Not as easy as I thought.... :(
Saturday, December 18, 2010
So I had my baby 5 weeks ago today. I am totally in love with my little guy, although he has been fussy the last couple of days. I can't imagine why i didn't want to have another one-- he is so amazing!! :):) (This is my last though-- I am getting my tubes tied! lol)
I feel pretty good about how I handled my pregnancy. I tracked my food and weight everyday, never lost my focus for more than a day or two at a time, continued my kickboxing workouts 5 days a week (typically) up until 2 days before baby was born, and gained waaay less than I normally do- about 35 lbs. The few days before he was born, my weight skyrocketed-- I gained 10 lbs in 3 days, and my bloodpressure went up too high. Otherwise I would have gained less. But anyways, for that reason the Dr. put me on bedrest, so that is why I didn't kickbox to the very day of delivery. Trust me-- I had to force myself NOT to do it!!! (Who would have thought....) The week after I delivered, my weight remained steady-- I didn't lose at all!! Then all of a sudden I started losing 4-5 lbs a day, till I had lost a total of 22 lbs. I was thrilled-- I only had about 15 lbs to get back to my start weight, and then keep on going doooown the scale.
Or so I thought. Then life happened-- I was too busy and sleep deprived to track my food or even really care about it (totally understandable) I started eating whatever, whenver. My husbands work car broke down- now I was left without a car, b/c he had to take mine to work, plus figuring out how to get another car. (More money I don't have)
My husbands family was driving me crazy-- when baby was 1 week old, a bunch of them came over, played poker and drank till 2:00AM, crashed at my house, ate all the food I had in the house (I hadn't gotten groceries since I didn't have a car) trashed my house and left in the morning. This was all too much for me--my older kids were driving me crazy, plus the worry of the car and the stupid partying (BTW-- supposedly they had come to meet the baby) I pretty much lost it for a few days. There were times when I just wanted to die-- not AT ALL b/c of my baby or kids-- I just felt so terribly overwhemed. There were times I wanted to hurt myself, and maybe some when I did. I prayed like I have never before, I cried rivers, I crawled inside myself and didn't want to come out. When I did come out, I realized that food was my only friend. It was always there for me, always made me feel better, never let me down. Of course this is not true, but in my time of need I "needed" it. I had many secret roundevous with it while I was up all night with baby, or when everyone else left me alone. The next couple of weeks I had drama and problems, and more drama and more problems-- I hate drama, so this was not cool. Thanksgiving was horrible- the worst ever, and I felt horrible for my kids not being able to enjoy it. I still loaded up on cheesecake and potatoes-- they took the edge off. :(
So here I am today, UP 10 lbs from where I was after delivery.(254!!!) I am so ashamed to admit it, and that is why I haven't written-- I didn't want to admit it. But on the other hand, I need to admit it and get it out. I have been doing much better this last week. I started my workouts again, everyday. ( I started a couple of weeks ago, but not consistently) Trying to get back into healthy eating habits. I am still so mad that I packed on an extra 10 lbs-- I worked SO hard to not gain. But I have a new mantra for those slipups-- "All is forgiven, lets move on" It really helps me with my perspective. It will do me NO good to keep kicking myself- I must move on. And moving on I am.
I learned a lot from this experience. I need to put more faith in God-- I have been praying, even reading my Bible. I need to feed my soul, not my mouth. Another thing I learned is that I am THANKFUL- so very thankful- that my weight/diet/exercise is one of my biggest problems. When I was having the other problems, I felt my world was crashing down around me. I had NO control. I longed for the "days" when my weight was my biggest problem-- at least I could control what I put in my mouth, etc. So now that things are more normal, I remind myself that this is such a great problem to have, compared to what it could be. And I am in control. I am done with binges. I honestly do NOT want to binge anymore. I don't want to be controlled by food anymore. I am visualizing myself not even being tempted by food. And I like it. Before I was always waiting for the next binge to "happen." Every time I ate well, I just KNEW that eventually I would fall and have another binge-- it was just a matter of time. Now I can see me not having another one, ever. It can happen-- it will.
I am going home for Christmas. I haven't been in over 5 years. We can't afford it, but another thing I learned from the last few weeks is that memories, experiences, family- are so much more important than money and things. I haven't been back b/c I was always saving my money for something else. What I didn't think about was - I was taking my kids memories away from them. None of my kids remember Xmas at grandmas. They barely know their cousins at all, don't know real snow, don't know where I grew up-- so many things that are a part of me, made me who I am. I take it for granted that I know all of this stuff. I have years and years of memories of Xmas at grandmas-- they have none!!! (I feel amazingly horrible that it took me so long to realize this) So we are going to go- maybe I'll have to pay a couple of bills late, but my kids will start making memories like I have.
I am super optomistic about my "new" life. I guess I needed this shake up to wake me up. Thank God for the hard times, and helping us to pull through. :)
I plan on losing at least 80 lbs this year. I know I can do it-- I don't even doubt it!! That is less than 2 lbs a week, and with my amazing determination, I know it will happen. I am focused, determined. I have a game plan that I'll write more on later. I have seen so many women that have achieved their goals, and they inspire me, motivate me to do it also, simply b/c I KNOW I am strong like that. I can do this, we can all reach our goals-- in weight loss and life. So moving on.......