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Day 341: Way Better Than Sauce

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I am quirky and I love it. It's taken me all year to own that...

I like returning things more than I like buying them. I just like the feeling of getting my money back. It is WBTS [way better than sauce.]

The other day I returned bagged lettuce. Why? Because. And I forgot I hate lettuce more than going to the gynecologist.

Aren't those good reasons? I thought so. The lady at customer service - not so much.

And I don't like crunches because I don't like lying on the floor in the gym. There are germs down there. If I am lying on the floor at the gym - it's because I fell - not because I am perfecting my 12-pack.

The only crunches I like are Nestle's [hermetically sealed in its wrapper, of course.]

Because I don't like throngs of strangers breathing on my food.

This is why you would have to sedate me or shoot me with a tranquilizer gun to get me to eat at a buffet.

However, I love giving speeches [and I think I read a survey that said people fear speeches more than actual death.]

I fear driving at night and driving in the snow and people putting their naked butts on my toilet seat and the parking lot at Target during Christmas - because I am pretty sure someone would run me over if they knew they could get away with it.

But speeches - eh. I am convinced people lose interest after 30 seconds. I do.

But it seems the more comfortable I become with who I am the more uncomfortable some "friends" [and I use that word looslely] become with me.

And the past several weeks, I was way past the hurt part and I got stuck in [insert pig Latin here] issed-pay part. I was angry everytime I saw a "friend" who said something crappy to me

About the boots, about the dresses, about the food, about everything - just freakin' shut up. I think I prefer the ones who become cold and distant, but that sucks too.

And then I lashed out at a D-bag [duffel bag] and she cried. [I know. Right? I'm gonna get coal in my stocking...] I felt chez crappy because duffel bags are people too - even if they're rude.

So I hit Introspection Road yet again. I am not really into the whole angry girl thing - like ever - plus it is bad for my skin.

And I ended up at this Christmas tale over and over again. I wasn't sure why and I didn't want to go... [sigh. Introspection sucks.]

It was dark outside. "Grab some stuff and let's go," she said urgently. I was sleeping.

Fleeing in the middle of the night was typical. I just threw as much as I could carry into a knap sack and off we went.

This part sucked though - I could never take all of my toys, but it was so close to Christmas and I was sure that I would get new ones.

While we were on the Greyhound bus, she said we were going to my aunt's house in New York. I didn't know how far New York was from California but the bus ride seemed like forever.

With each new state, it got colder and my flimsy jacket felt flimsier.

"Do you have it?" she implored at a rest stop.

She meant the change jar where we put quarters and extra money. We used it to buy food at rest stops.

It was my job to grab it. But I forgot.

Immediately I knew what she meant and immediately I felt a knot in my stomach. She knew from the look on my face that the answer was "no."

I knew that she would've beat the crap out of me if we weren't surrounded by people.

Instead my mother called me "stupid" and "useless" for the whole trip. Even so, I was happy to learn we would arrive in New York on Christmas day. That would surely make up for this horrible trip.

When my aunt drove us from the bus station to her house, opening her front door was like walking into Santa's work shop - mountains of presents were everywhere.

Sweet! And she had food. This was going to be great - I thought.

My cousin, her daughter, opened the first present. She dug and dug until she found a gift with her name, first she squealed with delight, and then ripped the paper off. She did this over and over again.

I kept wondering when was it my turn.

As the morning progressed, I realized there were less and less presents to open and I sank deeper and deeper into my chair in the corner - no one even acknowledged me.

My aunt finally said, "Oh," as if she remembered something and she reached behind a chair pulled out a paper shopping bag and gave it to me. There were 3 cans of peanuts [not 3 individual cans, a 3-pack with a red label.]

Yup. Peanuts. [Just for the record, I like cashews and almonds.]

But neither is a great gift for an ten-year-old.

I wish I could say this was my worst Christmas as a kid - but it wasn't. [I know. Right?]

The reason I keep ending up at this story is not to lament my childhood. I have triumphed many times over and I am one seriously lucky chick. I am alive. I am sane. And I have a freaking awesome life with many people who love me - for me.

