Saturday, January 15, 2011
As I have share alot in the past year I have seen alot of lows.For medical reasons.But now I find myself lost in a low I can no really explain to anyone.I feel hopeless.Not with the medical mess.I have pretty much come to roll with the punches of my full blown life as a medical mess.But it is I have become soo. Lost and I feel so utterly ALONE! i BINGE EAT OR i DONT EAT and BOTH HURTS ME AND MY MEDICAL PROBLEMS AS WELL BUT I just can't seem to care even when it is physical pain form it.I have lost my give a shi+. I know that folks dont walk threw all I have been threw and it not effect u mentally.I know I have heard it from every doctor.But I dont really feel that my stroke is part of this.I just feel LOST so empty an overly full at the same time.I love my kids and all my family but I just at times.Cant bring myself to make the effort to go out.There is nothing in this world I love more than my grandson but there always seems to be something standing in the way of our time together.Some appt or something or another and there is like I have no time to connect.I never really knew how much he gave to me by being him until this past year when our time was cut so short with my illness.As We use to be constant daily companions and now it is like.I see him once a week if lucky.As well as my children.I was with them daily and felt so much apart of them and there lives and now I feel as if I stand alone lost in a forest and I can not see but glimpse of them when the wind blows just right.I am a very spiritual person I spend alot of time trying to be connect to the lighter side and the angels that I know help me and have saved me so many times this year.But it seems as if them to have been lost among the trees of the deep forest I am in and I wander aimlessly to get out and find the way back to me to my life to the person or at least a part of he person I once was.