Monday, November 08, 2010
Wish I could say it was with this plateau or with losing weight. But no, nothing that good will come out of this blog. This is a dark depressing blog, if you want motivation, I'm not your girl.
I spoke with my mother Saturday. My mother is toxic to my life. I haven't talked to her since mother's day this year. Okay, haven't talked or communicated. My mother expected perfection out of me. Hence my self esteem issues, my self loathing, my disgust and my fear of failure and success. She's a racist and a narcissist. She forgets constantly her son in law is Hispanic. I'm going to hell because the end is coming and I don't belong to a church that teaches prophecy. Excuse me? I don't remember reading that in the Bible and although I didn't get it all I have read the Bible in its entirety. Well she didn't exactly tell me I was going to hell, but I need to get in a church because things were happening. WTH I don't care what's going on in Turkey and I don't care that it's the end of times, I'm good with God. He wants to slap me around I'm sure because I'm not perfect, but unless I missed something there's only been one perfect human. and he had a slight edge... being the son of God and all. Anyway, I'm the daughter of a narcissist who does not perform to her mother's demands. Hence the lack of communication. Which is sad, because I have her only grandchildren and she has missed out on almost ALL of their lives. Anyway, back to the not perfect enough. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough and smart enough (I made 4.0 GPA from 6th through 12th grade). Between her and my grandmother, my weight was a constant topic, although looking back at pictures, I never was overweight. I would gain the same ten every winter and lose it every summer when softball started. Oh yeah, was never good enough at that either. Geez, where would a fear of failure or success come from in my background history.
My husband.. not very happy with him. First part is not his fault and I'm being a pissy beotch but his income has dropped in half since we've been together. Job losses, yes I know. But how is it that I'm always the one to get the second income. I make the effort to fix it by taking on another job or trying to sell stuff. That and his new "I'm not going to clean this house any more". I'm not your Mexican maid'. But gets all pissed off that I don't help him in the yard. .. and so Saturday I do. But do I get any help in the house any more. Yesterday he threw my clothes over to my side of the bed unfolded. Now this is the same man who used to take care of this stuff for me. I said something to the effect, well you could have folded them, then I hear " I'm not your Mexican slave". You played poker while I made dinner. Well uh yeah and last week I made dinner and cleaned every night of the week while you watched TV but did I get all pissy about it. Great, the last time I heard those words, we almost divorced and it was over another issue, but he was throwing that crap at me. I'm tired.
EDIT: Okay I have been reminded that he is probably lashing out because he is depressed. and I undestand that. His income has dropped in half since we've been together, but I've always been the one to get the second job or try to find the means to fix it, so seriously I'm kind of sick of it. Don't take your frustrations out on me, get another freaking job if you have too. He definitely has the time and if I can do it, he can too.
Finances - just tired of it and see no end. There's not enough money to get caught up much less ahead. and if his job doesn't go permanent, we're screwed. We have no Christmas now for the third year in a row. It's getting old. I used to love Christmas. I love giving. I have no creative talent to make anything for anybody so I'm just screwed. I give up.
Work - seems we have a discrimination target again. My co worker. Last year it was me. But the mood around here is awful. We aren't in the "good ole boy's club" therefore no chance of promotion, lateral movement or anything. and I absolutely despise my job. My boss is of the KING mentality. He got promoted therefore all the peons are beneath him and he doesn't have time for us. and again I despise my job. I'm not doing what my strengths are.
My weight - I'm done. I'm not going to try any more. I'll still exercise but I give up. I can't seem to cut, lose weight, lose inche, nothing. In fact the scale keeps going up and down with the same four pounds. I'm just stuck. Nothing happening. So, now in my life, it seems I can't control ANYTHING. I thought I could do this, but I can't. No progress in months, now I'm just so tired, so frustrated and so demotivated. I want to curl up and die. and now I found out after the fact that one of whom I thought was a best friend had her house broken into and I find out on Facebook? What kind of friendship is that? All the people that used to be our friends have gotten their own houses, so our house is of no use to them any longer. So really we were just a pit stop, not friendship. I don't know.
DH kept asking me what was wrong. I couldn't tell him he was being a jerk and life sucked. Just told him life sucked.