A Different Kind of Change

Monday, November 29, 2010

I hate to say anything in fear for jinxing what may happen...but I feel a wave of change coming over my life. Of course the weight loss has a lot to do with it, but it's more than that. I've changed. Things have changed, or could be changing. The world feels a little different to me lately. A good different. And instead of dreading the fall, I'm breathing in the fresh air and vowing to enjoy every blessed minute of it.

For some of us, most of us, good times come in like tidal waves. Big, and full, and dumping blessings upon us, but completely unexpected, and over in a flash as we try to reconcile ourselves with what's been left behind and try not to feel afraid for what's to come once the water clears. I'm feeling a wave like that coming over me, coming over my loved ones...and I doubt that I would be this intune to what is happening if not for my journey of self-discovery and self-love.

There are job possibilities afloat. One I thought had died, has been revived. I will know for sure next week what will come of it, but being allowed to hold fast to hope one more week has been like a breath of fresh air. Another possibility is not for me, but for my husband. He, too, seems different, and this opportunity looks good. There's no telling what will happen with it, but I'm just trying to be thankful for this hopeful feeling in my heart and mind.

On Thanksgiving Day, Hubs and I had a blow-up of a fight. It was loud and crazy and completely unnecessary, mostly stemming from the stress built up in me over the challenges of the day ahead. I soon apologized and we were good once again. And then, later, we spent three blessed hours alone together shopping. He was attentive. He wanted me to have not only what I needed, but what I wanted. It was a different kind of feeling for both of us. Reckless, to some extent, while still being responsible. We didn't nickle and dime ourselves, but we didn't blow our savings either.

Yesterday I spent my rest day working on the house, like I said I would. The most surprising part of that is that I did what I said I wanted to do. And I mentioned it to my mom later. I cleared out 4 boxes, even though I wanted to stop after 2 (throwing things away can be difficult for me, but it wasn't so much this time). After that was done, I cleared out a basket from another part of the living room and really got down and cleaned and swept the entire floor. Afterwards, I took Ethan out with me to pick up a few items at Wal-Mart. What started as a "let's look at Christmas stuff" and "I need a smaller wallet for D.C." turned into a bit of a spree on some much needed decorations. Why much needed? Because this year, unlike years past, I'm not clinging to the idea of the Christmas spirit to get me through, I actually feel it. I feel the chill in the air and it makes me smile. I put up a tree and it makes me want to hug my kids tight. I couldn't care less about presents right now (except my shopping list is still full and I'm nowhere near done on that), it's about the season, the feeling, the way people seem a little merrier, even if by accident sometimes.

And I felt merrier yesterday too, so I went to the grocery store and did the shopping for the week. I was good, got only what we needed, cut back where need be, and indulged where I could. And, as silly as it may sound to be proud of going to 2 stores in one day, I have to explain that 80 pounds ago that was nearly impossible. I would have been exhausted, too tired, lazy. I would dread having to put things away when I got home and having to cook, and I just would refuse to go. But yesterday I went, and shopped responsibly, and came home and put things away, and set up a tree, and started dinner, and finished it later, and cleaned a little more, and started addressing Christmas cards. I was a machine that wouldn't quit...and it felt so different from me, a version of me I always wanted to be but was held back from by the strain of the weight I was holding onto. It felt good to buy things for my family and myself as a reward for the new life we had been cultivating for ourselves.

One thing I didn't buy for myself was a $15 tree skirt. It was beautiful, and I wanted it, but I had to say no somewhere. I put it back and figured I'd talk it over with Hubs later. But later, Hubs took Ethan with him, and picked up the tree skirt I wanted and paid for it himself. It wasn't about need. No, we didn't need a silly tree skirt, it was something he wanted to do for me. And the reason he went to Wal-Mart at all was for tape, in order to wrap my present, so he could proudly place it under the tree. A gift for me.

And do you know what? Of all of this, do you know what means the most? Him. His attitude toward me. He showed up at my work today after his interview. I had hoped he would, but doubted it. He doesn't know the area well. And as I had just given up hope of him arriving and surprising me, I settled back in my chair and got a ring from the front desk to tell me he was out front waiting for me.

I just had to share today that while my world is changing around me, and while I think some of that may actually be to my eyes changing to the things already there, I have come to realize and understand and be thankful for the blessing that is this new change in our lives. We are different people, my husband and I. We are nicer to each other and to ourselves. The moment he realized I was serious and this wasn't just another attempt. The moment he saw me doing more than he's ever seen me do. The moment he realized I was taking care of myself, he jumped into this place of peace. Actually, we jumped in together.

It's not really a change I can describe fully. There's no date to mark on the calendar for this change in us. There are just these feelings and the moments when I look at him and want to cry because we have become the people I always hoped we would be - two partners, equal in every way, after the same goals and dreams, fighting the world together, and holding tight to one another in an understanding that one part is whole without the other, but that the other makes each of us more complete.

So today has not been spent worrying over calorie counts and fitness minutes, because right now I have a firm grasp. (Although I'm a little stressed over some trouble in my knee, but I've learned that continuing as normal has helped it to heal faster. Still, I worry.) No, today has been about this glow I feel inside. My life has changed. 80 pounds ago I was a different person altogether and, yet, the same. It's not that I deserve more now, but that I demand it. It's not that it's easier work being me now, but I'm willing to work harder to get it. When all else fails, I will remember that not only have I been changing physically, but mentally and emotionally and, yes, even spiritually as well. I don't know why or how it happened, but I have a feeling it's all connected - or, at least, it should be. And I'm glad to be feeling that change now.

