Playing the Part

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

I've spent the past two days playing different roles. Student, yes. Professional, yes. But also the parts of tourist and fitness lover and explorer. It's not the I've split myself, but more that I've allowed myself to enjoy every part of myself while I'm here. Yesterday I spent my lunch walking around with a group of young New York lawyers, enjoying the part of me that is passionate about the system of which I'm a small part of. I engaged that part of me that believes in justice and doing what is right, the part of me that is interested in the world around me and the things that are cast on a larger level that affect me in some way. Today for lunch, I wanted my secret, quiet ME time, so I'm spending it here...with my blog and my lunch and the TV background noise.

Walking with young NY attorneys to visit the US Supreme Court building.

See me? I'm so cool! *lmao*

Surprisingly, it didn't seem imposing...and I think that has something to do with my renewed self-confidence. More on that later...

Later that evening, I got the urge to go shopping. I asked another girl in class if she was interested in joining me, and off we went to conquer the challenges of the metro system and a long walk to find a different kind of "mall."

It was a challenging walk, but fun. I felt content with myself. I didn't question myself. I even talked to her about Spark and my 81 pounds lost since April. I was open and not shy. I was myself without making apologies or excuses. I felt in control of myself, even if I wasn't in control of all my surroundings, and it's amazing how that seems to eliminate a lot of the fear associated with traveling.

I was talking to RAVENSONG last night about my experiences here, and I told her that my self-confidence seems to have made me a "new" person in a way. I don't worry about what people will think, I worry only about what I want to do and where I want to go. If they want to be a part of that, that's awesome! I love sharing my experiences. On the other hand, if they chose to do their own thing, I no longer automatically attribute that to their dislike of me. I no longer jump to the childish, "They don't like me!" position. Instead, I recognize that their wants and desires do not have to be reflective of my own for us to share our lives or become friends.

On one hand, this is completely about me. I want to be myself without apologies, so I allow and understand when others want to do the same. But, in other ways, I think that this has helped to make me a better friend. I don't attribute negative feelings and associations to people without their approval. I'm more understanding, more forgiving that their life is not mine, and I don't take offense, meaning I'm more open to continuing a relationship instead of hurrying to end one in the fear that I will be injured as a result.

So, while I'm playing the parts set out for me, there's a big difference nowadays. I'm all of me in every part. I bring myself to every role I've set out to take on. And wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm fully engaged in being myself in that moment.

It's been a big learning I hadn't really expected.

Plan for the night:
Air & Space Museum
W3D2 of C25k
and whatever else I might have the feeling I want to do... I love the freedom of that statement!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This is really incredible. I love opportunities to learn about ourselves. I think they happen more easily when we take ourselves out of our "normal" surroundings and we are more aware, more open. Kudos woman!
    3844 days ago
    Sounds like you're having boucoups (right spelling?) of fun! Isn't confidence great? It makes you feel like a new person.
    3844 days ago
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    Sometimes when I read your blogs I feel like we are walking this journey at exactly the same pace and having the same experience! No, I am not in Washington, but I know exactly what you were talking about with changing and learning to do more of what you want and not being upset/offended when others choose to do otherwise. Kudos to you! And for having such a great attitude about it! I have felt a little lost at times with those new feelings but am finding my way! Enjoy your trip and have a safe trip home.
    3845 days ago
    3845 days ago
  • MAGPIE17
    You look so happy!! You definitely should be you without apology, and I'm glad you're doing it! Hope you enjoyed the museam last night!
    3845 days ago
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    Loved reading about your confidence! Glad you're having a good time in D.C.
    3846 days ago
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    Sounds like you are having so much fun. And you sound strong...awesome! emoticon
    3846 days ago
    Have fun, ah, the joys of travelling for work it does have its perks. You have plenty of ME time.
    3846 days ago
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    you are awesome! I love to see your self confidence
    3846 days ago
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    I love, love, love the second picture. You must make it your profile picture. You look gorgeous.
    3846 days ago
    3846 days ago
    You are blossoming Esther, right before our eyes. W3D2, kill it!
    3846 days ago
  • _TRIXIE_
    Oh, E, I just LOVE reading this blog! You seem filled with a quiet confidence. I am just super proud of you and how far you've come. This blog really does speak for itself.

    Enjoy the Air and Space Museum tonight! I've always wanted to go!

    P.S. -- great job on the C25K program, too! :)
    3846 days ago
    I knew you would have an amazing time, and am glad to hear that you found someone to run around the city shopping. There is always safety in numbers.

    Good luck with C25K.

    Love your pictures too! Your smile is amazing!
    3846 days ago
    emoticon blog!

    My two favorite parts:
    1. "I want to be myself without apologies" [GOOD! You're too wonderful to be apologizing about any part of who you are! :)]
    2. "I'm all of me in every part. I bring myself to every role I've set out to take on. And wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm fully engaged in being myself in that moment." [That's an incredible life lesson, beautiful words to live by, and an amazing accomplishment.]

    Keep up the great work! Enjoy the rest of your time in DC!
    3846 days ago
    and is that by any chance the old Post Office building mall?
    or maybe Union Station?
    I miss DC! Throw your arms around it for me! emoticon
    3846 days ago
    I love this blog. And I love DC. I lived there for four months when I was doing an internship in college. It's such an amazing town because there is so much to see and do and they are all within walking distance of the metro. It's awesome. I'm so excited that you are already on week 3 of C25K already!
    3846 days ago
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