Day Three on "Sober Eating" Living
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's one of the coldest winters in a long time and today is the coldest day since this winter started.
I cannot tell you how tired I am of hearing people trying to be motivating for me yet say things like "it's going to be hard for you because you're a pastry chef" or laughing about all of the fat girls when these people are around the same size as me. Actually, I thought I wouldn't be caught saying this but most of these people giving me advice are people who never been a day over 140. I'm not saying that their opinions don't matter but it's very hard to be encouraging to a person, especially one like me, when you haven't experienced it (or at least, making some of the fat jokes).
Hell, I was a counselor for HIV prevention, drugs and low income families. I never contracted the disease, don't know what drugs feel like but it doesn't mean I need to do it to know that it's bad but imagine me going to my clients saying, "hey, it gets better but look at them crack whores and those people who have the disease deserved it..."
I am sure that being fat is not a good comparison to drug abuse and HIV but being made fun of isn't a warming thought...even if it's not about me. Here's my thing: if you say that about someone who is around the same size or bigger than me then what exactly do you feel about me. Perhaps, I'm being extremely sensitive...I'm sure that I am but I have ears and a brain that functions well most of the time, LOL. I just can't find a person being "supportive" if you're making fun of it too much.
On my "sober eating", I decided to motivate my damn self a few days ago. I'm tired of being this weight and honestly, I'm not sure if I find myself attractive most days. I found myself letting myself go. My clothing is eh...decent. I stopped wearing makeup. My lingerie looks lonely and my sex life has decreased to once a week (listen, it's major for someone who is very "happy" in their marriage, LOL). I don't want to say that I don't care if my husband don't find me as attractive as before because it does matter but I don't want to lose weight to feel confident that he is actually attracted to me.
It's been the third day and surprisingly, I am not in a junk food run mood. I am sure that things may change but I'm taking it day to day. Being a bit TMI, but I could really get a break from meeting Mr. Toilet. I suppose that comes with the territory. I didn't think I was doing anything drastic: my goodies are replaced with fruits, my portions are smaller and I'm at 1800 calories a day. I wanted to go lower but my husband's coworker, who happens to work as a personal trainer in the evenings, suggests staying at 1800 calories for a little bit until the exercising, eating habits and weight loss become normal.
I'm feeling lighter and alert, more than usual and I suppose that's a great thing. After I put my bad boy to a nap time, I'm going to aim for a 90 minute workout...not sure if it will happen but I'm going to try.
Pray for me...I'm really trying to be positive this go round.