I am finally feeling sexy ;)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
This weekend was an interesting affirmation of why I have been doing this. Lately I have been feeling "fat" again. What does that translate too exactly? Well I went from an apple shape to an avocado, why do we have to use food references for shape even if they are still healthy foods??? Anyway, I am feeling VERY bottom heavy. I am very happy with the top of me. When the boobs started to disappear I got a bit panicky but they have stopped doing that and I am happy where they are at. The spare tire and hips are what is really chipping away at my self confidence. I really don't care what my numerical weight is anymore when I get down to a healthy size I just want the tire to go away. That is when I will stop. Clothes are starting to actually look good on me and I am learning how to dress my body type. I get excited when I can get into smaller sizes but just because I can get them on doesn't mean they are flattering so I am worrying less about the size on the label.
Saturday night my friends took my out for my birthday a week early. My best friend is going back to Colombia for his sister's wedding, which is on my birthday, so we decided to celebrate before he left. I went shopping that morning for my fiancé, he needed a work shirt and is working 100+ hours a week so he didn't have time to buy it himself, so of course I had to try a few things on as well :). I have learned clothes can look so different on the hanger so I tried on this very simple V-neck shirt that was a bit flow. It LOOKED AWESOME. I bought it and this cami with a delicate lace detail around the neck that is so not me but I am trying to step out of my shell.
I wore my new shirt with some jeans that look really good on my new body, cute boots, blew out my hair, and I was feeling pretty hot. That doesn't happen often but it should. I went to the grocery store on the way to meet my friends and let me tell you it was a bit overwhelming. Men where literally falling over themselves to help me. Men in line where smiling at me and asking me if I needed help, the manager came over and asked me if I needed anything, old men where smiling and winking at me when I walked by, women were glaring at me (I have decided I am not longer letting women be the enemy so I smile back, we should all appreciate each other!). Honestly it bordered on creepy. This is the first time I have experienced this and it made me feel awesome but it also made me a bit sad. Do I really have more value because of what I look like? No. The harsh reality is looks do matter a great deal in our society. Life is easier when you look good. All this time I have been saying it shouldn't matter, that I don't care what people think of me but I do care. It is nice to be appreciated. To not be looked at and ridiculed for being heavy. To just feel like a normal woman having a good hair day. I hope as I adjust to my new looks that I am able to reconcile this. I used to tell my ex husband you can tell when a person used to be really overweight because they look at you, not through you. People who have never had a weight problem tend to look through morbidly obese people, like you don't exist. I vow to never become a person who values myself or other people solely based on looks because I know how much that hurts.
This was supposed to be a happy blog, damn my over analytical brain. Nights like this are what is keeping me going. I might not be losing as fast as I would like but I am doing it, period, and I am NEVER going back. With every pound that melts away I am rediscovering me and I like myself now. I never thought I would feel that way. I LIKE MYSELF. What this all boils down to are those words. When we choose to stop punishing ourselves and hating ourselves we will be free. It is all about self love.