I've spent the past two days playing different roles. Student, yes. Professional, yes. But also the parts of tourist and fitness lover and explorer. It's not the I've split myself, but more that I've allowed myself to enjoy every part of myself while I'm here. Yesterday I spent my lunch walking around with a group of young New York lawyers, enjoying the part of me that is passionate about the system of which I'm a small part of. I engaged that part of me that believes in justice and doing what is right, the part of me that is interested in the world around me and the things that are cast on a larger level that affect me in some way. Today for lunch, I wanted my secret, quiet ME time, so I'm spending it here...with my blog and my lunch and the TV background noise.
Walking with young NY attorneys to visit the US Supreme Court building.
See me? I'm so cool! *lmao*
Surprisingly, it didn't seem imposing...and I think that has something to do with my renewed self-confidence. More on that later...
Later that evening, I got the urge to go shopping. I asked another girl in class if she was interested in joining me, and off we went to conquer the challenges of the metro system and a long walk to find a different kind of "mall."
It was a challenging walk, but fun. I felt content with myself. I didn't question myself. I even talked to her about Spark and my 81 pounds lost since April. I was open and not shy. I was myself without making apologies or excuses. I felt in control of myself, even if I wasn't in control of all my surroundings, and it's amazing how that seems to eliminate a lot of the fear associated with traveling.
I was talking to RAVENSONG last night about my experiences here, and I told her that my self-confidence seems to have made me a "new" person in a way. I don't worry about what people will think, I worry only about what I want to do and where I want to go. If they want to be a part of that, that's awesome! I love sharing my experiences. On the other hand, if they chose to do their own thing, I no longer automatically attribute that to their dislike of me. I no longer jump to the childish, "They don't like me!" position. Instead, I recognize that their wants and desires do not have to be reflective of my own for us to share our lives or become friends.
On one hand, this is completely about me. I want to be myself without apologies, so I allow and understand when others want to do the same. But, in other ways, I think that this has helped to make me a better friend. I don't attribute negative feelings and associations to people without their approval. I'm more understanding, more forgiving that their life is not mine, and I don't take offense, meaning I'm more open to continuing a relationship instead of hurrying to end one in the fear that I will be injured as a result.
So, while I'm playing the parts set out for me, there's a big difference nowadays. I'm all of me in every part. I bring myself to every role I've set out to take on. And wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm fully engaged in being myself in that moment.
It's been a big learning experience...one I hadn't really expected.
Plan for the night:
Air & Space Museum
W3D2 of C25k
and whatever else I might have the feeling I want to do... I love the freedom of that statement!