I am afraid
Monday, October 18, 2010
of so manythings. Although many people think that I'm a fearless risk taker.
I am just a Peter Pan. Fearless in the face of Pirates. Willing to swoop and dive throughout the day. Travelling to distant stars for adventure. I am capable of saving you from tragedy and gear in a crisis but try to get to know me? Rely on me for the day to day elements of friendship and I cower like a frightened rabbit.
I have spent much of my adult life being somewhat bigger than life but keeping the real me vaulted. I have many acquaintances and no pals.
Its time to admit the cost of that fear: lots of lunches alone, working for years at one place and next to no one knows anything about me, too many come to me seeking/draining me for solutions without the ability to reciprocate. I am often lonely relying on family for society.
And the squish protects my hidden secrets.
What would I be like without the secrets? What am I so afraid of? Of being different? Well Peter Pan isn't an average Joe. Am I afraid of being victimized by the vampirically needy? Well, those types are the only people driven enough to get near me. The average see the wall and go somewhere else for companionship.
I have a brutal past. I am deeply ashamed of that past. Its a past that I believe no sane adult could imagine. Years of therapy seemingly released the toxic hold so for the last 20 years I have been a woman of relative dignity and honor. I have been able to love and be loved-- except by casual society. Women friends are pushed away.
How can I admit to them who I really am. What happened to me and its subsequent effect on my early adulthood makes even the toughest therapists cry... most can't imagine it. I push it into a box, shelve it, lock the vault and walk away.
But the girl who is left to be seen is a fictional representation of whole non-fictional woman. and I am lonely.
I need a power greater than myself t break the vault and release the fear.