Keep growing, living, experiencing, eat, working out but not the point that it consumes you, and please be happy.
    2731 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    I hope you managed to sleep last night, I'm just now getting a chance to read your blog. This is a part of the normal ebb and flow of life. When the pendulum swings too far one way it has to balance out. Your exercise had become excessive and your body (and mind) have rebelled. Listen. Listen to them. Quiet down and listen. Feel your feelings, they don't feel good right now, but they are yours and you need to let yourself feel sad, hurt, depressed, whatever. Feelings will pass IF you acknowledge them and work through them. If you don't, then they go deeper in and start creating havoc at some point. Over-eating numbs feelings. Over-eating can also be a form of self-abuse, as can excessive exercising. I think talking to a counselor is a good idea, but make sure you have good feelings about them, they're not all created equal. I care about you.
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    2731 days ago
  • VIXEN2188
    It will be ok...Things tend to all hit you at once and they will pass. It is most likely just al lthe stress from everything but you never really noticed everything at once. Maybe yesterday was a thinking day for you. I know you will pull through because you have your heart in the right direction. If you truly didn't care you wouldn't tell us how you've been feeling and you wouldn't have sought help from a counsler. It's good this comes out because once you pass it you will have defeated another obstacle in your journey! Don't fret and talk it out all you want... :)

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    2732 days ago
  • APIRLRAIN888
    sound like you have a lot going on ;(

    take it a good decision at a time (life and health)
    emotional eating don't let it win ;p

    easier said than done ;p
    2732 days ago
  • RIGBY31
    90% of being on is a big chunk of your life. The other 10% is thrown in a bowl let's call "human frailty". You're fragile right now and nothing seems right with the world. It will get better, you will get stronger.
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    2732 days ago
  • XHOOSIERLOSER
    Oh Honey, I'm so sorry you're having this rough time! But nothing ever stays the same, whether things are great or awful, change is part of everything we have and experience on this earth. The last line in your blog shows you know that too.

    It sounds to me like you are not getting some things you need (whether it's from your relationship or school or whatever) and in response to that you are trying to fill the gap with food... which experience has proved to us DOES fill us up (not the gap we long to fill, but rather our stomachs). It's pure substitution.

    And we know it doesn't work.

    Try to treat yourself lovingly. Can you take a bubble bath, light some candles, put on some music you love? Can you take a leisurely walk or watch a favorite movie? Take some deep breaths, do some yoga or stretches - something different and not punishing to your body, but loving and caring and sweet - that is what you deserve and want. If you don't get that from someone else when you need it, you have to find ways to do it for yourself - nothing wrong with that. Nobody can be everything for another person.

    I'm so glad you could vent here; your friends care about you and your wellbeing. We want you to succeed and be happy, and you will be again very soon. Minimize the damage and jump back in - we all have to do that pretty regularly. Look around at other's pages - SO MANY of us are in a similar boat: frustrated with ourselves for doing what we don't want to do and not doing what we know we should! That's why we're here. We are NONE of us perfect. We're here for support and to support each other. It's gonna okay. It really is. Hang in there Darlin'.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2732 days ago
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