feeling depressed for no particular reason

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Today, I'm feeling blah. I can't seem to get going. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to crawl back into bed. I'm so tired of fighting depression. I'm so tired I want to cry. My back is stiff, my neck is stiff, my right hand is cold and numb and sore from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I'm actually afraid to let others know the true depths of how I feel. I think I'm afraid to admit it to myself. I'm not one for blogging or journalling, but I need an outlet, and hopefully this is safe. I don't know why I have depression. I just do. I have for a very long time. Some days are better, some are worse. I can usually ignore my feelings and smile through the day. I take medication, which has helped, but it's obviously not completely taking care of this. I'm not hung up on any old baggage, I have a good solid marriage, two happy, healthy kids at home, a decent job, a comfortable house. Why can't I just be happy? All day long I've been trying to talk myself into a better mood. In fact, it's been a few days of that. I have a pretty good life, I know that. I just don't feel it. For the most part, I eat well and generally live well. I'm a good person, I'm smart, I'm caring, and I love my family and friends. Why do I feel like crying? Is it guilt for not being happy in the face of so much good? I feel like I should have done so much more with my life. Like I should be doing so much more. Yet, I can barely do what little I'm doing now. I'm not doing a very good job of "fake til I make it". I guess that's only a temporary solution. If it weren't for routines, I don't think I could get anything done. I can just stumble through most days. I want to feel happy, I want to have energy, I want to feel joy. I know I can accomplish things, when I set my mind to do them, but everything just feels so damn hard. Too damn hard. I just want to hide in my bed. It's a good thing my will to live is stronger than my depression. Now my tears are really flowing. I can't even see clearly, when I do open my eyes. I'm feeling very vulnerable, right now. It about time I got honest with myself. At least I'm feeling something, not just numb. It sucks, though, and it hurts. Even my legs ache.

I hope this catharsis helps me. I know I'll be alright. I let you inside my head because maybe I won't feel so alone in my pain, and if you're in pain, then you won't feel so alone, either.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Depression is a difficult thing to get through. I pray you will find comfort knowing that others are suffering along with you at this time of year and that 'this too shall pass'. Here's a hug for you. emoticon You are not alone, hang in there girl!
    2708 days ago
    I kind of felt this way yesterday. I realized I had been eating emotionally and that food actually made me happier! But now that I am trying to not feed my emotions with food I don't have a substitute so I have been onrey the past few days. Must find a substitute.
    2712 days ago
    I think some of it is the winter blahs, but hugs to you as you struggle with a very hard thing...depression. I'm glad you were able to write it out as it can only be helpful to "talk through it." Sometimes I'll figure something out in the middle of it all. Hope it helped you find a bit of joy today.
    2712 days ago
    May you look inside and find the joys in your life. This time of year I am struggling too. I have so much no reason to feel BLAAA yet daily I find myself having to really strech to find peace and joy. Sending you thoughts of peace and joy today! May it be a good day!
    2713 days ago
    I see you live in Canada where it is gray, overcast and cold this time of year. Perhaps you have Seasonal Affective Disorder (also called SAD)?

    It is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel depressed and moody. Treatment for seasonal affective disorder includes light therapy (phototherapy). Sometimes just getting in front of a light box for 30 minutes a day is enough to lift your mood.

    I hope you feel better!
    2713 days ago
    Hope you pushed through things. Keep moving forward, and know that we have faith in you.
    2713 days ago
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