Feeling Sorry for Myself, Needing to Vent, Still Looking for My *%#& Spark

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Okay, so today we got our school pictures and when I looked at mine I just wanted to puke. I looked horrendously fat, like I hadn't spent the last 10 months losing almost 40 pounds. After getting past a little of the shock, I got out last year's pictures to compare them to. My thinking in doing this is that I would see a difference in my face, that this year's picture would show my face being thinner. HOLY CRAP, not only did my face NOT look thinner, but I looked 10 years older. So, I'm still fat, I look ten years older, and my birthday is a little over a week away.

If all of that wasn't enough to make my day truly SUCK, I should be speeding my way to North Carolina for the race instead of spending time typing on my computer. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone to go with me so I am stuck here and having to eat my tickets because no one could be found to buy them. I always look forward to this race because it is the week before my birthday and this is what helps me get through it each year. Birthdays are not my thing, because they always remind me I am another year older and still alone. At least if I get to the race, I am still riding on that high and feeling of relaxation. Not to be this year. This year is going to be full of stress, sadness, and hopelessness. I think when I go to bed tonight, I will just stay there until after my birthday, have myself a good cry, and try not to continue wishing for the things that will obviously never be.

Sorry for the pity party, but I just had to let it all out. Usually it helps to vent, but so far I'm not feeling it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wonder if you had a crap photographer? Seriously, my husband does a lot of shooting for ad campaigns and the size of the lens can make a big difference in how big you look (some lenses make us look squatter!). And harsh lighting makes us look older. Because I have a hard time believing you actually look bigger than last year after dropping 40 pounds!

    I did get a reality check on photos--went to a party on Friday and I FELT really fabulous, but then I saw the pictures and, well, let us say that I was not quite so fabulous visually. Still have a ways to go. But if we just keep plugging away we will eventually get there. Eventually...

    So--my first Spark Friend--keep on sparking. Bet if you had a picture of what your INSIDES look like the story would be very happy! Think how much happier our hearts, liver, kidneys, pancreas and all those things are after a year of healthier habits.

    I send you hugs.
    2800 days ago
    I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable emoticon

    right now nice bit out of the way, you have choice now, you can lay in that bed and feel sorry for yourself or you can haul your butt out of it, you may not be able to go to the race but if you get up and get going you can find something else to do. It looks you are planning to lay there feeling miserable so plan a different day....
    come on emoticon emoticon
    2802 days ago
    It's ok to have a pity party. I do it all the time! Everyone needs that time to vent. I'm sorry to hear your pictures got you down, but I'm pretty sure cameras lie. A different photo from another angle would probably make you feel fantastic about yourself! I find that all the time with photos. Sometimes they just don't make you look good, and other times you look great! Just toss that photo and get some new ones. Also, why not go to the race by yourself? You never know what might happen or what interesting new people you might meet on an adventure like that!

    2802 days ago
    You have done so damn GR88. Don't give up on yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT! As for the picture, I wouldn't let it get you down. Believe it or not, my face also still looks fat when I put on a smile. My dad had chubby cheeks so I just call them "Daddy's chubby Cheeks" it helps. Older looking is something I'd wish I could forget all about. Smoking did me in. Losing the weight just made it worse. By hey, I'm not smoking and I've lost the weight. Look at the POSITIVE side, you LOST almost 40 lbs. GR88 JOB! I too have a birthday this month. In fact it is on Monday and I'll be 47. I so wish I could have gone with you. I'm so SORRY you can't go and couldn't find anyone to go with you. My heart is breaking for you. I hope you can enjoy your birthday next weekend. PLEASE try and look at yourself as the very special person you are!

    2803 days ago
    I agree today sucked, and birthdays suck and lots of things don't always go right or seem right. I had to send the IRS a big check today. I did not get to work out today. I ate bbq for lunch today. Weigh in is tomorrow and I know I did not do as well as I should have. But........

    You have lost 40 freakin' pounds. I have lost 15 pounds. We are different people and we know it. Who cares what a picture looks like, it's what we feel inside.

    I love that you let it all out, but now what are you going to do? I hope and pray you see this as challenge and move forward.

    One step back, two steps forward. emoticon
    2803 days ago
    When I get really discouraged about how I look I think instead about how I feel. Think back to how you felt with that extra 30 lbs on. What might be really helpful is if you go get something that weighs 30 lbs, like a bag of dog food or something and just pick it up and carrying it around a bit. And then remember, you used to be carrying that much extra weight on your body and take a moment to be proud of yourself.
    2803 days ago
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