Getting There

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Basic stats: I have a headache (day 2) and I hurt my back awhile ago and it *still* hurts. It's a weird hurt too, it's the back side of my rib cage. I don't know how to describe it any better than that. Have awesome massage scheduled for Wednesday, maybe that will make it all better?

Last week generally went to pot, but I got a few things done. Lots of Junior League this week, but also some time off with Nick (in theory).

It's Sunday, Nick's at work for a few more hours and I'm trying to get things tidied up, and my energy going. I want to finally get back to the gym tonight. If I do the work out the personal trainer gave me today and Tuesday, I will also be super sore for the massage on Wednesday, therefore getting the most out of my Groupon.

Still have a bit of a cough, and sinus issues. The worst is waking up in the morning. My soft palate gets super dry while I'm sleeping and it's super weird waking up and trying to make my mouth wet and swallow :P

I had this semi-sucky meeting with someone on Friday. He's some massively accomplished professor at OSU's business school I got referred to. He was cool enough, but he told me stuff I've heard before (you'll want to go back to school at some point, Asian Studies isn't that useful on it own, blah blah blah) but the worst part was he never actually ASKED me what I was trying to get a job in. When I finally got a word in, I mentioned my long term goal was Blair House, and naturally he was useless on that topic, like everyone else. It just pissed me off a bit in the end. I'm sick of all this, the volunteering, the 'oh, poor you' pats on the back, hunting people down for no reason in the end, I've worked my @ss off for how many months now? And for what? Yeah, my portfolio is sweet, my resume looks great, so where's my job? I walked out of his office- after TWENTY minutes, and thought, "This is it." No more being helpful unless someone else can tell ME what is in it for me? Come tomorrow morning, sorry, but the B*tch is back. I'm going to be on it; I have to say, I think the worst of it is JASCO. I've gotten a few things out of it, but there is this under current that just disgusts me! I'm glad I didn't get that job now, but the people who know I went out for it appear as though they wish I had it, not him, and even he says things about not wanting the job, and if I was assistant I would be next in line for it, blah blah blah. WTF, really.

Plus, I'm lonely. I feel like Nick isn't at all proud of me anymore; I'm fat and unemployed, what's to love? Just all the other garbage that comes along with long term unemployment. I deal with different aspects of it at different times in different ways, but the other day I just wanted to curl up and die when Nick was talking about work. He sold a car to some guy the same age as us who was debt free and had some 100K house in Delaware. While I know Nick was hardly lusting after the crap car he bought, I got the rest of it. The guy didn't have a great job either, but it was the whole new car, no debt, have a house already thing. And the Mom told me about a girl I grew up with who by no hard work of her own has ended up freakishly well off (living in a condo her and her fiance don't have to pay for while he goes to Law School).

Went to a party last night with Nick that one of his Non-Hyundai friends was having. I thought it'd be good to get out, and plus, he's got a fiance, so it wouldn't be all guys, you know? Do I belong *anywhere*? I didn't dress super nice, but even my little brown Cole Haan's where saying," Really?" I should just know when a party has a keg, wear sneakers and jeans and don't put on anything more than concealer. We sat in the basement kind of playing Minute To Win It (another, really? The set up and execution were so long, it was tedious). There was no conversation, and only four other couples, one of which brought their six-year-old and infant. I'm glad Nick got out and had fun, saw his friend (and won all the games while we were there) but my god. I go all day without a conversation only to go to a party where I feel out of place and continue to not have any conversations. Are the parties Nick and I throw THAT different? Maybe I just need to get out more? I just don't know anything anymore.

I've been writing some fun little stories to relax and just stop thinking for a bit. I have a few followers, but no one I want to read them has. It feels good, mentally, to work on the story I'm writing at the moment. Like I'm using a part of my brain that's been neglected. Speaking of which, love me? My guest blog was posted on Friday! I'm dying for some feedback beyond people pushing the 'like' button on Facebook, lol.

Ugh, thanks for those of you dedicated enough to read this. I just had to get all this out there so I can keep going. Leave a comment, I need the support :(
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just sending over hugs. I know how you feel. some of my closest friends are so much more successful than I am. My best best friend makes 3 times as much as I do, and my 2nd best friend works for a corporation and is sometimes home at 10pm, but then she makes 5 times my pay. So I know what it's like.

    3495 days ago
    That guest blog was pretty good :) I've never read the blog so I'm not sure what to measure it against, but as a first-time-reader it's rather informative and interesting. For some reason, I picture you writing it with a british or highly formal accent ;D

    I hope you feel better soon, both physically and emotionally. If it helps, I think that you might be projecting your own feelings onto Nick. You've been struggling with unemployment and your sense of self for months and it's normal that you'd start losing your self esteem. Because of that, you may be thinking that Nick is feeling the same way about you as you do yourself. I hope that this is the case and that Nick doesn't truely feel that way. Have you thought about talking to him about it? Or has he approached you about it? I'm no relationship expert, God knows, but every time I've asked for advise about trouble in a relationship I'm urged to talk it out. 9 times out of 10, it helps.

    Sorry you felt like a wall-flower at that party. Perhaps people were intimidated because you looked so great! Maybe if that happens again you could strike up the conversation instead of waiting for it to come to you. It'll be scary--but just like riding a roller coaster at an amusement park, it'll be good and fun before youre' done :)


    I wish you luck in your job search endeavors. The budgets will have opened up now that it's a new year so hopefully the hiring will begin!
    3495 days ago
    Sorry it's been so tough with work and finding your place. Although not as articulate as Christy, I agree wholeheartedly with what she said. You are cute, sweet and fun. You will defintely find people who you like to hang out with and you have a blast with. Maybe you could try pick up a totally new hobby?
    3495 days ago

    Pull your head out of your behind and shape up! You can change things, but it's up to YOU. Get out and start walking or doing some "just dance;" exercise will help lift your spirits.

    Remember that your blogs are here to vent and feel better about things. Vent any time.
    3496 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2146211
    Hey Kate, I'm really sorry you're going through some rough stuff. The only thing I can really relate to is the last part about feeling lonely and out of place and what it comes down to is confidence. You need to have confidence in yourself. You are who you are. You don't need to dress a certain way or be a certain way or act a certain way. You are wonderful exactly the way you are and the only way people are going to see that is if you believe it and show that you believe it. Beyond that, get out and make some of your own friends. It's not easy, but it's possible. If you don't like those kinds of parties, find people who enjoy the same things as you and hang out with them. If you have to go to these parties, don't be afraid to MAKE them fun. Sitting there and being miserable can be fixed. You just have to be brave enough to fix it!

    3496 days ago
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