Why I was gone so long and why I'm back

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

So this year has kicked my arse. My dog died in February, I blew out my knee in March, my grandfather (who was also my BFF) died in April, I had knee surgery in May, we were forced by my husband's job to relocate to North Carolina in June, and my daughter started losing her hair in July. That was the last straw for me. Alopecia apparently runs in the family. No one knew it until I began suffering from it as a child. It skipped many generations before it got to me so, never in a million years, did I think my little girl would suffer. But she is. And it was a shock. And I just felt BROKEN over it. I had had enough, I was exhausted. I was angry. And worst of all - for about 3 months - I just quit.

Right now, my (not so) baby girl has lost about 40% of her hair and it doesn't seem like it is going to stop. She is wearing hats to school to cover her bald spots and it is just breaking my heart to see her go through this. It kills me because I know what it is like and I don't want her to have to fight the fight that I did. Only the people closest to me know about it (well and now you lovely folks in sparkland). I cover it well, I lead a good life and I know she will, too. In spite of this. The doctor gives us little hope that she will have any hair left and there is also little hope that it will ever come back. My poor, poor precious little girl. The problem is that people will no longer see her for who she is, all they will see is the poor little bald girl. Everyone she meets will think she is going through chemo or something. Thankfully, that is not the case. But now, she is the new kid, in the new school, trying desperately to make friends while she is slowly looking more and more different than all of her schoolmates. I hurt for her. I cry for her.

I think I truly became clinically depressed and I don't want to see a doctor and I don't want to take medicine and, DEAR GOD, I prayed - please make me feel better! So I started running again - chasing that runners high - the natural rush of endorphins that can help kick these terrible thoughts out of my head. I wanted to be proud of myself again and I want to be healthy again and I am TIRED of feeling sad and defeated all the time. So here I am fighting to get my life and my health back. I am so sorry I missed you guys for so long and I am terribly sorry if I let any of you down. The only remedy is to pick myself up by my bootstraps and try again! And I can. And I WILL.

Thank you spark friends for sticking with me. It means more than you know.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CAMELA_55
    It sure has been a rough year for you. I'm so sorry about your daughter. Don't you feel bad about being absent. You have not let anyone down. I'm just glad you're back and pray the rest of the year will be better for you.
    2726 days ago
    Oh Tia, my heart is breaking for all that you and your family have gone through this past year. I have continue to keep you in my prayers even though you weren't posting...I knew something was going on in your life for which you needed prayers. I was excited to see you blogging again. Welcome back!!
    I am so sorry for what Abigail is going through right now. Would it be possible for her to cut her hair short and get a nice wig in a style that she would like...one of those made from real hair that are available through Locks of Love. They are supposed to have all types, colors and style of real hair for children who have lost their hair for whatever reason. I know that Richelle and I have both donated hair to them several times. Maybe you could check that out. Sorry I can't make it a clickable link but you can copy and paste it in your address bar... http://www.locksoflove.org/
    CONGRATULATIONS on running and getting back in the swing of things...taking care of yourself. You have not let anyone down...well maybe yourself. But you are up and at it again and that is the main thing...taking care of yourself so that you are able to take care of your family. WOOHOO!!
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Blessings, love and hugs, dear friend.
    2726 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about what has been going on in your life. You seem to be handling it well and are making good choices on how to deal with your emotions.

    Welcome back, I hope everyone here on SP will give you the support and strength you need (we'll do what we can).

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    2727 days ago
  • C11ELF16
    What a rough year you have had! So sorry to hear all that you have gone through. I feel for you and your little girl too. I know that with your help your daughter will come out on top. In the meantime...I know it is hard to deal with it all on an everyday basis. So glad you are running. It will help you cope with it all in some small way. Glad you are back with us too. We missed you and we are here for you. emoticon
    2727 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. We would never judge you but are so glad to have you back among your friends here at Spark. I never went through the problems that your precious daughter is going through but I sure know how it is to be the new kid on the block that doesn't fit in. I was always a chubby child and we moved a lot during my early years. It is hard but I made it through. Your little girl will too and come out better for what she is going through even though that doesn't seem possible now.

    Glad you are running and taking care of yourself. So sorry about your pup and grandfather, hubby's job change and all you have been through this year.

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    2727 days ago
    Welcome back. I am sorry to hear what your daughter is going thru. Very tough, new school and to add to that the hair.
    2727 days ago
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