Monday, November 15, 2010

So I was having a great day today and I sort of had a meltdown...thanks to my DH....and my mom...but the DH was the final straw.

I had gone shopping with my Mom today. (Background: she's overweight and has been as long as I can remember and has basically given up on herself.) I tried to talk to her about how I am not happy with myself and how it's so hard to find clothes that fit anymore and how uncomfortable I am in this body that I have let myself acquire. SHE DIDN'T GET IT. And I guess considering her attitude towards herself, maybe it's expecting too much to hope that she would. She said she didn't know what I wanted her to say (which was nothing...just listen Mom!)

One of my fears Is that I will end up like her. I feel HORRIBLE saying that (and I have NEVER told her that) because she is a WONDERFUL, giving, and loving human being. But I just don't ever want to just throw in the towel or be unhealthy. I am upset that she takes care of everyone BUT herself and no amount of talking to her or showing how emotional I am about it will get her to be healthier. I believe I wrote a blog about it before and as everyone said, SHE has to want it, not me. But I really feel like maybe she's part of my problem. I grew up in a house where you had to clean your plate and where food is love (and it still is that way when I go there.) I am NOT saying I can't change, but when I go to my parents' house for Sunday dinner, desserts and treats abound and no one is in support of me trying to make healthy choices. It makes me sad :(

OK so I am getting off on to the DH. I had said to him at dinner that I really need his help and support because I have spent the past 5 years (that's prob how long it's been since I was comfortable with myself) listening to the "you look fine the way you are", "you're too hard on yourself", "a brownie won't kill you" comments from friends and family. When faced with a choice I would always here those voices, instead of the voice in my head telling me how unhappy I am. Maybe I've finally reached that point of saying ENOUGH...and honestly I hope I have!! He said that he has tried to help me before and he doesn't know what I want from him. I explained to him that it's helpful that if he notices I skip dessert or make healthy choices or have a great week of work outs that he gives me some positive reinforcement. He claims that "this will do nothing for me because when I am faced will dessert I will always choose dessert". He said he is tired of trying to help me make the right choices if I don't listen. So I said, "what you're just gonna give up on me, after I am asking for help and I HATE asking for help?!" He said he's not giving up on me, that I am giving up on me (or have in the past.) It's just so hurtful that someone who is my partner would just not want to help. I understand he is frustrated bc I have gotten off track before, but I am his WIFE. I am not just Joe Shmoe. I have made mistakes and now I am asking for help to correct them.

So what I am getting at is that my family doesn't help, most of my friends don't "get it", and now my DH is leaving me hanging. So all I have is SP and a select few friends that "get what I am going through." So thank you so much for your support!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Not to sound mean here, but you may want to focus on YOU -- not what other people are doing or not doing to "help" or "support" you. We each have our own journey in life, and that includes our parents and even our DHs.

    If I had a magic wand, I'd "help" my mom and DH be much healthier (and much more helpful). However, part of MY journey is knowing when I need to hush up and let other people manage their own health (even when I wish they'd do better) -- and concentrate on myself. It's REALLY hard ... and it doesn't mean that I don't care about them ...
    2926 days ago
    Only YOU can make this happen and you will always be faced with adversity it is what you do with that.

    Your DH may fill other areas in your life, give him credit. Men are much different then women and they don't get the loving side we sometimes crave. *(this is where God comes in)

    But you have to do this for YOU. Once you achieve this change, maybe your family will join in and all get healthy with you as they see how happy you are.

    Remember this 11/16/2010:

    Others will NEVER lift you up,(not talking sparks MOTIVATION here)if you are up they will bring you down to their level. You must find others that are HIGHER THEN YOU, to reach your goal.

    Always reach UP, this may mean leaving less contact with some family/friends to do so.

    Find others that are where you want to be, be a student and learn, set goals, and become like them. Once you "out grow" them, find another that is where you want to be.

    It's like the law of gravity, it never changes.

    You can do it and you will do it, because I believe from this blog you are ready and willing.

