A Fortress of Clutter and Blubber and Lies.
Friday, October 22, 2010
During Medieval Times, communities protected themselves from marauding foes by building a fortress. But a fortress of protection isn't just a single circular wall.
It's carefully construction to provide a vantage of safety from multiple points. First it was built on the highest point to view incoming threats.
Then, there was often a thicket of thorny bushes to slow horses and men. Then the moat. A deep circular man-made river of waste and filth. Only the most dangerously determined would dare cross without benefit of the drawbridge.
The bridge used to safely guide the welcomed into the castle walls, but to block the un-invited when pulled up.
Then there was the wall itself. A wall made of the sturdiest materials. Too high and too slick to easily climb. Windowed with perches from the interior, so mighty warriors could shoot whomever got passed the thickets and the moat.
I bring the storey of the Medieval Castle because, this week as I've been working on the effect of fear on my life, I've seen that I've built masterful fortress of protection.
My fortress location is my confident reserve- or as many have called me, "cold". Like the high vantage point, my cool distance keeps strangers and acquaintances at a distance.
But if someone travels too close they must get through the thicket of lies an half-truths. Almost no one gets the full story. Only pieces. The good hearted are stung by my thorns of mistrust and repulsed by the waste of effort. The bridge goes down only for a very very few, and then the traveller is watched carefully for any sign of deceit (not mine,theirs).
My castle walls are high and treacherous. My home is filled with clutter, my finances mismanaged. Who has time to spend with gal pals or exercise when I am always too too busy fixing some current moderate home crisis. How can I invite anyone over when the house looks like it doe. How can I go outside my fortress and spend money on a lunch when my finances show I have none. Oddly enough though I find the time and the money to sit alone at my favorite pastry shops.
Finally, there is the most insidious of all my protections, the blubber. Not so much as to make me out right fat, but enough to effect my health and self-esteem. I keep my husband away from his tenderness because I don't feel pretty.
My efforts at exercise often stall because of my health. I eat and lie lazily about because I feel isolated, lonely, overwhelmed. I east and lie about to keep from looking the wonder and intricacies of my fortress. I built the fortress because I am afraid. A fear that has been with me for so long that I didn't even know I had it.
But now I do know. Now I feel it. Now I know that I no-longer need it. Now I know that the fortress is out of date and un-needed.
So, room by room, I unclutter. Area by area garbage and waste are being replaced by sunshine and openness.
Wow, this time the losing weight thing is meaning a lot more than diet and exercise.