But to realize I see friendships as sacred because I picked them. I couldn't pick my family.

And when friendships become indifferent or suddenly cold, it is hurtful.

I was angry because I want them to see me, love me and not simply change their mind in the middle of the night.

The seeming casual nature of the exclusion simply blows my mind.

And it is my weakness because my friends are my family. And I don't want to just toss them away or treat them like they can't be human or like they don't matter or like an afterthought

Like I was treated.

I want to be surrounded by my sassy, hot friends when I am old [like on that show - The Golden Girls. My cats are sassy, but it's not the same...]

I had to acknowledge this so I was no longer controlled by this obligation

To put my friends' feelings first

And I had to figure out how to identify negative "friends" in my life [this brilliant blog by Linda Benedict really helped me www.sparkpeople.com/mypa

Because I always view friends as precious gems - when they are just people.

Like I am people.

And this is the reality

Sometimes people can't give the love and support I need or want

And I had to learn to give it to myself

Some friends will not make it to the end of this journey with me

Some friends will get left behind as I grow past them

Some will not embrace my new life and body as I have

[And that is their problem.]

And the most loving thing I can do is say good-bye

Because everytime I do I feel so much lighter [I can't even explain how free I feel right now]

But I am free

Good-bye is not the end

It is the beginning of putting me first.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Let me assure you: if you are speaking, you have my attention for more than 30 seconds. Keep loving you! We do...

    2667 days ago
    As usual....An intriguing read. Thanks for sharing. I have experienced that whole friend thing - but now I see it a little differently! Thank You!
    2668 days ago
    Your blog made me cry. You are an awesome insightful woman - you will get "there"..... I'm sure of it! emoticon
    2668 days ago
    Lovely. All I can say, is I am doing my best to cultivate the gift of "Good-bye." I haven't mastered it yet... BUT I have learned that if you don't say good-bye when you should, it gets really ugly. And it can sap the life out of you! :-)

    2668 days ago
  • CINDY4466
    I lost a five-year friendship last year to petty things. We did everything together. Worked, vacations with our kids (both single moms) and visited the Minnesota Vikings, partied, ate... you name it. We were the Cindi and Cindy show. This past year without her has been very hard. But I realize sometimes you do just have to let go. I am working on that.
    Surprisingly an old friend from my childhood came back into my life over a seasonal job and she has joined Sparks and is doing so well...
    Maybe God gives of friends when we need them and then they leave...but he always has more to share if we open our eyes. I am thankful for all my friends ; especially all my spark friends.
    Especially you girl, keep writing, keep inspiring. Love ya! emoticon emoticon
    2669 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2669 days ago
  • ANGIE121
    Dont know you but think I love you! Inspirational, funny and so entertaining!
    2669 days ago
  • TABU077
    I realize I don't even know you, but I love you! You are always entertaining and completely hilarious. I'd listen to your speech any day! :-)
    2669 days ago
    What a way to begin 2011!

    You are amazing and I'm lucky to have you as a friend.

    I love you emoticon
    2669 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your story! Even with virtual friends it takes a lot to put yourself out there like that! I can't wait to see what 2011 brings for us!!
    2669 days ago
    Warning: Unsolicited advice about to erupt........

    May I suggest you check out Byron Katies website? You've come so far in your journey, and I am speaking emotionally, not physically here. Her books might just bring you to the ultimate freedom we all seek.

    Or maybe not.......

