LAM3652

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Done! but not quite...

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Basically, a number of less than desirable things have happened in and around my life recently and some not so recently (death, major injury, falling outs, etc.) that have sent me somewhat spiraling away from being on track where I was. In the past month or two, I have fallen away from my previously very good eating and exercise habits. I had an awesome personal challenge set out for myself and had so many goals I wanted to reach, but just kind of gave up on all of it. I let life get to me and it left me feeling slightly crazed (and it showed)... So what this all boils down to is that I'M DONE! Not with my weight loss or [lifelong] journey to a new, better and healthier lifestyle, but with the things that have gotten in the way of it.

I'm done letting things which are out of my control, control the way I live my life.
I'm done not following through 100%, or just not following through at all, on things.
I'm done not being completely happy with myself, regardless of how far I've come.
I'm done making excuses for myself!
I'm done letting myself think I'm not good enough or that I don't deserve to be happy or anything like that.
I'm done with the self-deprecating/negative talk no matter how hard it may be.
I'm done with not doing what is best for me as opposed to what may be best for everyone else.
I'm done letting what others think of me get to me or affect me in any way.
I'm done comparing myself to others.
I'm done being scared.

I'm so close to my end goal (only 35 more lbs!!!!!) and I hate to let it all just slip away like I've done so many times with different things in my life. I want so badly to complete this goal. I NEED to complete this goal of turning my life around and being the best (and healthiest) I can be. I HAVE to prove to *myself* that I can do whatever I set out to do no matter what obstacles get in the way. I've done a lot of great things, but I have to get myself to see them for what they are/were...GREAT...and not let the greatness of those achievements dim in the light of what went wrong here and there.

Honestly, it terrifies me, for some reason, to open up and ask for help or even talk about the serious/personal side of all of this. I can go on forever about working out and eating right, but when it comes to letting people know what's going on underneath all of the more superficial side I freeze up. I'm so used to doing/figuring out things on my own and not asking anyone for help unless I desperately need it. I'm scared to fully let people into my life. I need to be done with that. I have to open up and let others help me...whether I want to or not.

So, now trying to tie up this somewhat disconnected sort of a rant, it's been a long road so far and it's definitely not getting any shorter any time soon. I don't want to sound or try to be motivational if I'm not going to listen to my own advice anymore. I just have to remember to breathe when the going gets tough and know that I've been through a lot and I can do/get through anything! It's gonna be Damn hard, but I'm going to do this (100% and no matter how much it scares me) and it might as well be with a little help from my friends!!!

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Thank you so much to everyone and anyone who has been there so far with me along the way and to those who come along down the long and winding road.
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