Children ummm

Friday, December 31, 2010

I have two sons whom I have raised alone even when their father (i use the term loosely) and I were married. We divorced in '02 and he decided to move to Florida. Has not been there for the boys or myself. My sons are now 21 and 23 and on their own. They both have a girlfriend of which I cannot stand. The one is straight forward about her attitude, the other on the other hand is sneaky, so I just found out. My son and her came to live with my boyfriend and myself for a couple of months until they move to Florida, you guessed it, with his dead beat father (I call him their sperm donor) that is when I found out their true colors; my son and hers. He treats her like a porcelain doll, whatever she wants she gets. She whines and demands to have what she wants when she wants it and he complies. I found out my sons true colors when he lied to my face not 5 minutes after telling me something she said.
Here is the scenario: I had surgery on 12/21/10 and on 12/27 I needed to go see the surgeon to have the steri-strips and stitch taken out, I asked my son to take me since I have had no time alone with him since they moved in and I thought it would be nice to spend sometime together before they went to Florida, well she had a fit, she was upset because in her words they are a package. This is what he told me she said, when I confronted her and repeated what he told me he looked at me and said I did not say that. I could not believe he just boldly lied to save his butt with her and put me under the bus. Needless to say I took myself as my boyfriend was busy, and no I did not get any time with my son because they left that night when they were supposed to leave the 31st. I am mortified by his behavior and how he lets her manipulate him I did not raise my sons to be anyone's door mat. Everyone says he will grow up and realize what he has done and what kind of girl he has chosen to be with. I hope to God he does.
I am proud of myself though, I did not cry when they left, I was relieved to not have to see her anymore or watch my son live like a sap. I know it will be a matter of time before they come running back to GA. because the sperm donor will not have patience for their behavior, and guess what when they come back with their tails between their legs my door will no longer be a revolving door.
No one said it was easy raising kids especially alone but when you raise them with family values and guidance and love you would think they would give some back. I know my sons love but they have a crappy way of expressing it.
Does anyone have some encouraging words or advice as to what I need to do different or just keep my plan of not making myself available for them anymore emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My son moved back to Ga after a couple of months and he realized what he had done and apologized. They are no longer togethertogether and he has recently moved back to Florida with a job. I appreciate the advice from everyone, but, sometimes we have to deal with our children the best way we now how. Since I raised them myself, I pretty much know how to deal with them.
    2745 days ago
    They were there for a couple of months so I would suppose you had some time with your son. One day doesn't seem should be so important to get so upset over. Getting so upset over it only damages your relationship.

    I do agree with stopping the revolving door, but do it in a loving way and not with anger. And, make it plain that he and his girlfriend are always welcome for a visit, or for a weekend at most, if they have traveled to see you. That's what you would do for any 'guest'. And now that he's grown he comes to your home as a 'guest'. It isn't his home any more, it's only yours.

    Also, the more you make it obvious that you don't like your sons girlfriends, the more harm you do to your relationship with them. That's a tough balancing act cause you don't want their girlfriends taking your good heart for granted, and you don't want to have to put up with flack from them, but you also don't want to even appear to be dictating your son's relationships or it will put a huge wedge in your relationship with your sons - sometimes for life.
    2745 days ago
    emoticon I agree with SBlackwell. Continue to love them, but don't enable them. They are grown men and need to learn to take care of themselves.
    3577 days ago
    Remember that they are "trying to find their way". Most of us don't find our ways till we are in our 30's. Let them do their thing but hold steady when it comes to the revolving door, actually take that revolving door out and put a steel door. That they will bump their heads on. You are a strong woman. They will eventually realize they need their mothers love and will come back and be the men you expect them to be, it just takes patience. Always let them know you love them, but cut the apron strings and let them flounder so they are on their own two feet.

    My mom used to be there for me all the time, money, time, you name it she gave it till she met my stepfather. My stepfather put a stop to all that she was doing, thus forcing my husband and myself to fend for ourselves. I now thank him for forcing us to get on our own two feet, though at the time i hated him for getting inbetween me and my mom like that. Now we all respect each other and have a better relationship.

    Hold in there and be strong.
    3582 days ago
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