Monday, January 24, 2011
Today is another day. It is the start of another week. And that means that every wobble that has made me stumble is in the past. I can still change myself going forward.
Nice words, huh? And while I believe them, I sometimes think I use them as an excuse. "Oops. I screwed up today. Well, tomorrow is another day and I can make it right then/restart then/do better then." But I have more days where I say "Tomorrow I'll do better" than "Today I did great." And I'm great at making excuses.
* I couldn't work out today. The kids were home and they make it difficult to do so, because they love to get underfoot.
* I was out, busy with the boys. I didn't have time to have a good lunch.
* We're running short on cash. I should get the McDouble instead of spending the extra for the Grilled Chicken Sandwich.
* I'm just so tired because I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. I'll take a nap when the boys do and take care of things after that.
* I'm just going to get online for five minutes. After that, I'll work out/clean the house/fold the laundry/get something to eat.
* I'll probably eat too much at dinner, so I really don't need to eat breakfast or lunch.
* We're out of ice cubes and I hate water that isn't ice cold. I'll have a diet soda instead.
* The kids didn't finish their ice cream. I don't want it to go to waste, so I'll finish it up. It's not a lot, after all.
Excuses. All excuses. I come up with them daily. And the sad thing is, I KNOW they're excuses. And I know what I'm doing to myself by making them. I'm giving myself an out when I shouldn't be taking one. I'm letting myself get away with lazy, ostrich-like behavior for another day. Because I know all the right words to say, not only to myself but to those around me.
Tomorrow, I start therapy again. It's been... over 2 years, I think... since I last went to a therapist. At the time, I was pregnant with Peter so the worries were far different than the ones I have now. And because of the two years without therapy, I've let me and the things around me slide. My house is a disaster. My body is a disaster. My parenting is (more times than I'd like) a disaster. I think the meds that I'm on need to be adjusted because they don't seem to be keeping me even any longer.
I've got to come up with a plan. I've got to be serious about the plan. I've got to find ways to force myself to stick with the plan. Because I don't have the strength to do it on my own. I'm a procrastinator by nature. I don't know how to fix that by myself. I don't know how to ensure that I take that responsibility. Something else to talk about with the therapist tomorrow, I guess.
I want today to be the day that I make the changes I need. I want today to be the day I set down the computer, clean my house, work out to an exercise video even if the kids are around, get my Swap stuff done and take personal accountability. But I'm not sure if it can be. Do I not want to change as much as I think I do, or am I just too weak?
I will try to make the necessary changes today. I will try to make today a step forward rather than a step back. And tomorrow, I will talk to my therapist about all of this and see if she can find ways to help me. Because I need to stop with the excuses and find the help I need.