I read this today and was very impressed, hope you all enjoy it.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Definitions only parents understand
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to
eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she
spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to make love again.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade
1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all
except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom’s reasons for having kids do things which can’t
be explained logically.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean
mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom
always winds up going the farthest with the biggest bunch of kids
who have had the most sugar.
CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who
love leftover vegetables.
1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom’s other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after
the kids eat dinner.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home
into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
EAR: A place where kids store dirt
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply
of until asked to do something.
“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly
used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic organ which, according to Mom,
can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a
carelessly-handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t
appreciate the strained carrots.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
“What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM.”
1. A type of food.
2. How Hell will be the day Mom lets her daughter date an older
guy with a motorcycle.
FULL NAME: What Mom calls her child when she’s mad at him.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which
Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds
up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by,
but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with
volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior
to consumption of the evening meal.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of
Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic
tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of
putting them back in the freezer empty.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids
once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them
ready to go outside.
“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
JEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
about any occasion, including church and funerals.
“JEEEEEEEEZ!”: Slang for “Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else
you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?”
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the
dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the
seasoning just right.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom
buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a
table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to
six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
LIE: An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-
mâché’ volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment
and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS: See “KIDS’ FRIENDS”
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom
look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants
1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2. Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can
never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve
army men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for
kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen
toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables
or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will
have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will
refuse to play in front of company.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing new shoes into it.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys
she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum
wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery
list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the
birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has
left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry
and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a
locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
“the geeky thing.”
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility
bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from
watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactment of famous
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely
zipped and snapped perform two important functions: Protecting
children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one
of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15
minutes with Grandma.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward
away colds and even pneumonia.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made
of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person
who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
“THAT WAY”: How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s
good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS.”
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure
to be in.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and
she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times
Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which
ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH.”
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all,
only to find it there, too.
VERBAL: When a toddler is able to whine in words.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow
up to be “Just like Daddy.”
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads
“WHEN YOU FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement
of time between crime and punishment.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts
to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing
constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS.”
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans
to sell kids’ outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last
minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.
“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school
year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”
ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket
already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.