Suddenly, my goals don't seem so out of reach.
* Under 330 by Christmas. (26 days and 6 pounds to go!)
* 326 or less by 1/11/11. (43 days and 9 pounds to go!)
* 100 pounds lost with SP by Valentine's Day. (76 days and 20 pounds to go!)
* Under 300 by Shane's 31st birthday. (5 months and 36 pounds to go!)

And further off?
270 by July 2011?
250 by September?
230 by December 4, 2011? (My PT's set goal weight..and a weight that made Hubs almost downright giddy to hear the possibility of! *lol*)

It can happen. If I keep working hard on loving myself and doing what needs to be done without falling victim to my own excuses. The belief in CAN is another change. I can. It can happen. We can do this. It CAN be done.

What has changed within you? For just today, please love yourself and remember that the mental part of this journey is more important than any time you might spend on a treadmill or elliptical. It's one of those big keys to life, so it goes beyond numbers on a scale. Learn to love yourself a little today, just a little...and maybe tomorrow, you'll love yourself a little more.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MAGPIE17
    I'm glad to see you so happy, Esther! I hope you're communicating these awesome feelings with your family; it sounds like your relationship with your husband is flourishing as you change, which is wonderful! :D
    3849 days ago
    Beautiful blog today my friend! I really appreciate you taking the time to write what your journey means to you and sharing it because it's true we lose that whole factor when constantly thinking about fitness minutes and calories all day and for that I thank you again for making me realize it and to really take a part in my day today to sit and think about the wonderful things happening all around us and it might be because of the season, or others, or maybe I do have an impact on it as well. Have a wonderful day! emoticon
    3850 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    "...falling victim to my own excuses".

    Thank you for that phrase. It actually got me up and away from the computer to do a 2 mile walk. And you're right, peace and happiness come from within. Loved this blog.
    3850 days ago
  • JLITT62
    You have hit the nail on the head. In the end, it's really all about loving ourselves. If we don't, no changes we make will ever stick. And when we love ourselves, we can truly love the ones in our lives, too.

    Great blog!
    3850 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    This deserves a double high five!
    Well done - it's amazing how great life can be when you look at it through different perspective

    Great big Hugs
    3850 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7428910
    Oh wow, you always write well but this one brings tears to my eyes. Bask in your happy glow ~ you deserve it!
    3850 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    I don't even know what to say but this blog is just amazing (but you are always an awesome blogger I think). Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was here reading. I know what you mean about the changes in life that take place along with this health change. Things seem easier I think. I'm so glad you are doing so well in all areas of your life! You have a wonderful family and a wonderful life and deserve to enjoy every moment!
    3850 days ago
    This blog made me smile...a lot! How sweet!!!
    3850 days ago
    I really loved reading your post - thanks!!

    3850 days ago
    Congratulations. I understand how Hubs wanting you to have that tree skirt means so much more than having the tree skirt. I am glad he figured that out! What a great change that is manifesting in the tones of your posts lately. It gives me a front-row seat to the change you describe. I am so happy for you and so proud of you.
    3850 days ago
    I agree with Briael... when you change, the world around you changes.
    3850 days ago
    amazing blog :)i am so happy you are feeling this glow inside :) you can easily reach all your goals. youve come so far && you can do this :)
    3850 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Love love love this blog! Love your honesty, and love that things are changing for the better. It's all good!
    3850 days ago
    way to go girl, yes, life is treating you right because you are treating yourself right! I have to say, I am amazed when things don't go my way. How's that for weird? if life isn't going my way my first instinct is to see what I am doing to make it not feel right. Sounds like you are figuring that out. I am almost 50 and had to learn the hard way. Congrads for taking a look at life through the glasses of self. You will find out life is preety darn good! Oh, a pd a wk is a good goal to try and achieve. anything more than that is major work!
    3850 days ago
    Amazing post! It makes me so happy to see that you are embracing impending change and not running from in fear. I think what's changed for me the most lately is my attitude toward food. I don't fear it, I don't obsess over it, and it's not my enemy.

    3850 days ago
    Did it ever occur to you that YOU are the change that has spurred all the differences around you? Your attitude, your approach, your state of mind is so radically different that it's infectious. Seeing what you have achieved has probably kicked everyone around you into a new gear and made them reassess what matters to them .. as much as you have realised what is important to you.

    I'm so pleased that your life is coming together and you're happy and open to the changes you're creating. Awesome! :)
    3850 days ago
    The most worth-while blog I've read all year. Thank you for sharing your progress and feelings in such exquisit detail. May your days be merry and bright. emoticon
    3850 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8301081
    Your positive energy is like a wild fire reigniting my own flame. Thanks for much for sharing your joy and hope. You make me feel like it can be done.
    3851 days ago
    Oh, Esther, you are making me cry here! emoticon But it's a happy kind of cry. How did you get to be so wise, so early in your life? I am so glad for you and for Hubs. Just knowing about your being happy makes me very happy too! I have never had that in a relationship and have stopped looking for it, but if it ever finds me unawares, I will certainly grab it with both hands and attempt to cherish it without crushing the life out of it! As you both are doing. God bless you both and keep that holiday spirit coming! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3851 days ago
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