The distorted self-image

Saturday, December 04, 2010

I had my meeting at the eating disorder clinic. I had some anxiety before going there, because I had not done my home-work, I had not eaten my meals as I was supposed to. I was afraid to be thrown out for "misbehaving"and really hesitated if to confess or to lie and start over...

But since they weigh me I knew that there would be proof of my excessive eating during the last weeks and I would have to have an explanation so I decided to tell he truth (well, to be honest, not the WHOLE truth, but enough to explain...)

The last week I have relapsed in sick behaviour. Since I had eaten too much I wanted to compensate by not eating at all before the weigh-in. Started my days without breakfast, no lunch and at evening I crashed and ate... and as you all know it is not the smartest choices of food we make after starving... so I had chocolate and buns and gingerbread with french cheese...

I confessed this and we talked about eating regularly as the most important change NOT weight-loss. It will come once I establish sensible eating... The threat of being thrown out DOES dangle over my head, my therapist says that there is no use going there if it does not help me... but it DOES help me, after confessing these sick things and talking abut it I felt a lot better. And ironic enough I would have lied (and felt lousy) if we had weighed in as a first thing at the meeting... because I had lost 1,9 kilos since I was there the last time (three weeks ago)

This shows that I have no realistic self-image at all – in my mind I had eaten way too much and probably gained several kilos. In reality the thought of those booked meetings does prevent me from eating some times and it keep me trying even after a binge or bad choice.

I have a very distorted part of me that tells me that I am useless and a failure. I am also a cheat and does not contribute enough.

If I try to look at my actions and my consequences:
– I have lost weight every time since they started weighing me at the eating disorder clinic - I must have done SOMETHING right.
– my last edition of the economic supplement was printed yesterday and got a lot of praise – during the time I have made that I have also contributed to the daily newspaper with three articles a well plus short notes...
– our new manager comes to me to discuss things, she obviously values my opinions.
– my daughter seems very happy to visit me and stays calm and positive while she is here.
– I had a continuous flow of friends coming by on my birthday, I think they like me for being me.
– and the birds outside are very happy that I exist and feed them during these unusually cold days...:-)

If I look at fact I am probably a much nicer, productive, and successful person than my mind says. I have to start acting as if, the therapist agreed that that might be a way to change. But trusting my own judgement is no good because there is a depressed hag inside telling me that I am no good and messing all the good things up...

I am not a project to be fixed, I am me and good enough and I have to act as if this is the truth... whatever my sick mind tells me!

Thanks for reading!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILLYHP1953
    I'm glad you shared...and you CAN change your thoughts.
    3637 days ago
    Yes, focus on what you have done right. November was not a good month between family funerals and celebrations (my birthday and Thanksgiving- who doesn't overdo it on those?) yet I managed to lose a few pounds in that time. It was as Jocalat says small steps. Good Luck!
    3645 days ago
    It's great that you realize that your self image differs from reality. That's been something I've had to deal with before, too. Just remember that you are not your thoughts! I wish you the best of luck! emoticon
    3645 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/4/2010 3:23:56 PM
    small steps...that's what it takes. You know where you need to work on...pick on e small thing and see if you can do it for a week, like eating a healthy breakfast and log it on your food tracker, then next week add a healthy snack and so on...its takes many small steps to get to the goal and there are many bumps, hills and mountains to overcome on our are on your way!!
    3645 days ago
    Oh amen, you are on the right track emoticon
    3645 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/4/2010 1:12:44 PM
    It sounds to me that you are indeed making a lot of progress!! Many positives came out in your blog!! You don't need to convince us of your is apparent to all of us.I guess maybe you only need to learn to believe in yourself as we all probably need to do!! Great Blog!! Thanks for Sharing!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3646 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/4/2010 9:36:40 AM
    Thank you for sharing this thought provoking blog, that rings true for many of us. I wonder though, what experiences built up and created your self doubt and damaged perspective. Do those pasts need exorcising, so that you can leave their influence entirely behind?

    I know I always feel lazy and unproductive, but burn myself into the ground trying to constantly do more and to prove myself to ... me.

    Your productivity always sings out from your blogs, 'Meddy' (as does your self doubt). Perhaps we should remember we are not superhuman and as humans we make errors, but we are characterful and engaging and vibrant and viable and valued and worthy (mostly) and we most certainly contribute and make a positive difference to our world.

    For what it's worth - YOU always inspire me.

    3646 days ago
    "I am not a project to be fixed, I am me and good enough and I have to act as if this is the truth... whatever my sick mind tells me! "
    Surprise a/m reveals your "sick" mind is not sick anymore but
    GETTING WELL!!! Woohoo!!!
    Here's to one more beautiful, healthy lady!

    3646 days ago
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