An Incredible Waste

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

That is how I feel today. I've thought about all the work I've been doing- for everything; volunteering, my job search, cleaning, eating right, working out, networking, EVERYTHING. It is all an incredible waste because I'm still a disappointment to everyone. I want to disappear because it's not like I matter anyway.

Somehow I was still good with my food, worked out for half an hour- though my arms were killing me and my calves ached. I got some work done, but I feel like I did when I was fourteen all over again. There's this awful weight on me, I feel like I've been crying all day even though I haven't cried at all (but it wouldn't take much). Music can't even perk me up. I think I'm calling it a day, just take my bath and curl up in bed and sleep, as it's the closest thing to disappearing a person can do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh Sweets - there is something going around because that is how I was last week. You are one of the strongest and most persistent people I know. There are so many days when you just simply inspire me with everything you do and your passion for it all.

    Hang in there and know that things will be better and that perfect job is waiting for you. I know it is hard to be patient, but sometimes that is what we need to do.

    I think a bath and bed sound FANTASTIC - may I suggest a bubble bath!
    3562 days ago
    Kate, just sending over a huge hug! These are just emotions, you CAN live through them. But you know that yourself - doing positive things helps, doing negative things makes the situation or mood worse. Just keep coming back to Spark, keep coming back. This time will pass. You will feel better.
    3562 days ago
    Awwww sweatheart, reading your blog makes me want to just curl up and cry with you. (By the way, I am a huge fan of sympathy crying). You are so special and totally not a waste. And, you are certainly not a disappointment to any of us WLW. We all love you and are so happy to have you as part of our team. I love seeing your sweet, smiling face on any of your comments or group entries. I read the rest of this blog (the first part) and was thinking! “Wow! Kate is totally rocking it! Look at how much she’s done!” In fact, you totally inspired me to get off my butt tonight and fold up that laundry that has been sitting in the basket on my couch for two days.

    I hope your bath was relaxing and helped you focus on the enjoyable things of life.

    Hugs and all things loving and friendly from me and the rest of our warriors.

    3563 days ago
    Awe, Kate... I'm not sure what to say. I understand why you're distraught and sympathize, but please don't spiral down and away from us. You're a thoughtful, considerate, caring, unselfish person and you make the world a better place just by being in it. Ask your weight loss warriors. Ask Nick. Ask the women you work with at the volunteer thing. Ask your professors from Ohio State. Just believe that this, too, shall pass and there will be bigger and better things just waiting for you. Hang in there. emoticon
    3563 days ago
    Shake off this negativity! You matter to a lot of people; obviously by all the love posted here. I'm sure you matter to Nick as well. What you need to do is matter to YOU.

    We all go through the blues, so I can totally relate. Someday everything will click and you'll be a much stronger person after all of this.
    3563 days ago
  • PHD140
    hey- I just saw your post on the wlw challenge board and wanted to check in. I don't know what's going on, but hang in there! We're here for you if you need to talk. and ditto christy, everyone's of value!
    3563 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2146211
    Hey sweetie. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I promise you though, you're not a waste. I have yet to meet a person in this world that isn't worth the time and attention of others. Even with this little bit of SP interaction, I can tell you're a caring, giving, determined person. I encourage you to talk with someone unbiased about how your feeling. I have. It helps immensely. If you need an ear of the non-professional kind, you know where to find me =) HUGS!
    3563 days ago
  • TRICIA0623
    Kate - I TRULY know EXACTLY how you feel & just blogged about feeling that way. We need to snap out of it girl!!! We can do this, we can feel good about ourselves & the blessings in our lives & the blessings we are to other people. We MUST turn it around!!!!! I am here for you. Please read my blog & come down a new path with me....

    3563 days ago
    It sure doesn't sound like you are a disappointment especially with everything you have been doing per your post.

    You Matter! And you should always remember that.
    Who says you are a disappointment to everyone? I don't believe that.

    The only person you need to be accountable to is you.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

    Stay strong and Positive!

    3563 days ago
    I don't even know what to say. I don't know why you feel this way so its hard for me to comment but I feel like I can't just close this blog without saying anything! Whatever it is you are going through, you have to know that it will pass. Even if you think that you are not worth anything to "everyone" try to remember that you are worth everything to "someone".

    I have been to rock bottom and back. I have been to a place where I felt like everyone was trying to bring me down and no one could see who I really was and how hard I was trying to be a good person and make everyone accept me.

    In 3 months, I had lost my fiance, (my daughters dad), my appartment, (evicted), my car, (repoed, but got it back LUCKILY) and most of my friends and family. Even the friend that I was living with was talking to my dad and both were calling CPS on me. (BTW, cps laughed because they said that they recieved 2 reports by 2 different people but they were both the exact same report word for word so they knew it was fake).

    The point is that now I have a beautiful home, a wonderful husband, a renewed friendship, a renewed relationship with my dad after not talking to him for 2 years, I still have my car, I made new friends, I have a great job, and between me and my husband, 4 beautiful kids! My daughters dad and I are even friends. We get along and never fight.

    Don't dwell in the negative things that are going on right now. Think about the future and how things WILL be better one day. And yes, it will get better. It may be next week, next month or next year, but eventually whatever it is that is going on will be in the past and it wont matter anymore.

    I know we don't know each other but I am a great listener and it sounds like whatever it is, it's hitting you hard. I used to talk in such a negative way and I feel like this is something I would have said a few years ago. I am here if you ever want to talk to someone that is neutral. Just message me anytime! If you are not comfortable with that, it's ok, it would be hard for me to talk to a complete stranger too. Just try to stay positive babe. IT WILL BE OK AND YOU MATTER TO EVERYONE AND YOU ARE NOT A DISSAPOINTMENT.

    Again, since I don't know what's going on, I don't really know what to say but I really hoped this helped!
    3563 days ago
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