Why I Don't Log On As Much...
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
This week I met a sparkfriend in person. Such a nice thing to have an actual person to go with the online persona. She asked me a question that I have been thinking about ever since our meeting the other night... "How has your life changed since you lost weight?" At first I didn't know what to say, because I didn't really think it had that much. Well, that is to say, it had not changed only as a result of that. But the truth is it went hand in hand with many changes I decided to make in my life along the last year and a half.
I started my journey in the summer of 2009. I can't exactly tell you why it worked this time, or what made all the pieces fall into place. And I know that frustrates the heck out of some of you because I was like you and wanted to know what the "trick" to it all is. Sorry. I don't have the answer. I was just... ready. Being ready to make that one change made me ready to make other changes.
I was never the type of girl afraid of living my own life and marching to my own beat. Believe me, it was so much my own beat it annoyed the heck out of some of my friends and my sister. But I was generous to a fault, giving more to others than I did to myself. My path to my current size 4 (sometimes 6 depending as we all know how that goes) let me learn how to make me important, making certain I cared about me. I could no longer take care of others to a detriment to myself. Goodbye toxic relationships, the one that had only been a friendship but had played the title of bf/gf. Ridiculous. Friendships that were with negative people faded into the background. I started to live for me.
I am not perfect by any means. I am still learning. And omg the men that I have encountered I am still learning to manage. I don't know how to play their games because I am nice and genuine. But I am learning. Sometimes I see myself start to slip and put their or other friends needs ahead of my own and I consciously have to stop myself. Then I get ticked off at them and myself.
Spark is a tool, and it has served me well. I don't log on as much because I am busy living for a change, that is to say living for me. I moved to a town where I don't know anyone simply because I wanted to. I took a job in LA because I wanted to. I date people I want to, even if my decision is questionable to others lol. I do things I want to, even if it causes some conflict with those I love because I cannot make myself unhappy anymore just so I won't ruffle feathers. (Yes, I am talking about my sister, the only one I ever did that with.) Its sometimes difficult to live for me with a long history of graciously making others happy all the time, but I got really unhappy doing that sometimes.
Will I ever stop Sparking? Of course not. I still have a goal. But right now, I am working on maintaining my loss and am pretty proud of myself for maintaining where I am for so long. I could have never done that before. I was always lose some, gain it back... and add on more. No more of that. I will NEVER worry about losing that much weight ever again. That is a promise I make to myself all the time.
There are other promises too. This year I do want to reach my goal weight, but I am not ready for that at the moment and I know that. So I am not going to get on the start and fail roller coaster. I am still talking myself up to it. I am setting a month, and right now I am thinking I will start in March. My other silly goals for 2011 include being smarter when it comes to men (Sound Sculptor is still in the picture somewhere but who knows), explore something new at least once a month (even if I have to save to do it), not to let my sister get to me as much, and have fun doing all of it. Oh yeah, and remember I am a fabulous person and everyone else can take it or leave it. I worked hard for everything I have and it may not be exactly perfect but it is as good as it gets at the moment and I am happy with it. :)
So take care of yourselves. You are your best friend. And if you need a cheerleader, message me. I always answer Spark Mail. :)