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I Need To Become More Than Just Physically Healthy.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

I am working hard on being physically healthy. Now I want to, correction I need to work on being healthier in other areas of my life.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with my husband that I have been separated from since July 2009. He does not want to be with me but yet still he is always at my house and calling me when he needs help. He makes me feel like I am the worse person on the face of the earth. We have a daughter together and because of that I feel as if I will never be free of him. I want him out of my life for good. He has hurt me more than any other person has but he is always around.

My separation and being a single mom (again) of two kids has caused a tremendous strain on me mentally and emotionally. I know I am a tad depressed. People look at me and always comment that I look sad and never smile. That's because I have 3,423 things on my mind or trying to juggle. I am sad . I never wanted to be single again. Never. I don't need anyone to take care of me financially but I let having that other person to lean on. (Again something I didn't get in my marriage.)

Money and I have a very unhealthy relationship. I am very fortunate to be able to provide for myself and my kids but I am horrible at saving money. This adds more stress because as sole provider for my family if something happens, I am not prepared.

I love God with every fiber of my being. I have no doubts about my faith. But I am having a hard time reconciling how many in my congregation, especially my husband, have treated me. I have felt abandoned by the "shepards of the flock". I don't like discussing this much because it is not as cut and dry as some think. And I know some may say, "Just go worship somewhere else." But it sooo much more complex than that.

I have allowed another person to take away my self-esteem/self-confidence. After being degraded for so long, I started to believe some of the things that were being said to me. I don't wear make-up, nail polish, bright clothing, high heels or anything else that may have made me stand out or feel special. Because I was told almost on a daily basis for 7+ years that I wasn't special or beautiful. This is a very unhealthy attitude to have about myself.

Sorry for the almost rambling nature of this blog entry but it is almost 4a.m. and I have a lot on my mind and it is too late (early) to call anyone to talk. I know that brighter days are on the horizon for me!

Blogging has be a great outlet for me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2718 days ago
    We are here to support you so anytime you need to talk, you can always come to us.

    It seems that you have figured out the problem areas in your life and now you need to start working on the solutions. First of all, do not believe what you have been told about yourself. I can tell from your blog that you are a warm, capable, strong, wonderful, woman. Please remember to tell yourself that every day. Your husband does not understand what he has lost, but he has lost you. He no longer has the right to call on you for any issues other than those involving your daughter. It is time to stop letting him call the shots. Take care of yourself and your children. emoticon
    2728 days ago
    You need to give yourself permission to say your marriage is over and stand on your own two feet. Yes you will be tied to the man because of your daughter, but he still has a strong emotional control over you, even if he is not living in the same household. Time to cut the cord, file for divorce and end the control. A year and a half is no longer working on it, it's a sign it's over.

    Your mission should be to do something for yourself, be a great role model for your daughter. Show her how strong you are as a woman. Your child feel your sadness, so today, do a makeover on yourself. Pamper yourself. It's a long time overdue.
    2728 days ago
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