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Warning: whining ahead!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm having a rough day today. Gary and I got into a stupid fight last night and I couldn't sleep because I was so angry. You'd think I'd have realized what was happening since the topic for my class today was the frustration-aggression hypothesis, but no. It didn't click until I asked my students what they thought about the articles.

It's been a tough year, really. Gary lost his job in July and has been unemployed every since. He's applied to everything but the economy is just crappy in our area. So it's been really hard. Things are okay financially, but our relationship is suffering. I'm tired by the time I get home from a 9 hour day (on average) but he's bored from sitting at home all day. So while all he wants to do is talk, I just want to sit and savor the silence for a little while. Therein lies the conflict. Also, I think that he should be doing most of the house stuff since he's at home but he's really inconsistent about it. He gets mad if I ask him to do stuff (dishes, feed the cat, etc) sometimes because he says I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing as much as I used to do, granted, but he's at home those 45+ hours that I'm at work. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to do more at home since he's there all day. We discussed this when he first lost his job and we both agreed that this would be fair. We don't have any kids, just a crazy cat. But Leo's pretty low maintenance for the most part, just make sure he has food, water and a clean litter box. Neither of us expected him to be out of work this long. I know it's hard on him but it feels like he doesn't ever think about how this might be hard on me too.

So last night we had a huge fight. I'd already fallen asleep when Leo started meowing wanting attention. I had only been asleep about 10 minutes and I woke up just enough to ask Gary to please close the door so Leo would stop meowing. Gary's response was "If you want the door closed, then you go close it! It's your cat!" I got mad, closed the door but was pissed that he couldn't take 10 seconds to help. I'm one of those people that once I'm woken up, I'm up. I usually can't go back to sleep. He was still awake... it wouldn't have done anything for him to close the bedroom door. So instead of getting 8 hours of sleep, I was still awake and fuming. The longer I lay in bed unable to sleep, the more furious I got with Gary.

I finally left to try to sleep in the our guest bedroom. I was so irked with Gary that I just did not want to be in the same room with him. Finally, at around 4 am, I went back into the bedroom to get my glasses and my laptop. If I was just going to sit there, I might as well be semi-productive. He woke up when I walked in and we ended up yelling at each other for an hour. His refusal to close the door frustrated me, and combined with all of the other frustrations, it led to aggression (tying it back to my class topic).

I'm just at the end of my rope. I feel like I don't have anything more to give. Gary's always talking about how worried he is about not having a job, about money and about his weight. I feel like I'm continually reassuring him that he'll get a job and we're doing okay with the money. I've been cooking more healthfully and working out regularly. You'd think that a guy obsessed about his weight would appreciate those steps and join in. Nope. He says he's proud of me for doing it, but he's not really taking part. If I ask what he wants for dinner, it's always something not so healthy- pizza, burgers, tacos, etc. I've come up with healthier versions of those things that do taste pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. He still wants to go out to eat all the time. That's not good for our waistlines or our finances.

Then he'll keep coming in to talk while I'm trying to work out. Part of my reward for working out is that I will watch an episode of something on the laptop while I'm on the bike, so it's frustrating when he keeps popping in every 3 minutes. I'll lose track of the story line or slow down my pace, and it happens almost every time. I've asked him to just wait until I'm done unless it's an emergency, but apparently we have different ideas of what constitutes an emergency. The house is on fire, yes, that's an emergency; it would be perfectly fine to interrupt me. Him reading a funny joke on Facebook that he simply must tell me does not constitute an emergency to me.

I'll usually go refill my water bottle after finishing my cardio but before starting in on my strength circuits. As I walk towards the kitchen, he'll try to convince me that I've done enough already and should just hang out with him. Um, no. Sitting on the couch eating chips with him is what led to my gaining weight back in the first place! If I really push him, he'll ride the bike for 1 mile and then stop. One mile is better than nothing, but seriously? That took him about 5 minutes. I encourage him to use the bike or the weights or whatever while I'm gone all day. He won't.

I know that I can't make him get healthy, but he talks about wanting to eat better and get in better shape A LOT for someone who is taking no steps in that direction. I'm frankly just tired of listening to him complain about his weight and health. I'm tired of trying to reassure him that he's still cute despite his burgeoning belly size. I'm taking the steps necessary to get healthy and I'm doing my best to involve him. I can't make it and he's not doing it. I'm just so tired of listening to it.

I'm just tired, period. Between working 40-50 hours per week, working on my dissertation on weekends and evenings and taking care of my blind, diabetic father from an hour away, I'm just exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. So it's been a really tough day, especially coupled with the lack of sleep. I just want to stuff my face with carbs, which makes the fact that there's goodies in the office for my boss's birthday even harder to resist. So, yeah, I didn't resist too much. I ate the smallest cupcake on the plate but also a piece of fudge. Because I was so groggy and tired, I didn't bring my lunch and instead resorted to fast food. *Sigh*

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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  • ANGELA3511
    Wow, didn't expect that anyone other than me would ever see this!

    I mostly wrote this as a way for me to process some of my feelings and my emotions. Nogush has lots of great points about how it's also hard for Gary. I know it is, and I'm trying to help him with that. It's just that sometimes I revert back to my 3 year old self and it's all about me, dangit! This blog was a chance for me to be whiny and grumpy without actually whining at or being grumpy to Gary.

    So if anyone else should read this... just understand that this is like getting a peak into my diary!

    2647 days ago
    Sorry to hear about your tough day, it definitely sounds like a lot to handle. First of all, props to you for not devouring a whole plate of goodies and only eating a piece of fudge and a cupcake (really not too bad)! emoticon

    I feel like I'm in a similar situation to yours, but a little different :)
    With me, I'm the one that's unemployed and bored and my fiancé is the one who is busy in school, so I'm the one that's supposed to be doing everything. Which I do. Not always so gracefully, but I do it. I know this is going to sound chauvinistic but I think the problem lies with the fact that he is a man. Most men are not used to doing chores around the house but more importantly his ego is probably really hurting since he'd been laid off and is not providing for you two anymore. I know times have changed, but deep down, I think men still believe they should be the ones providing the money and women should be taking care of the house (not to say that they shouldn't work, but the house is still the woman's responsibility). Whether this is true or not about your husband, I think you two should have an open and honest conversation about your expectations from one another and how you really feel. Perhaps you have talked about before, when he had first lost his job, but he didn't know back then what it would be like, so maybe it's time to calmly approach the subject again. Talk to him about your needs as well, whether it's about your diet or about your emotional needs, in no way should you give up on yourself in this relationship. I think a key to having a great relationship is being completely honest with each other.
    That's my two cents, sorry if I wrote too much. Thanks for sharing and I hope tomorrow will indeed be better. emoticon
    2647 days ago
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