Creating A New Me in 2011
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Here it is 230am and I should really be getting to bed. But, I have so much on my mind tonight. Yes, I'm still alive! Sorry I've been MIA! I just haven't been in the mood to care about anything about ME these last few months. But, today was a good day for me. I've been really stressed these last few months and part of that has been due to finances. Well, I was blessed with a nearly $500 cash gift this holiday season and it really allowed me to step back and put some things into perspective in my life. I think I get so stressed and worried that I tend to forget what really matters. I try too hard to be everything for everyone because I feel that it's my responsibility. But, sometimes you just gotta stop and ask for some help. Somthing I am NOT very good at doing.....even from family.
I'm very much a black and white person.....its either all or nothing. Some might say I have OCD tendecies but really its just me trying to assert some control in my life. My childhood was very dysfunctional, uncontrollable, and filled with chaos, abuse, and neglect. So as an adult I've noticed that controlling my life....or trying to....is how I deal. Unfortunately, I'm only one person and sometimes you just gotta stop and turn things over to God. Another concept that is foreign to me. Anyway, all of this applies to my weight loss, too. The perfect eating plan for me is having everything laid out in front of me. Knowing what my menu for that day is going to be before I even eat it. I've learned that if I write down what I eat BEFORE I eat it, then I stay on track better. I can't allow myself that ONE DrPepper because then I want another one and another one. Just one won't hurt, right? Wrong! For me, it does! And, after Ive had a few I'm just like FORGET IT! WHY DIET! WHY CHANGE MY EATING HABITS! And, I fall down once again. I've found that other aspects of my life are the same way. Take my bedroom, for example, where I spend most of my time. My bedroom is kinda like my mini-apartment since I live with my aunt. Sure we share a house and I pay my share of the bills, but I guess I feel like my bedroom is really the only place I have to call mine. The rest of the house I just inhabit occassionally. I spend most of my time in my room on the computer, watching tv, reading, or doing whatever I want. Therefore, when my room is a mess and disorganized I feel it inside me. Basically when I'm in a bad place inside, I need organization and order around me. And, that hasn't been my life for awhile. So today I am proud to say I accomplished A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I moved furniture around to make my bedroom more organized and functional. I went through every piece of clothing I have. I reorganized the clothing either in my dresser or hung up in my closet. Anything I did not want went into a big comforter bag that I put in the bottom of my closet. My closet that I can now walk into because IT'S ORGANIZED! Literally, the other side of my bed...by the closet....was so bad that I couldn't even walk on the floor. Of course, now I need to do about three loads of laundry and buy more hangers, but it's coming together.
The next step is all these millions of papers, bills, books, etc that I need to sort through and organize or either throw away. Part of the reason I got behind on bills was because I didn't budget or organize them. At the beginning of the year I did really well with paying everything on time and writing everything down, keeping receipts, marking on my calendar when everything was due, etc. But, then I lost hours at work and bills just fell behind. I started working at Walmart in May and I was already so far behind that I couldn't see straight. Then the summer came with $300/monthly electric bills and I got farther and farther into debt.....stressing me out even more.
And, when I'm stressed I don't have a good head on my shoulders. Forget trying to eat healthy and exercise. Forget everything!!!
This might not sound like much to some people, but just a part of your every day life, but for me this is a big accoomplishment. And, it's something I've done on my own.
As for my weight loss, I haven't been doing very well eating healthy and staying on track. I've been eating out, eating fattening food, and not exercising. But, I guess I'm not doing too bad because Ive lost more weight. I'm at 285 right now, which is the smallest I have been since 2004. So that's a HUGE Accomplishment for me! I didn't gain weight during the holidays, but lost! Of course, I was sick half of Decemeber...including Christmas week so I 'm sure that helped. I spent Christmas Day in my bedroom alone because I was so sick and didn't need to be infecting everyone else. I did get to come out and open presents up with everyone though. I felt so left out! Lol!
Alrighty, I better get to bed! It's nearly 3am! Yikes!