Funny! some adult content

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

My sister just sent me this e-mail and I thought I would share


I want to thank everyone for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery."

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer ask the waitress to put lemon slices in my ice water for fear of the bacteria and pesticides on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed 6 months ago.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I cant use any ones toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I cant ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Quaida, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I cant use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I cant do any gardening because I am afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex-mother-in-laws second husbands cousins best friends beautician...

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Have a wonderful day! and SMILE it looks great on you! emoticon
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  • SHERRY256
    Too funny! I once knew someone who always carried around wipes and offered them everytime we went out to lunch together. It got old real fast and honestly, it just seemed weird to me.

    2718 days ago
    So I hadn't yet seen the one about the penny, and I must have deleted the one about germs on lemons, but I'm pretty sure if I dug far enough back in my emails, I'd find everything else!
    Hilarious when you string them all together like that!
    2721 days ago
    You made my day.
    2722 days ago
    ROFL Thanks for making me smile today. I guess I'm brain dead because my hand never left the mouse even after reading that. ;)
    2722 days ago
    I never knew.
    2722 days ago
    ROFL, thanks for sharing, laughter is the best medicine.
    2722 days ago
    Doh! And I snatched my hand off that mouse in a microsecond, too!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Too funny!
    2722 days ago
    I get them too. Some are cute, some totally off the wall. I was guillable enough to do some of them in the years past but I've learned better now that I'm a bit older (LOL, I'm 57). Thanks for sharing and a good laugh. emoticon
    2722 days ago
  • TEJAS1291
    Thanks for sharing!!!!LOL SOOO funny.Who's been in my email???I swear I have gotten most of these....from a friend of my Aunt's mother in laws brothers wifes mother!!!LOL
    2722 days ago
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