Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Well, last night I went to the mall. I was feeling so good - I got wedding shoes (Crocs!)
I figured I would just get dinner there. One of the things I discussed with my therapist was "planned unplanning" which I really, really tried. I told myself I would find something at the mall and treat myself and it would be okay.
I went to the food court and ate a sandwich. Then later I got a frozen yogurt. Well after going to my fiance's house I felt a bit hungry (I smelled potato latkes in the air!) but it was the type of hunger I figured I could sleep through and I felt proud for not snacking before bed at 11:30.
I made another bad choice which was to go online to look up something and write something down, and that spiraled into much more time online and then eventually I got much more hungry.
So then I grabbed the bag of pretzels my parents brought me (I never keep that stuff around the house) and ate the rest of the bag.
As I was grabbing my laptop and dragging it into bed with me it was as if I was looking at myself from the outside and saying this is a bad idea. But I did it anyways.
It's easy to see right now how it wasn't just one bad choice, and in fact I didn't beat myself up along the way either, as I would have in the past. But several bad choices worked in tandem to make me binge.
It was SOOO hard to wake up this morning, and I had planned to go for a morning jog too!
I think part of the problem was a busy day, lots of thoughts and feelings and instead of journaling and shutting down the computer before bed like I thought to do, I instead replied to an e-mail from my dad instead of having the message wait until morning. I also didn't make good food choices for dinner.
Then I think I was also feeling nervous about waking up early to jog. I didn't want to.
Hopefully there were some lessons learned there.
I'm glad that I'm so in tune with myself that I know what is going on. I let myself get too tired and have too many expectations build up. It's too bad, because it was after a day that I really just had fun. But I guess that is difficult for me - to treat myself. That is ironically a stressful experience!
Well I'm going to speak about this with my therapist tomorrow to try to get some more clarity. On the one hand I can say that I tripped up because I ate food that I know sets me off, on the other hand, it seems to me that it was the emotions SURROUNDING the food that set me off and not being nice to myself by allowing myself to sleep.
I'm drinking lots of water today (Part of the problem last night was that I was thirsty too) and not letting some bad choices continue to plague me for the rest of the day or week.
So far it's noon and all I've had is 300g lowfat plain yogurt. I want to eat a salad for lunch and just get back on track with a workout after work and a balanced dinner before going to an engagement party this evening (no munching!)
Wish me luck!