Why is it that we cannot let go of the things we want to...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sometimes I don't get it. It amazes me how we can try as hard as we can to hold on to things ( in my case is a long distance relationship with my daughter and my ever declining health) - yet my weight (something I would love to let go of) just won't go away.
I moved to Canada in May for health and school reasons and since I have come here - I have been chased after by crack heads, injured myself and slowly felt disconnected from my 20 year old daughter. I know that we are supposed to let go of our kids and let them grow - which I am all for, but I miss our conversations. She had seemed so supportive of my decision to go and I was excited that she would start college again and begin to live her life instead of taking care of me. Once I actually got out here, she decided not to go to school or work and it is scary to watch her make life choices that you know are wrong, yet not be able to do anything about.
Equally as hard to hold on to is following my doctor's advice. It is so much easier to keep your blood pressure low, follow your treatment protocols and get rest when your health doesn't actually depend on it. That said I know I must sound like a babbling idiot but I'm just venting about how hard it is to hold on to the things that I hold dear.
Yet - my weight seems to hold on to me for dear life. You would think that as my health declines and my depression continues to set it, the bright spot would be that my weight would decrease. However it is as if my weight has turned into my security blanket that I am holding on to and is holding on to me. The more I try to move away and make healthier eating choices, the more the stress gets to me. The lonelier and more disconnected I feel from my daughter and my old life, and also the more realistic it becomes that maybe living to be 45 isn't in my future - the easier it is for me to fall into this dark place in my mind that I never knew existed. In the midst of all this I know also turn to chocolate, cookies and cake - THINGS THAT I NEVER EVER INDULGED IN BEFORE! However, I am glad that I am turning to food instead of alcohol because unfortunately I come from a long history of alcoholism and Lord knows I don't need to add that to my problems.
My achilles injury is finally on the mend, but I realize that mentally I have to make a turn around as well because there are many more challenges and changes on my road to recovery and health ahead of me.
My apologies if this blog is an illogical rant - but today is one of those days when I was either going to sit in bed and cry all day or do something to release my emotions and blogging felt like the safest choice.