Thursday, November 18, 2010
I was drowning....bobbing up and down, catching my breath in between holding my breath. Lots of stress was drowning me. At least now I'm remembering to breath. Through the stress I've been fairly reasonable in my eating. I did some emotional eating, but fairly minor amounts, nothing like the old days before Sparkpeople. This has been some of the toughest stress of my life. It's been a long few years. I keep thinking things will slow down and life will give me some breathing room to coast. It doesn't seem to be working out that way. I hover around 200, 5 pounds either side of it. After reinjuring my foot and basically losing most of my mobility since April, exercise has been a huge challenge. If I'd have eaten like I used to I'd have been up to 250 by now. So I guess I should be thankful for the progress and well established healthier eating patterns. Now I have good days and bad. On a bad day I can barely walk across my house, on a good day I could do about 4 blocks. But I can still walk. I'm getting better, I've learned reinjury can take as long as or longer than original injury to heal. I've learned that when you add life crisis to injury your healing is compromised. I've learned I must remain committed to believing in basic good in people, even people who do very wrong things, otherwise a darkness can engulf your soul. I like light. It's a challenge to believe in 'there's a good reason for everything' when some things that happen seem so wrong. So, I'm treading water. I eat my fruits and veggies and whole grains, but still not quite enough some days, I try to keep portions reasonable, only occasionally slipping. I tread water. I'm very efficient at calorie usage...I could probably live well on almost nothing. If I could really work out...watch out. I'm breathing - that took some doing. I'm still here. I'm beginning to smile. I used to laugh every day, I want to get to that. Searching for as much light as I can find. This is a good place, lots of good intentioned folks. Treading water, I can see land, the seed of hope is sprouting. I must work to nurture it.