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Derailed by Illness

Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's a long story...actually about one which was months in the unfolding...but suffice it to say that I'd discovered a mass in my abdomen which has been getting larger and about six weeks ago I began to hemorrhage. And in the past two weeks the hemorrhaging had become severe and life-threatening.

So now, I am in the midst of tests to determine if I have uterine - or more likely- am in the late stages of ovarian cancer. I have also other symptoms which would seem to fall into line with that possibility. Because there is no definitive way of identifying ovarian cancer, short of surgery, they are ruling out all the other possible causes for my symptoms...but the cancer in question is the only illness which would explain all of them together.

My surgery on my hip is still on track for Monday the first of February...barring any bad reports from bloodwork or on the chest Xray etc. My pretesting for surgery is this coming Thursday. So that will really determine what happens.

Obviously between the hip and the hemorrhaging, I've had to stop exercising for a while...for a bit i was doing dumbbell upper body work despite the hip but when I became too weak from blood loss to continue and I had to suspend that as well.

I"d also stopped tracking food because for the past week or so have had very little appetite...I have eaten a few things yesterday (ICE CREAM!!) am considering beginning to track again.
In a week or two of steroid hunger, I'd gained about4 pounds...which I've now lost...and am back at the number at which I seem to be stuck like glue: 160. Well, I guess it could be worse.

The GYN doctor has put me on two weeks of progesterone to control the bleeding enough so that my hip surgery could be done...although she did warn me that it may well return after the two weeks....hopefully it won't be the Niagra Falls variety of bleeding I WAS experiencing this past week.

Because I will only be status post one week of the surgery when I finish the progesterone and won't be able to physically LIVE in the bathroom like I was...I'm not sure logistically speaking how that would work. But we shall see...Maybe it won't come back!

As far as "dealing with" all of this, I really am okay. You have to really realize two things in order to understand where I'm at with this. I know the One who I believe is able to deliver me from this...either by healing me through doctors, miraculously via the prayers being offered for me, or to take me to the place where my real life will begin. This life may well continue on in its next phase in that other place...and that is really really okay with me for two reasons...One is that I long so much to see the Lover of my Soul and also to cease from the suffering of this world...

And that brings me to reason number two that I'm okay.
My life has been a bizarre series of medical catastrophes - literally from birth. And obviously all of this has made me familiar with pain and limitation...(I also have been much like the Energizer Bunny..."takes a licking and keeps on ticking"). And this suffering and pain has escalated in the past years until my life has been very very limited...I can no longer drive nor tolerate straying far from my bed or recliner due to the severe pain I'm always in . I'm very immune or resistant to every pain relief measure so there is literally nowhere to run from my pain.

So honestly, the knowledge that maybe I am dying is really and truly not a frightening or even distressful thought to me. I know I will get flack for told that I'm "not fighting," that I'm "caving in"...but you know what? My whole life has been a fight to survive. Almost 50 years of it. It is a true miracle that I have come this far...and if God wants me to beat this too, then that is what will happen...but if he says, "OK, it's Time" then I will not walk, but RUN into his arms. So think what you want and say what you want. None of us are immortal in this world...these are temporary bodies we wear...and my poor body has been through the mill --frankly it may be about ready for a trade in!!

And I'm so ready for that.
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  • no profile photo CD8603687
    OH Cynthia I think I can understand you and respect you and I am so sorry for this diagnosis.I am glad they figured this out,sorry they put you through so much and time for these,well,I won't say what.I wish I could give you real HUGs emoticon emoticon emoticon I am living with the negligence of medical so called professionals or maybe it should be called negligence for taking 3 times to find the multiple fractured ribs, collapsed right lung,pleaural effusion,water retention which made my heart angry and permanently damaged with Congestive Heart Failure.Sorry for venting.You take care and know you always have a friend with me,okay? Now for more Hugs emoticon emoticon emoticon God will guide you and He knows what's best.I pray he relieves you from pain and suffering,He is mysterious and sometimes my faith is tested,as all of us,I believe.More emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Diana
    3562 days ago
    So very sorry to hear this about the hemorrhaging. What I am finding difficult to understand, is why was this allowed to progress to this critical stage??? As soon as you found a lump or mass, the Dr.'s should have been all over it. You have to catch cancer early to cure it or treat it before it spreads. I would say the health care system is failing you big time here.. I was just shocked to read this, and that they are only giving you drugs to stop it?? That is just unacceptable..They need to be fixing this, before anything else really. Unbelievable..
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    3564 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7658463
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    3564 days ago
    My friend I am praying for God's will in your life as well. That is all any of us can ask. I am here as your other friends are as well .

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    3565 days ago
    Cynthia, I hope and pray you will get your results soon, so progress of one sort or another can be made. You are definitely in my daily prayers, my dear. Hugs, gentle from afar across the miles of snow.
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    3565 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    Once again you have managed to touch a sensitive spot in my heart, mind and soul. Your acceptance of His Plan...whatever it may be is admirable and sustainable from what I hear you say.

    Certainly there is no reason to challenge your position. We all would benefit from knowing we have given our all for His glory and trust ccompletely in His chosen path.

    You are blessed and a blessing to us as you share so openly the contents of your soul.

    Hope the surgery happens and your diagnosis is clear and your healing is easier. Since I consider this as a prayer for you, I include wishing your current pain may subside and sleep may give you respite from the long days and nights of suffering.

    3566 days ago
    omg, Cynthia... i had wondered why i hadn't seen you on "that other site"... i am so sorry to hear that besides all the physical pain and hip and back issues you have been dealing with that you are now dealing with cancer too!

    my heart goes out to you....... my prayers and thoughts are with you....

    you seem to have an amazing peace about all of this....... which is great..

    i wouldn't say you are not a fighter.. you have been fighting for a long time..... and i wouldn't say you are giving up either......

    my friend....i hope that you can beat this too..... but if have your extreme faith in God to hold you and keep you safe......

    i hope we can be penpals throughout your surgeries and recoveries.....

    do you mind if i tell others on the "other site" what is going on? i haven't seen you post in a few days and i have been worried and i am sure others have been as well.........

    3566 days ago
    "I know I will get flack for told that I'm "not fighting," that I'm "caving in"...but you know what? My whole life has been a fight to survive."

    Cannot imagine how anyone could even contemplate criticizing you for your well-thought out and courageously, passionately articulated position.

    Your life, your choices, your understanding of what matters to you and how you can best cope: many many of us here will unquestioningly support that approach!!

    3566 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    I am glad you are having tests to find out what is going on.. also that your op date is very soon .. Will certainly be good to get some answers ... My Daughter has Turners Syndrome which sounds more or less what you have been battling all your life in a Chromosome problem .. All my very best wishes for a speedy diagnosis .. emoticon
    3566 days ago
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