    2670 days ago
  • NLS2013
    Awesome blog! Thank you for writing and sharing this! emoticon emoticon
    2670 days ago
  • ONE6OH
    You never stop WOW-ing me. I am so proud of you and your transformation.
    May God continue to bless and keep you.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2670 days ago
    All I can say is "WOW" and thank you.
    2670 days ago
    God bless you angel girl. I am so happy to have met you here. You are one of my fav's and this story broke my heart. We all have sad stories to tell, but yours hurt my heart as I could see that little girl hungry, belittled and bewildered at no gifts when the other little one got so many.
    You are a gift and a treasure, never ever forget it my friend. You are beautiful and the trials and tribulations you have endured are what made you the angel you are today.
    With love and deep respect.
    Carol emoticon
    2670 days ago
    Love you Doll!
    Thank you for sharing yourself!
    2670 days ago
  • NCOX25
    2670 days ago
  • LJHST5
    Woooooo!!! Way to put it out there!! emoticon I relate so much to your feelings about friendship and how precious you view them since you choose them. And how much it hurts when there is betrayal or no longer a connection with your current life. I don't know what else to say except emoticon emoticon emoticon

    It's nice to know I'm not alone emoticon
    2670 days ago
  • MARYT41
    Im never disapointed when I read a blog from you! In fact the only disapointment is when there isnt a new one to read, but then I just reread the old ones! lol I have to tell you that just having you as a friend on here is enough to get me going in 2011! Thank You for all the inspiration you give me! You are so in tune with who you are I just know I will be there one day! Thank you again and YOU GO GIRL!!!

    2670 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and Christmas story. While my story is different, I am an only child who has lost both her parents and has complicated family situation. My friends are my family and as you say "sacred". Seems those of us who have lost much have a connection... as one friend says "you become a member of a club you never wanted to belong to". You have conquered much... congratulations on your newfound "lightness" and freedom :) You inspire me!
    2670 days ago
    So often your blogs say something I'm thinking (though more articulately and more hilarious than I would). 2010 has been one of those years for me... a year of growth and a year of lost friendships... luckily I've also made a couple of new friends, and luckily I feel stronger at being me with or without the haters.
    2670 days ago
    What inspiration! Thanks for sharing this wonderful blog. I too value my friends like precious gems and through the years have learned to just weed out the ones who affect me negatively. Anyone having you as a friend is blessed!

    2670 days ago
    Personally, I think that's a wonderful reason to return a bag of lettuce, lol. Thank you for sharing your Christmas story as well. I really like your attitude about picking your friends and making those relationships sacred!
    2670 days ago
    Ilove quirky people- and I love =d your blog ;) I totally agree that friendship is a pretty amazing and powerful thing. And finding a true friend that appreciates you as much as you, them- is worth my starting weight in gold ;)
    2670 days ago
    I always want to be one of the friends who walks WITH you.

    2670 days ago
    Fantastic blog, and so-o-o accurate - yes, Ifeel lighter too upon saying goodbye - not all friends are meant to be there till the end, only the very special ones, many of whom seem to have appeared on Spark!!
    Happy 2011!!
    2670 days ago
    I am sitting at work with tears running down my face right now GIRL! First of all, I'm sorry and sad that at any time in your life, ANYONE, let alone your FAMILY, made you feel worthless. And I understand the struggle between keeping friends in your life or choosing to let them go when they are no longer healthy for you. But most of all, I am in awe of your beautiful, magical, sassy self and so glad that you have kept your heart whole in the midst of growing and dealing with the negatives constantly thrown your way. We all get hit with these, but you are a true example of how to fight your way through them to the positives waiting just on the other side. I hope your Christmas this year was WONDERFUL and that you were surrounded by the love and appreciation of your chosen family!
    2670 days ago
    So, are you going to write that book I've been begging you for? Your flashback to your childhood really, really touched me! You are a truly amazing woman. Thank you for sharing.
    2670 days ago
    emoticon You are the emoticon
    2670 days ago
    Wow- no wonder every blog you write gets an award! Awesome writing, friend, and awesome PERSON! Great reflections-- thank you for sharing your experiences. It's so true-- we need to learn to accept ourselves before our friends will, and we need to recognize when the "friends" we surround ourselves with actually are breaking us down.

    Have an amazing New Year! Keep up the awesome blogs!
    2670 days ago
    Thank you. I am working on "releasing" some friends too. It is never easy when you invest your heart and time into other people. However, I have come to realize that when you continue to put your heart out there and that person continues to step on it, even after you have told them how hurtful their behavior is, then it is time to let it go and be free. So, thank you for confirming what I already knew.
    2670 days ago
    Enjoyed your blog and I agree with the others, nothing wrong with being quirky! I've been called that more than once and I like it!
    Have a Sparkling 2011!

