Yup...I'm going there....
I am going there simply because this is something that has been weighing on my psyche for some time now. (No pun intended)
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry, maybe even obsess about my daughter and her weight.
Truth be told, I think she is 'fat'.
There....I said it!
I know, I know...how could I be her mother and say that?!
Trust me, it's hard to like myself when I think my own child is fat. YES, she is TALL, and YES she IS a solid girl...I don't dispute that...but she is definitely not average or thin...NOT AT ALL!
Now is she obese? Definitely NOT.
Can she get there....DEFINITELY!
She is 10 ( turned 10 in July) and weighs, as of yesterday, 112.4lbs and is 4', 10.5" tall.
When I 'chart' her, she falls in the 90th or so percentile for weight and the 85th percentile for height.
That has dropped over the last year. She was, from birth to 9 years old, ALWAYS at the 95th percentile in both categories. Which is respectable. It just made her a 'big' girl.
Well now that the weight is in a higher percentile than the height, I have a concern. As long as the 2 numbers are the same, she would be relatively proportioned. With the weight being higher than the height, we are now in a gaining weight position.
Now I know what you are all thinking....some of you are wondering if I have taken her to the Dr, some are wondering why the hell I am obsessing and some of you ( a very SMALL %) are thinking, good for you for being mindful now.
I have heard everything from anybody I mention it to. From, "Don't Worry, she'll grow out of her baby fat" to "she is just a solid girl" to "she's not fat" to "you are worrying for nothing" to "is she active" to " does she eat well" to "insert whatever statement here!"
The truth is...
1) YES we have seen our family Dr. He thinks I don't need to worry YET, but I should be aware of her activity levels and exercise.
2) She hates team sports, and we are still trying to find out what activities make her tick. This is NOT an easy process. There is ONE of me...and TWO kids...so my time is spread between all of us. She apparently doesn't like 'team' sports. I am trying to introduce her to running and it MAY be working.
3) The other issue is that my daughter has an anxiety disorder that really, most people just shrug off as insignificant. But let me tell you it is ANYTHING BUT that. It rules her life, and that includes activity levels. Fear is a very interesting thing and it does nasty things to ones self-esteem.
No one can understand until it happens to them or their child....and even then...let me tell you...I struggle daily with it. It is VERY difficult to empathize with something that makes no LOGICAL sense. Things that are not and never have been issues with my son are totally uncontrollable with my daughter.
4) She LOVES food...all kinds...she does not discriminate AT ALL!!! Equal opportunity for all...healthy, crappy...it's all good in her world! It has been since birth.
I remember logging her intake and then comparing it to my son's intake...WOW...she doubled his...that being said she was 2lbs heavier at birth, so I paid no attention to that in the beginning. But then I started to wonder, could it be something that was programmed in her before she ever even hit the streets?
5) I think genes play a big roll in this. Her father is a 'teddy bear' type shaped guy. He is NOT obese but he is a big man. He is 5', 10" and 182lbs or so. He was heavier when we met but has been working on bringing it down to a healthy size. From what I can tell, by pictures, he has always been a bigger guy. He has huge, solid legs and a very round face where you just want to squeeze the cheeks. Payton is really built just like him. Being a girl, I fear will make it more difficult for her to keep her weight under control.
The average "White North American Girl" at 10 years old is 4', 2.5" tall and weighs 70.4lbs. That's 8 inches LESS and 42lbs LESS than Payton.
Since the beginning of September, when I added family activity to my goals, Payton has dropped just over 3lbs. She started off at 116lbs.
My goal is not to have her 'lose' weight but rather maintain what she has and simply get healthy while she still grows, taller.
It's a fine line too...when she constantly wants to eat because she says she is hungry. it's hard to stop it without throwing the F word out there. I keep reinforcing the getting healthy angle so as not to reek havoc on her self esteem. I don't want her to think she is a FAT girl, but I also don't want her to walk around with her head in the sand either. I don't want to add to her anxieties by constantly 'monitoring' her food and exercise levels.
I know this is taking a toll on her psychologically....I agonize over it ALL the time...and before you ask...YES she HAS a therapist....
I want her to feel proud of herself, and love herself. Maybe I need to show her that I am proud of her and love her no matter what. But truth be told...I am not proud.
I am not proud that this could be happening to my daughter. I am not proud that I have never pushed her hard enough to challenge herself, so now she has a lazy streak when it comes to exercise.
I am not proud that I cave in to her when she drives me absolutely bonkers when she wants something 'bad' at a stupid hour (her tenacity is HUGE). I am not proud that while I was going through a HUGE depression, I let her eat whatever the hell she wanted. I am not proud that my daughter has stretch marks at 10 years old. I am not proud that her waist is 32' around. I am not proud that she is going to struggle for the rest of her life because I wasn't able to help her early enough in her life.
Basically, I am not proud that I created this mess!
The more I sit her typing this, the more angry I get with myself and the more I just want to cry. What have I done? What have I done?
I am contributing to the INSANE ever growing obesity levels out there. I am fully AWARE that I have done it too... It's disgusting quite frankly.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and instead of passing on the addiction to alcohol and substances, I am passing on the addiction of food. I am no better to my daughter than my mother was to me....that is a HUGE eye opener for me.
Sure I don't beat her or ignore her or say abusive things to her, but I haven't successfully stopped the addiction cycle. I have failed her that way.
And you know....my son is a thin boy...small, doesn't eat much, but he's no better off....he eats unhealthy, he rarely exercises. But he has genes on his side. Built EXACTLY like HIS father, he will never struggle with weight, I assure you...but will he be healthy? Probably not.
So for now I continue to educate my daughter as I get educated. I continue to enroll her in different sports/activities hoping SOMETHING will take. I continue to hound her when she wants to eat after 8. I continue to encourage her to run with me. I continue to have her drink as much water as possible. I continue to not bring CRAP into my house. I continue to tip toe around the 'F' word in her presence.
I continue to worry and obsess over her weight and health daily....
RUN RUN RUN!!
Here's an example of her next to another girl her age
She had just finished her first Piano Recital...very Happy :)
Taken in Sept on one of our family activity days along side her older brother (4 years older)