    2926 days ago
    I am a 56 year old woman married 33 years and have been overweight everyone of those years. I've always judged myself harshly and only a few times held myself accountable. I've lost 80 lbs in the last 2 or so years, with 50 of those lbs gone since May 1 of this year. I have 78 lbs more to lose, and I know it won't happen if I expect "help" from anyone other than myself. Support is essential, but it's not "real" if it's not from the heart. My husband, while certainly not happy that I've been overweight all of those years, loved me despite it. There were many times that I didn't believe it, but if it's not obvious after all these years together, that is my issue, not his. I have heard him say more than once, "You have been this size our entire married life. I'll believe it when I see it." That stung, but it was the cold hard truth. He knows how miserable I am when the weight piles on, and he also knows how hard it is to change. Of course he cared how I felt, but he also knew that *he* couldn't do anything about my wishes for my own health. ONLY I can take the necessary action and put myself in a different place.

    With this last effort he gently listened but I'm never sure if he took me seriously. But he cooked healthy foods, especially when I demanded it, and went along with not buying ice cream or cookies for ME. This is what I call support. As the pounds came off he was also sensitive about my need to talk about it. But it hasn't been until recently that he is fully endorsing this, because he sees that I am sticking to it and creating healthy huge changes. Now he is cuddling up to me and calling me "skinny", even when I am far from it, and I see signs of pure pride and happiness for ME. Not for him, he loves me regardless, but he doesn't mind having a more active wife who is taking pride in her appearance.

    It's hard to explain. Over the years my husband has tried to give me the "support" I asked for, but he never really "got it" on how to deliver it. If I wanted a piece of chocolate cake, I certainly resented it when he tried to stop me, especially if he was allowing himself a slice. Now I swear I could sit in the same room with him shoveling in cake and it wouldn't phase me a bit. Because I'm the only person who has control of what I put in my mouth!

    It's all you, darlin. I'm not saying that you should accept sabotage, but this journey is all on you, and it doesn't really matter how it happened or the why's of it. Yes it helps to face your demons and overcome the emotional hurdles, but sometimes it's just about "doing it", no matter how hard it is. Even when you know your "issues", they still exist and don't go away because you know about them.

    In the meantime, try not to blame Mom or get mad at your husband because he can't offer you support, or the kind you think you want right now. Take the necessary action to love yourself in the way you need to love yourself. Everything will change because of it, but you have to be ready to accept that this will take over your life in ways that you can't and won't always want to expect. The price of action is colossal! Embrace your spirit and know that you deserve to love yourself. Once you can give yourself that, you will learn what it means to accept it as well.

    emoticon Cat
    2926 days ago
    I totally know the feeling. I have a few friends here and there but I have a feeling everyone thinks I'm crazy with food and all my issues I have. It sucks that America is like this, your normal if you want to eat unhealthy but people call you freaks because you care what is going inside your body. It's my battle too everyday, it's hard and somedays I'm strong somedays weak but in the end we do our best. Stay positive and keep moving foward. Do what's best for you and remember your sparkfriends are here for you! emoticon
    2926 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/16/2010 9:29:06 AM
  • GFMAMA888
    Thanks guys! I needed this! Carolyn you made me tear up a a good way ;)
    2926 days ago
  • CAROLYN1213
    Sweety, you and you alone are enough to make this a success, if you want it. Your want it has to be strong enough to overcome what others say or do. Don't give them the power to make choices for you. You decide what is in your best interest and refuse to take anything less. I failed so many times it isn't even funny. My husband gave up on trying for me or for himself. I gave up on me on so many levels. Until I realized that if I didn't make healthy choices for me, how in the world did I expect others to make healthy choices for me. Don't be too hard on your husband. The guys who are brave enough to try to love and support an emotional eater, are just doomed . . . they never seem to be able to say or do the right thing and we use it as an excuse to fail. We sabotage ourselves and then blame them for it.

    Be the adult in your life. Be the mom you wish your mom was. Be the man you wish your husband was. Be the friend you wish you had (to yourself). Look in the mirror every morning and "Dang, you are worth it!"
    2926 days ago
    I understand how you feel, but you have to do this for you. My husband use to tell me that I look good and not to worry about it, but I didn't feel good and I did worry. I decided to change, and believe me, it's not easy, but I am worth this, and so are you. My husband is coming around slowly, and so will yours, but you still have to focus on what you want, and go for it. I know you can do it. Re emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2927 days ago
    What you have is YOU!!!! Yes, you have us here and your select friends, but don't forget your most important cheering fan, you! You know you can do it. If you mom and DH don't want to tell you what you need to here, then that is their problem. I believe that you can do it. Just stick to what you know and do it. You will succeed!!!!!
    2927 days ago
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