Monday, November 15, 2010
So I was having a great day today and I sort of had a meltdown...thanks to my DH....and my mom...but the DH was the final straw.
I had gone shopping with my Mom today. (Background: she's overweight and has been as long as I can remember and has basically given up on herself.) I tried to talk to her about how I am not happy with myself and how it's so hard to find clothes that fit anymore and how uncomfortable I am in this body that I have let myself acquire. SHE DIDN'T GET IT. And I guess considering her attitude towards herself, maybe it's expecting too much to hope that she would. She said she didn't know what I wanted her to say (which was nothing...just listen Mom!)
One of my fears Is that I will end up like her. I feel HORRIBLE saying that (and I have NEVER told her that) because she is a WONDERFUL, giving, and loving human being. But I just don't ever want to just throw in the towel or be unhealthy. I am upset that she takes care of everyone BUT herself and no amount of talking to her or showing how emotional I am about it will get her to be healthier. I believe I wrote a blog about it before and as everyone said, SHE has to want it, not me. But I really feel like maybe she's part of my problem. I grew up in a house where you had to clean your plate and where food is love (and it still is that way when I go there.) I am NOT saying I can't change, but when I go to my parents' house for Sunday dinner, desserts and treats abound and no one is in support of me trying to make healthy choices. It makes me sad :(
OK so I am getting off track...now on to the DH. I had said to him at dinner that I really need his help and support because I have spent the past 5 years (that's prob how long it's been since I was comfortable with myself) listening to the "you look fine the way you are", "you're too hard on yourself", "a brownie won't kill you" comments from friends and family. When faced with a choice I would always here those voices, instead of the voice in my head telling me how unhappy I am. Maybe I've finally reached that point of saying ENOUGH...and honestly I hope I have!! He said that he has tried to help me before and he doesn't know what I want from him. I explained to him that it's helpful that if he notices I skip dessert or make healthy choices or have a great week of work outs that he gives me some positive reinforcement. He claims that "this will do nothing for me because when I am faced will dessert I will always choose dessert". He said he is tired of trying to help me make the right choices if I don't listen. So I said, "what you're just gonna give up on me, after I am asking for help and I HATE asking for help?!" He said he's not giving up on me, that I am giving up on me (or have in the past.) It's just so hurtful that someone who is my partner would just not want to help. I understand he is frustrated bc I have gotten off track before, but I am his WIFE. I am not just Joe Shmoe. I have made mistakes and now I am asking for help to correct them.
So what I am getting at is that my family doesn't help, most of my friends don't "get it", and now my DH is leaving me hanging. So all I have is SP and a select few friends that "get what I am going through." So thank you so much for your support!