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My Obsession

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I have come to realize I need to find balance. I am on day 9 of my journey to a healthier me and have realized that it has become all or nothing with me. Well I already knew I was well am an extremist. I tend to become consumed with things to go beyond giving it my all. When I was in school I would spend hours on end editing my papers and rewriting them to make them perfect. Many times I would have to turn in work that I thought was awful due to an approaching deadline and then be floored when I received an A. When I got my first A- (in statistics, ugh I hate math) I cried. I graduated with a 3.94 and had to realize that perfection would only hurt me and that I gained more from making mistakes and then learning from them. Until I got my degree in August of last year school was my obsession. Well now I have a new obsession....SparkPeople. Well not just Spark but the whole weight loss/getting healthy journey. For the last nine days I've spent all day on this site tracking my nutrition, water, fitness, sparkpoints, etc. It's been all about this. I haven't been doing anything else but focusing on this.

So then of course a few days ago reality set in. There is more to life than exercising, tracking, and earning points. I still need to find a job, I still have errands to run, laundry to do, a life to live. So yesterday I actually played a game for a bit and being obsessive I ended up playing for hours. Well during those hours I forgot to drink water and ended up trying to shove all my water and half of my calories into a few hours before bed. I did it but I also felt awful. Now for my confession. I was short 3 carbs. I know what's 3 carbs but you see that is my obsession. So instead of accept my failure or humanity or just the fact that I couldn't find any more carbs without going over calories I changed the goal. I shortened it by 3 to be at least 160 carbs instead of 163. All so I would miss the streak so I wouldn't have that failure staring me in the face. I cheated so I wouldn't get that first A-. I know its ridiculous but I feel guilty. I feel wrong like a failure and a cheat.

Okay so forget beating myself up for missing 3 carbs I have admitted my failure and am moving on. Today of course life has continued and I did not melt away into oblivion for missing those 3 carbs. Today I tried to do something worse. Today I tried to skip my workout. I had many errands to run today and as I said I've been obsessing so these errands have needed to be done for a few days now. Well I went out first thing knowing that if I put them off I would miss out on another day. Well by the time I got home it was about 4:00 and I still hadn't done my strength training or daily cardio. I actually thought about just skipping especially since I hadn't taken Sunday off like I had planned. This is when I realized that I needed balance. I can't allow this to consume my life but at the same time I can't allow life to take away my goals. There has to be balance a fine line between all and nothing. So I made time for my workout and I've admitted to my missing carbs. Tomorrow I will continue on my journey but will strive for more balance. I won't give up but I won't allow it to consume me either. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MAGGIE805
    It's so hard giving ourselves permission to be human sometimes. We can be so hard on ourselves. Our own worst critic. Sometimes things come up and it's when we need to be flexible with ourselves. It happens to me quite a bit. Morning runs will turn into afternoon runs on the treadmill or a late night ST session because I had something come up or I did'nt get my booty out of bed early enough. Stick with it and hang in there. Adjusting your routine sucks but, it happens sometimes .You are working hard to accomplish what you have set out to do and you are doing great! :)
    2988 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/13/2011 1:58:18 AM
  • SUNNY332
    Balance is a tough one. I am working on that this year too. Seems I spend a lot more time on the computer than I do on the bike or treadmill. Working to change that around and see more results.

    Thanks for the add and I added you too. I see you are from Texas. My parents were from Texas and I spent all of my summers growing up in East Texas Hill Country. We still have most of our family from Austin to Beaumont and points in between. My Father settled in Kansas after the war and my relatives always called us "the yankees".

    Nice to meet you and best wishes on your journey.

    2988 days ago
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