Things that make you go hmm part 1
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Okay so I have been doing a great deal of soul searching to figure out why I love my self fat. I mean I must since I have no motivation what so ever to start losing weight. UNLESS I truly have a problem that I have and use my weight to protect myself. And I am finding this may be what I am doing. But this next reason for staying fat really has me worried. I believe I am staying fat so I don't stray from my husband.
Because I was taught way too young, the wrong way about boys and relationships I believe I have to have something to offer everyman... (don't ask thats its own blog) My child hood wasn't very stable emotionally either and well I barely survived my teenage years, in fact if it wasn't for my husband now who knows where I would be. Even though our relationship was 95% physical and we were basically forced into marriage because we were living in sin we have been married for almost 18 years.
Even though we have been together its not been that happily ever after I had hoped for and even though I am firm believer one marriage, would I be tempted to stray if I was skinny.
Background: We have gone to our pastor, a church counselor, a daughters social worker, and now the court "appointed" family counselor/coach has told us a big problem in our house is that Hubby and I have never had a courtship, we never have or take the time to know each other... Nor does he have these types of relationship with his daughters'. He needs to connect and make us each feel special. I on the other had tend to replace him with our oldest daughter.. and let me tell you putting a child in a parent role is not a good thing!!! but that too is another blog..... Hubby believes what the couseling calls romancing each other is non other than good ole butt kissing, and he wont do it!! PERIOD! But I long to be noticed and wanted... and often start dwelling on the things I missed out on... talking about things just to hear each other talk, or to talk about future dreams and goals, or like real dates, being pursposed too a wedding cuz we love each other.... to actually take a honeymoon or just go somewhere overnight more than 15miles from our home with out the girls and not feel guilty. We say now that we want to get to this point and re new our vows but I'm starting to think this will not ever happen... I feel my heart may have been broken too many times and I feel the desire to "look" is getting stronger and stronger.