It's Been a While
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Since I've been on here, since I blogged, since I've really been exercising and watching my food intake. With that said, somehow I am still losing. Finally weighed this morning I am down to 257. I was quite pleasantly surprised to say the least. Considering that I have not exercised much in the last few weeks and my eating has been very erratic, I think this was a true gift. Grant it this was most likely not the most healthy weight loss either, but it didn't go on for long. At least I don't have to go back to pick up lost ground weight wise. That makes getting back with the program easier.
The last few weeks, particularly the Thanksgiving holiday were rough. I know I am getting detailed with this. If you are uncomfortable with death or reading about it skip this paragraph. On November 9th my ex husband passed away. He had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. His liver was just full of cancer and he was always filling up with fluid, and basically wasting away. Eariler that day his doctor told me and his family that there was no more they could do for him and he had 4-6 weeks, basically until sometime before or after Christmas. Deep in my heart I knew he didn't have long so this was no surprise to me. He wanted to fight with all he had. His doctor was going to allow one more chemo treatment, do a scan and tell him then. That afternoon he was released from the hospital. I talked to him and he was looking forward to being in his own bed and enjoying time with friends, playing his new video game. He was talking to his cousins that were driving him home about wrestling. Once he got to his sister's house (his home at the time) he fell on the porch, soon after lost consciousness breathing and pulse stopped shortly after. Once I saw him at the ER he was already gone. It is thought that a blood clot may have actually caused his death, not the cancer itself. His cousin was on the phone with me while all this was going on. I heard the revival efforts, them shocking him, the description of what he looked like when they took him out, all of it. The hospital didn't make any effort to pretty him up before he was presented to family. This all really had an effect on me. I was not sleeping well, having nightmares when I did, lots of flashbacks, unrelenting anxiety, melting down every time I heard an ambulance. This on top of the fact that I've lost someone that was a big part of my life, the father of my children. Our marriage did not work out but that don't matter at a time like this. I knew this was coming, but not that day and not that fast. It was probably the most merciful way for the Lord to take him considering what this cancer would have done for him. But it was hard for those he left behind. It's so hard to believe its so final, and that he's really gone. I am now seeing a therapist and getting EMDR treatments to help me through this.
I have fallen off track. While understandable, I can't let myself go back to my past habits. It will just increase the likelihood that the same will happen to me. I don't want to have to go through that can't have that now. There are 3 little boys that need their mother here, alive and healthy. It is so important now I do whatever I can in my power to make sure this happens, and to model healthy choices to my sons. I went back to the gym today. Just did some walking on the track and on the treadmill but its a start. There are a couple of 5Ks I want to walk. One is at the end of January. I have something to work towards and keep my butt going. A friend of mine from back in elementary school wants to take water aerobics classes with me. Again, some great incentive to keep me going. Now whats left is getting myself back to 3 regular meals and tracking everything I eat. Water, I am up to 4 cups a day now so its getting there. So there it is. Hope my next update comes in much shorter time.
Just adding that I've changed my username. I used the other one so it would be less likely my ex would see my page. I used my initials which spelled Pam but my name is actually Peggy and it was confusing some. It's still me, just with the name I usually use online :-)