    2670 days ago
    Great blog. Its hard when friends start to treat you differently. But some friends are meant to be part of your life for a certain period, others are friends for life. It can be sad to see a friendship move to the past but I think then you really start to treasure those who are with you forever. Kinda cool.
    emoticon emoticon
    2670 days ago
    Healing is WBTS! Creating your own holiday happiness is WBTS, and genuine, friendly people are even better than mango salsa!
    (seems to me that if you survived the Greyhound bus terminal, you don't have to worry about the gym! I'm sure that they clean the gym more often!) emoticon
    2670 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/27/2010 7:26:36 AM
    Merry Christmas Teeny--I had just about given up on this site--not because of the blogging and reading others blogs but just inputting--I wanted a break from tracking food and exercise tracking. Then I read your blog and I remember why I am here because I have made some real friends to share some real moments. Even though we don't "know each other" it is never stopped us from really whole-heartedly encouraging each other. That is what real friends do and maybe we won't be there for the whole trip but we are really enjoying the journey when we are together.LOL Thanks again for being the light house--LOL
    U r such a beautiful soul. ps.--haven't gained anything back and holding down the fort!
    WW emoticon
    2670 days ago
    2670 days ago
  • MOM23JS
    I think you wrote my story.... I can't even count how many friends have dropped me like a hot potato because I have changed.... through different points of life, not just this point and losing weight and getting healthy. It is sad that people that I thought would be my Golden Girl friends as you said, turned out to be no better than the men is used to date before my husband... not worthy of my time and affection that I bestowed but still sad that it turned out that way.
    2671 days ago
  • KLS777
    Well said!
    2671 days ago
    Thanks for sharing, I needed to read that . Makes ke feel better about myself.
    2671 days ago
    I think you are wonderful just the way you are, my friend! Here's to putting yourself first!.
    2671 days ago
  • KIJO0607
    You know what ALL of us are quirky. I can so relate to your story and I appreciate your courage and honesty!
    2671 days ago
    Nothing wrong with being quirky, I have a few quirks of my own. Not only do I not let my silverware touch my teeth, I don't want your silvrware to touch your teeth. Any time someone around me does that , I just want to reach out and snatch the silverware out of their hands. Most of my family I love, probably because most of them leave in a differant state then I do. I lost my very best friend Judy in June of 2004, we had been best friends since 1978. I still haven't found anyone else that I connect with like I did with her. Still looking for my golden girl friends.
    2671 days ago
    Thank you. All I can say....is thank you.
    2671 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. Sad and inspiring at the same time. You are awesome.
    2671 days ago
    so inspiring! thanks for your wit, your genuineness, and for being YOU!
    2671 days ago
    Wow, emoticon blog! You're SO lucky you took away lessons from your hurtful childhood to make you a better person. What a gift.
    Thanks so much for sharing your story. emoticon
    2671 days ago
    You are a GREAT SF. Hope your Christmas was all you hoped and wished for.

    •*´¨) † God's Blessings
    ¸.• ¸.•*´¨)¸.•*¨) †
    (¸.• ♥ Kathy ♥
    2671 days ago
    2671 days ago
    Mind Blowing! You Rock! emoticon
    2671 days ago
    Wow. I am sorry. I know this isn't my story, and I know I had nothing to do with it, but I am sorry for what you had to go through as a child; the stuff you shared, and especially the stuff you didn't. Nobody deserves that.

    Life is hard when other people are involved. I struggle with family and friends constantly, and my friend pool has turned into more of a wading pool. As I grow and change, I do have to leave some people behind on my journey, just as they leave me behind as they follow their own paths.

    What I've learned is to be true to myself and my beliefs - difficult, cuz I wanna be liked, even by people I DON'T like. (Don't ask me why. I don't know.) But I gotta be good with me if I'm gonna be good with you.

    Merry Christmas, Teeny. You rock!

    2671 days ago
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