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Attitudes of a Former Anorexic

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

As I enter day 3 I find myself questioning if this can actually work. I don't feel like I'm doing anything special or sacrificing and because of that I think I can't possibly lose weight. You see when I was in my early teens I was anorexic. It wasn't so much that I weighed so little that I was in danger health wise but it may have gotten to that point had I not been forced to change my ways. Anyway my tiny body weighed 95 pounds at 5'5 but the main thing was that what I saw when I looked in the mirror was a disgusting, obese, pig that would rather die that be fat. I know that's a terrible thing but in my sick mind that is what I saw. I ate an average of one snack bag of Fritos a day and still thought I overate. Perhaps if I hadn't gotten pregnant at 15 and forced myself to eat to keep the baby alive I would have ended up in the hospital.

19 years later I am overweight. Not obese in any sense of the word but overweight all the same. The problem is I occasionally still have the thoughts I had back when I was 95 pounds. "If I eat I will be fat." I know this is not true. I know that I must eat to fuel my body and even for it to lose weight. I know I must consume enough calories to run my body but burn more calories than I consume to lose weight. I know the reality of the situation but it doesn't keep me from thinking I need to stop eating. Stop eating so I can lose weight. Each day I have kept within all of the recommendations and have met or exceeded the exercise minutes but I still feel like I'm failing. I know it has only been three days but how can I possibly lose weight if I am consuming so much food? It's not a matter of staying motivated, it's not a problem to keep moving, or to burn off the calories I've taken in. The problem is making sure to eat and to keep the mentality and attitudes of my inner anorexic at bay. I wish I didn't care about my weight but I do want to be healthy and I do want to look good but part of that is to eat right. It's only day three I'm sure I'll be able to make it. Perhaps I will actually see some results and then I'll know that eating is the key to losing weight not starving. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    When you were a teenager, your pregnancy allowed you to reorient your thinking about what was "eating properly". What can you use now to measure your success? Do you find that hitting your spark people targets helps? Do you trust the numbers on the scale? Can you let yourself set some achievable, healthy goals that when you meet them you will allow yourself to process them as success?

    Maybe make a pact with yourself to give eating within the recommended range a chance for 4-6 weeks?

    What you're doing is brave. It must be hard.
    2995 days ago
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