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Saturday, November 06, 2010

The truth is I started this journey (again) on March 6th, 2010 as an act of togetherness between myself and my husband. He was going away to get clean and I felt guilty for not being with him during his challenges. I decided to challenge myself. From the time he left until we saw each other again I ate according to my plan and ran 3-4 days a week. I went from a size 24 to a size 16 without him knowing a thing about it. He was touched and surprised when he saw me. Now, 7 months from the start, I am a size 10. And I am having trouble.

The truth is I’m been having trouble. It began with getting close to that magic number 200 pounds. I hadn’t been that close in almost 20 years. It opened up a Pandora’s Box of fears. Who was I and where was I going? What would life be like on “the other side”? What was I going to look like? What we others going to think? And one of the biggest: Did I deserve to be there? The answers I gave myself: I was me going where ever I took me. Life would be fine over there. I was going to look like me only thinner. Who cares what others think. And YES, YES, YES!!! And I got below 200.

The truth is it is still hard. June 24th I was 197. September 30th 176. Only 20 pounds in 3 months. I know that is still wonderful, but I feel like a contestant on the Biggest Loser. It’s great, but not enough to keep me above the yellow line. I can feel myself going back to old habits, too numerous to list. What is it that I am struggling with? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of the unknown? Am I tired of the struggle? Do I want to be “normal”? Am I too far out of my comfort zone? Do I need to find different motivation now that my husband is home? Do I now not feel worthy of reaching my next goal and the ones after that? Is my body trying to get back to its set point? Am I not eating right for my body type? My blood type? For a cave man? All of the above? None of the above? Some of the above? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

The truth is I need to sit down with my inner child/teenager and in a kind and loving way tell her to get over herself. Remind her I got this. I rule the roost that is our body. I will let her know that even though she does not like to go to bed on time, or thinks she would rather eat French fries than kale, she does not get to make those decisions. I am the adult. She does not have to worry about these things. She is the child. Her job is to learn and have fun doing it. My job is to pay the fruit and veggie bill and make sure she has what she needs for her sport of choice. I set the rhythm and she is to go with the flow.

The truth is I miss the endorphins of a good run. And kale. And hummus with carrots. And the almost hyper energy I can have. And the way my self discipline spilled over into other areas of my life. I miss the good ole natural high. So I just had some kale and will go for a run later. Now I will work on cleaning my house.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's the $64,000 question - who am I if I'm not who I thought I was?

    Be gentle with yourself and give yourself the space and time and patience you would give your friends or your mate -you will find yourself in this new body.

    One of the thoughts that held me together when I was having major identity issues was when I realized that a tulip bulb grows into a tulip, not into a rose - I would be me at the end of the process, just in a different "place" -

    Take care.
    2721 days ago
    Yep, totally agree - the psychological aspect is a struggle. I have sabotaged soooo many times when I've begun to get close. I want to get to my goal so much but I seem to hit the wall psychologically. I can't understand why and that's really frustrating, especially as there is no clear reason for it - I've never been abused or had negative experiences that could influence why I wouldn't want to be slim/noticeable emoticon
    2721 days ago
    What is it about kale? I bought some this week, too.

    Your blog touched me. I agree with the previous comment about the psychological aspect of weightloss being very different than the science of it. Naturally thin people don't understand it when we are not 100 percent ecstatic about our bodies getting smaller. But we who have struggled with weight understand all too well. As we get thinner, our barrier, our protection against the outside world, and in some cases a large part of our identity is shed away as well.

    You inspire me as you share your thoughts on all of this. You have a healthy outlook on the emotions behind the weightloss. I commend you.
    2721 days ago
  • DITTY1013
    There's so much more to this journey than the "science" of it. The psychological aspects are often just as hard if not harder than the physical ones, and it sounds like you're doing a great job handling both. We all struggle from time to time; I think we have to sometimes to relight the fire, so to speak. And oddly, I've been craving kale this week, too. :-) Good luck!
    2721 days ago
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