I'm full of it
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I’m full of crap. That’s how I feel today. I feel like I am full of crap and the biggest liar and no one should even read my blog. I don’t know why I fell into this ditch. I’ve had some stress lately, and it brought me down and then it brought me even further down to the point where I ate so much yesterday I threw up. And that’s not me. I am not the girl who eats until I get sick. I am not the girl who just now started crying because the shed was too full. I am not that girl. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. I am not the girl who punishes herself with exercise like I did today. I ran six miles then did an elliptical for another thirty minutes, then strength training. Why? Because of yesterday.
I’m not making a lot of sense because my head isn’t making a lot of sense. I feel lost right now and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m wondering if the relationship I’m in is going to end up okay. I’m wondering if school wasn’t such a good idea. I’m wondering if I’ll ever keep the weight off because the past two days I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up with a bag of chips. I just ate peanut butter out of the jar then spread it on half of a sandwich thin and ate it that way too. Then I had a bag of popcorn. Why? I worked out SO hard this morning, had a healthy breakfast, a great lunch and lots of fruit. Why am I sabatoging myself? That’s how I feel right now. Like last night eating so much until I literally puked was me saying “You’ll never be happy”. Like I don’t want myself to be successful. And to be honest, I feel like I ruined the relationship I’m in. I’m 22 but was pushing for an engagement ring. I know we’re not ready for that but I never shut up about it. But today, I did so much that I’ve been asking him to do for WEEKS and I literally sat down and cried because it shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t have to spend an entire day doing the hard dirty work I’ve asked him to do for months. And I don’t usually vent about him here but I just feel like there’s so much going on. I JUST WANT TO EAT. That’s what I want is to eat. I literally want to make myself a box of macaroni and cheese and eat the entire pot. THAT’S NOT NORMAL. I already decided to talk to a counselor on Friday when I go to college. I need someone to talk to, someone to explain all this to. I am bouncing between my healthy lifestyle and falling into the darkness that used to be my life. And I can’t figure out if it’s me, him, food, the exercise regimen, or just everything combined. And I avoided writing on here BECAUSE of last night. Because I boast all the time that I know the secret to losing weight and I have this all figured out and I’m happy the way I am and enjoying the journey. And 90 percent of the time I am. But right now I hate it. I don’t want to be on a diet. I don’t want to be me. I want to just go to Sonic and get a cheeseburger. I wont. And I don’t really have anything else in the house as harmful as that. I just really needed to vent and get this out and I want to come back on here strong and in control. And I think that’s my problem. I have control issues. If I can’t control everything, I lose control of everything. I lost control of my love life and where it was going, and we had a discussion I never thought we’d have. And then I lost control of my eating. And today I lost control of my temper and screamed at the top of my lungs outside my house out of pure frustration. And right now I am literally going to go lay down and try to sleep even though it’s 6pm because I just don’t want to eat anymore. I’ve probably eaten just about 1300 calories and I don’t want to eat anymore.
I’m sorry to vent this all on you. It’s not like me. I’ll be myself again soon.