Why is it that we cannot let go of the things we want to...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sometimes I don't get it. It amazes me how we can try as hard as we can to hold on to things ( in my case is a long distance relationship with my daughter and my ever declining health) - yet my weight (something I would love to let go of) just won't go away.

I moved to Canada in May for health and school reasons and since I have come here - I have been chased after by crack heads, injured myself and slowly felt disconnected from my 20 year old daughter. I know that we are supposed to let go of our kids and let them grow - which I am all for, but I miss our conversations. She had seemed so supportive of my decision to go and I was excited that she would start college again and begin to live her life instead of taking care of me. Once I actually got out here, she decided not to go to school or work and it is scary to watch her make life choices that you know are wrong, yet not be able to do anything about.

Equally as hard to hold on to is following my doctor's advice. It is so much easier to keep your blood pressure low, follow your treatment protocols and get rest when your health doesn't actually depend on it. That said I know I must sound like a babbling idiot but I'm just venting about how hard it is to hold on to the things that I hold dear.

Yet - my weight seems to hold on to me for dear life. You would think that as my health declines and my depression continues to set it, the bright spot would be that my weight would decrease. However it is as if my weight has turned into my security blanket that I am holding on to and is holding on to me. The more I try to move away and make healthier eating choices, the more the stress gets to me. The lonelier and more disconnected I feel from my daughter and my old life, and also the more realistic it becomes that maybe living to be 45 isn't in my future - the easier it is for me to fall into this dark place in my mind that I never knew existed. In the midst of all this I know also turn to chocolate, cookies and cake - THINGS THAT I NEVER EVER INDULGED IN BEFORE! However, I am glad that I am turning to food instead of alcohol because unfortunately I come from a long history of alcoholism and Lord knows I don't need to add that to my problems.

My achilles injury is finally on the mend, but I realize that mentally I have to make a turn around as well because there are many more challenges and changes on my road to recovery and health ahead of me.

My apologies if this blog is an illogical rant - but today is one of those days when I was either going to sit in bed and cry all day or do something to release my emotions and blogging felt like the safest choice.
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    thanx for the support. Could definitely use it. Have been better about refocusing my depression and just focusing on treatment and getting healthy. Couldn't be here without the support of my friends and family.

    thanks again
    3096 days ago
    Hey there hun,

    I am proud of you for writing and posting the blog. YOU needed this!! It really is hard to be separated from our kids and then have little to no communication. Yes i agree we want them to grow and mature...becoming strong independent people. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to stay close with them and wanting what is best for them. Geez...what I would not give to be able to make some choices for my oldest son.....But they have to go through whatever it is...just like we did. YES it SUCKS!!

    Food as a comfort??!!! Girl I hear you...but I soooo agree it could be worse! I am sending up prayers for you my wonderful spark friend....and will continue to. YOU motivate and inspire me each and every day. YOU are such a strong strong lady.
    If you need to blog to release...please do so....I know it had to help.....good for you!!


    3097 days ago
    i'm sorry you are feeling so low :( its sad about your daughter. has she come to visit? maybe a visit would reconnect you two.
    try not to get discouraged. you are on the path to health, you are doing really well. of course having that injury for so long is devastating and you are missing those endorphins you get from running (because, lets face it, nothing else really compares!) but you have to remember you will get back there again. you will be close with your daughter again. i'm sorry you are not liking where you are living. can you move?! i've always heard nice things about victoria, but i guess every city has its drawbacks.

    i hope you are feeling better today!?

    3097 days ago
    Definitely felt better after blogging. It was as if I dropped 10 pounds of baggage. Didn't talk to my daughter today but worked out after blogging and then ate sensibly.

    You may be the busiest unemployed person - but you also are the most pro-active unemployed person i have ever known. Kudos to you.

    Enjoy your bath.
    3098 days ago
    Points to you for blogging! I can't even manage that these days. I've considered changing my title on LinkedIn to "Busiest unemployed person in Columbus." My weight is awful, and I don't even want to think about stepping on the scale. I've played a bit of tennis this month, but with people who aren't as experienced as I, so I'm not sure it counts for much. I understand the mother-daughter bit too, I think about how I'm planning on moving in a few years to D.C. and can't imagine being without my best friend- my mom. Ugh, exhausted, and a 14 hour day tomorrow. Off to a bath in the hopes of relieving some 'female' cramps :P Feel better, you're not alone!!!!
    3098 days ago
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