A Different Kind of Change
Monday, November 29, 2010
I hate to say anything in fear for jinxing what may happen...but I feel a wave of change coming over my life. Of course the weight loss has a lot to do with it, but it's more than that. I've changed. Things have changed, or could be changing. The world feels a little different to me lately. A good different. And instead of dreading the fall, I'm breathing in the fresh air and vowing to enjoy every blessed minute of it.
For some of us, most of us, good times come in like tidal waves. Big, and full, and dumping blessings upon us, but completely unexpected, and over in a flash as we try to reconcile ourselves with what's been left behind and try not to feel afraid for what's to come once the water clears. I'm feeling a wave like that coming over me, coming over my loved ones...and I doubt that I would be this intune to what is happening if not for my journey of self-discovery and self-love.
There are job possibilities afloat. One I thought had died, has been revived. I will know for sure next week what will come of it, but being allowed to hold fast to hope one more week has been like a breath of fresh air. Another possibility is not for me, but for my husband. He, too, seems different, and this opportunity looks good. There's no telling what will happen with it, but I'm just trying to be thankful for this hopeful feeling in my heart and mind.
On Thanksgiving Day, Hubs and I had a blow-up of a fight. It was loud and crazy and completely unnecessary, mostly stemming from the stress built up in me over the challenges of the day ahead. I soon apologized and we were good once again. And then, later, we spent three blessed hours alone together shopping. He was attentive. He wanted me to have not only what I needed, but what I wanted. It was a different kind of feeling for both of us. Reckless, to some extent, while still being responsible. We didn't nickle and dime ourselves, but we didn't blow our savings either.
Yesterday I spent my rest day working on the house, like I said I would. The most surprising part of that is that I did what I said I wanted to do. And I mentioned it to my mom later. I cleared out 4 boxes, even though I wanted to stop after 2 (throwing things away can be difficult for me, but it wasn't so much this time). After that was done, I cleared out a basket from another part of the living room and really got down and cleaned and swept the entire floor. Afterwards, I took Ethan out with me to pick up a few items at Wal-Mart. What started as a "let's look at Christmas stuff" and "I need a smaller wallet for D.C." turned into a bit of a spree on some much needed decorations. Why much needed? Because this year, unlike years past, I'm not clinging to the idea of the Christmas spirit to get me through, I actually feel it. I feel the chill in the air and it makes me smile. I put up a tree and it makes me want to hug my kids tight. I couldn't care less about presents right now (except my shopping list is still full and I'm nowhere near done on that), it's about the season, the feeling, the way people seem a little merrier, even if by accident sometimes.
And I felt merrier yesterday too, so I went to the grocery store and did the shopping for the week. I was good, got only what we needed, cut back where need be, and indulged where I could. And, as silly as it may sound to be proud of going to 2 stores in one day, I have to explain that 80 pounds ago that was nearly impossible. I would have been exhausted, too tired, lazy. I would dread having to put things away when I got home and having to cook, and I just would refuse to go. But yesterday I went, and shopped responsibly, and came home and put things away, and set up a tree, and started dinner, and finished it later, and cleaned a little more, and started addressing Christmas cards. I was a machine that wouldn't quit...and it felt so different from me, a version of me I always wanted to be but was held back from by the strain of the weight I was holding onto. It felt good to buy things for my family and myself as a reward for the new life we had been cultivating for ourselves.
One thing I didn't buy for myself was a $15 tree skirt. It was beautiful, and I wanted it, but I had to say no somewhere. I put it back and figured I'd talk it over with Hubs later. But later, Hubs took Ethan with him, and picked up the tree skirt I wanted and paid for it himself. It wasn't about need. No, we didn't need a silly tree skirt, it was something he wanted to do for me. And the reason he went to Wal-Mart at all was for tape, in order to wrap my present, so he could proudly place it under the tree. A gift for me.
And do you know what? Of all of this, do you know what means the most? Him. His attitude toward me. He showed up at my work today after his interview. I had hoped he would, but doubted it. He doesn't know the area well. And as I had just given up hope of him arriving and surprising me, I settled back in my chair and got a ring from the front desk to tell me he was out front waiting for me.
I just had to share today that while my world is changing around me, and while I think some of that may actually be to my eyes changing to the things already there, I have come to realize and understand and be thankful for the blessing that is this new change in our lives. We are different people, my husband and I. We are nicer to each other and to ourselves. The moment he realized I was serious and this wasn't just another attempt. The moment he saw me doing more than he's ever seen me do. The moment he realized I was taking care of myself, he jumped into this place of peace. Actually, we jumped in together.
It's not really a change I can describe fully. There's no date to mark on the calendar for this change in us. There are just these feelings and the moments when I look at him and want to cry because we have become the people I always hoped we would be - two partners, equal in every way, after the same goals and dreams, fighting the world together, and holding tight to one another in an understanding that one part is whole without the other, but that the other makes each of us more complete.
So today has not been spent worrying over calorie counts and fitness minutes, because right now I have a firm grasp. (Although I'm a little stressed over some trouble in my knee, but I've learned that continuing as normal has helped it to heal faster. Still, I worry.) No, today has been about this glow I feel inside. My life has changed. 80 pounds ago I was a different person altogether and, yet, the same. It's not that I deserve more now, but that I demand it. It's not that it's easier work being me now, but I'm willing to work harder to get it. When all else fails, I will remember that not only have I been changing physically, but mentally and emotionally and, yes, even spiritually as well. I don't know why or how it happened, but I have a feeling it's all connected - or, at least, it should be. And I'm glad to be feeling that change now.
Suddenly, my goals don't seem so out of reach.
* Under 330 by Christmas. (26 days and 6 pounds to go!)
* 326 or less by 1/11/11. (43 days and 9 pounds to go!)
* 100 pounds lost with SP by Valentine's Day. (76 days and 20 pounds to go!)
* Under 300 by Shane's 31st birthday. (5 months and 36 pounds to go!)
And further off?
270 by July 2011?
250 by September?
230 by December 4, 2011? (My PT's set goal weight..and a weight that made Hubs almost downright giddy to hear the possibility of! *lol*)
It can happen. If I keep working hard on loving myself and doing what needs to be done without falling victim to my own excuses. The belief in CAN is another change. I can. It can happen. We can do this. It CAN be done.
What has changed within you? For just today, please love yourself and remember that the mental part of this journey is more important than any time you might spend on a treadmill or elliptical. It's one of those big keys to life, so it goes beyond numbers on a scale. Learn to love yourself a little today, just a little...and maybe tomorrow, you'll love yourself a little more.