Emotions and Old Habits
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Stress and raging emotions. They are what brought me to 205 pounds. Laziness had a lot to do with it, too, but ultimately, as I've mentioned before, being severely conflicted and distraught over the break up of my "perfect" family is what brought me to gain all the weight I did. I won't go into too many details (those can be read in back blogs), but coming to a point where you feel absolutely defenseless and empty handed, where you feel like there is absolutely nothing you can do and that you have given all you had for nothing: this is what causes one to reach an all time low.
I felt like there was nothing I could do (and alas, there was NOTHING I could do--something I had to come to terms with) and was so, so, so low, that it didn't matter that I wasn't taking care of me. I spent all my energy taking care of and pleasing others (dad, mom, little sister, big sister, husband, students, friends, professors) that I forgot who I was. In fact, I can honestly say that I never knew who I was in the first place. I knew I was gaining weight; I didn't care. I made jokes about how the fat on my body was just there to keep me warm. I was dead sure that there was nothing I could do about gaining weight. I wasn't pretty in the first place, so why did it matter if my body was overweight and out of proportion? No use in spending time doing things (cleaning, even. I NEVER cleaned) if it didn't make me feel better about myself and didn't serve other people. Right? Clearly, that was wrong.
55 pounds lost later, I understand all of this. I didn't see it at the time, but I realize now where I was at. I NEVER want to go back there again. I never want to be the "fat girl". I never want to forget who I am. I never want to feel those feelings again. I never want to feel like my life is totally sucky and there's nothing I can do about it. At goal weight (a fluctuating goal weight, but still goal none-the-less!) now, I am happy I can put these things in perspective. I'm happy to see what has brought me to where I am. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and darnit---I look good to! Gone are the days of being so low (though the feelings attempt to creep back every now and then). Gone are the days of feeling like a wasteful bump on a log. Gone are the horrible feelings that I don't measure up to everyone else. Honestly, these feelings always attempt to work their way in my mind. I've decided, though, that I'm not going to let them stay there. I recognize when the negativity is trying to seep back into my life like a slithering serpent that spreads poison everywhere it sinks its teeth. And what do I do? I look on the bright side of things and forge on ahead.
I do recognize, however, that one of the reasons I was put on this Earth is to serve other people. I continue to do that, but I add myself to the equation, too. I'm here to give parts of myself away to others and to spread some sunshine, but I save a little bit of that for myself also. I love this newfound confidence, and I love that through this darkness, I've found who I am and who I want to strive to be.
They say old habits die hard. It's true. It's difficult to shake the unhealthy habits that brought me to where I am. Some goal setting will help that, though. I'm busier this year than I ever have been, but that just means I need to really be Sparking it up and setting clear, concrete, measurable goals for myself. Will you help hold me accountable?
Whatever has brought you to Spark, know that introspection and reflection really cleans a soul. While I have put off writing this blog for a week, I'm happy now that I have. Hugs, Sparkfriends!