Demons: we all have them

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I don't know what else to call what happened to me emotionally yesterday. I am not sure where to even begin. I had a very rough child hood, I am not one to just complain, or blame things on a bad child hood, but it was bad. I have and will continue to the best I can for my kids due to many of the things that went on when I was young. One of the main things that always gets me is the weight. I began to put on weight around 8 y/o. My mom was a very young mom, and decided she needed to be young again and that she didn’t want the whole family kids thing. So that left me to try and figure things out on my own for many years. I had family within 5 minutes of me, but no one cared. They knew I was alone, for days at a time, they knew I was scared, they knew I didn't have food for days, but no one cared. When there was food, I ate it, I ate all I could get my hands on. During times, when my mom would slow down and be home for a few days, there was food, I would eat until I was sick, and then eat again. My grandmother took my little sister to live with her, because she was soooo young and I was strong, mind you we are only ONE year apart. so for years I was in a very bad place in life. I don't hate anyone for it, I don't resent anyone for it, I don't blame the relationship I have with food on anyone. I have forgiven my mother and the other members of my family. My Mom and I became best friends later in life, and she was the best Nana in the world to my children. I lost her when I was only 25, we had alot of years left to be Mom and daughter.
Now that you have some of the history, lets get back to yesterday. My grandmother, is 76 Y/O and getting a bit depressed, a bit down, a bit forgetful. The age is getting to her. So here sets in the guilt, I have family members calling me telling me I need to make sure Grandma eats. I can do that, I can take food by to her, no big deal. I am the closest granddaughter with her. So I made a big dinner Sunday to take her some on Monday. Driving to her house after work I lost it, all the emotions hit me like a brick! I thought I would have to pull over I was so upset. Thinking that I had time to make sure she was OK, but no one did when I was growing up. Not her, not my aunt that called me, and the aunt who lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY GRANDMA!!!! Why why why, is what I was asking myself??? Did no one care for all those years, if I ate, if I was alone, if I was scared, if I went to school, if I had electricity? I composed myself, because I do love my Grandma, and I am glad I can help her. The more I think about it the more upset I get, these 2 woman lived 5 minutes from me, did not work, and they couldn't take 5 minuets a day to see that I had a sandwich, or something! I work full time, have 4 kids to take care of, but every time they need me I am there. I know it is the past, but it is eating me up today. I am hoping by getting it out I will feel better. I am hoping to someday, have a healthy relationship with food.
Thank you all for listening, I really try not to be negative, and always be positive and supportive, but today I am that hurt, scared neglected little girl again. And once again I am trying to compose myself; I am at work, and need to put on a happy face.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry that happened to you. You are such a good person ... doing for them what they would not do for you.

    Consider this a cyber-hug. A big one.

    3929 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6755753
    I also agree with Kelli 100%! You are an awesome person and it seems you have forgiven but I know it is harder to forget! Hang in there and release those demons, even if it is on Spark but continue to persevere and give and teach your children that which you were not privy to!!

    You're an awesome person!
    3930 days ago
  • ZENNA97
    I suggest talking to ur aunt to see if you all could schedulee visits to helpout on different days so it wouldnt be a too much a burden on either of you. If that doesnt work. Then do your best to take of your grandama. Just do it!Forgive those family members. Pray to God ask Him to change you because some people arent going to change matter how you try to do right by them. Allow God to do the rest, Trust Him! You have really come a long way! Stay encourage.
    3930 days ago
    I feel for you sister, but one thing I have learned thru my own family tramas is that the best thing that came out of that is: My children have a better mother because of my bad childhood. the bible says that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. I stand on this promise and I get distressed. I didn't go see my grandmother for years as she was in the old folks home because of my childhood aches and pains. I am over 40. I went on a religious retreat and was able to find forgivenss for her and finally went to see her. I am not going to say that we became close, it was too late, senility had stepped in so she could not say she was sorry, nor do I know for a fact that she felt like she did anything wrong in the favortism that she showed to her other grandkids over me. I could go on and on, but the point is, there is nothing your grandma can do to change the past now, sure it hurts, but you cannot allow your past to impact your future. You have children that need their mother now and you could go on with your life and cut your grandma and your aunts that wronged you out of your life, but you won't because you are better than them and that is the you, your children see and because of that, they will be better than that as well. All the best to you and yours. I think that it is great that you shared and got this off your chest and as the posts indicate, you are not alone.
    One more thing, it wouldn't hurt to bring the subject up to your aunts and see what they say. I would. Be Blessed
    3930 days ago
    My mom has a similarly terrible family, and though I haven't had anything close to the experience you had, I can say that the way you talk about your children (and the selflessness it takes to forgive those who have done you wrong in the past) makes me think you are going to change things for the better. My mom made it her mission in life to not have her daughters grow up the way she did, to have us understand what it means to really be a loving family. When I look at my generation and compare it to hers, I have so much respect for her. She went through some ordeals, but she didn't let it stop her and now she has a family (my sisters, my dad, some of her siblings) that she can really depend on. It sounds like you're headed in that direction. If I can offer you any advice, it's this: try not to dwell on the terrible things that happened to you. Focus on your family (your kids!) and try to make something new. The rewards you'll reap in the future will far outweigh your past.
    3932 days ago
    I can so feel your pain. It is a pain I know well. But for me, I know I can't change what happened in the past. And I can't change the people either. But I know I am a worthwhile person and that I, as a little girl, deserved to be taken care of, to be loved. I can't go back and change the past but I can change today and love the little girl inside of me now. Maybe this doesn't make sense . . . but I am so sorry for that pain.
    3932 days ago
    Wow, you have survived such an ordeal. It is a shame when our own families don't step up to the plate. I did not have that bad of a childhood, but my father passed away when I was 3 and my mother was left with 3 small children. She worked as a waitress, a lot, and when she wasn't working she was out drinking. Many weekends we were left alone not knowing where she was or if she was coming home. I do sympathize with you and I know you say you don't blame anyone, but how could you not. I blame my mother for deserting us and her sister lived about 15 minutes away, but if I ran into her on the street I wouldn't know her. My mother passed when I was 16. You don't get over these things, but you can move beyond. Voicing the situation may help you to resolve some of those feelings that are bubbling up.

    I'm so sorry you do have to remember and that you ever had to go through it in the first place. Be the best parent you can be and raise some healthy, happy children. But remember to try and put yourself first, at least some of the time. If you are happy and healthy, then it will rub off on your children. You are a special person, there is no doubt about that. We are here for you!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3947 days ago

    I can't say it any better than Kelli.
    3949 days ago
    I certainly do understand housing demons. Boy, do I.

    Your Blog title is what lured to your page, and your Status kept me interested. I immediately thought, "what a wonderful, compassionate woman." Then I read your blog.

    You've come a long way, baby. Somehow, you persevered and became a survivor, and you will, no doubt inspire others to move on and to forgive those who have hurt them. I believe that sometimes we have difficult and unfortunate experiences that make us into better, stronger people. It looks as though that is indeed the case with you.

    And although it doesn't seem right or fair that those relatives close to your grandma aren't helping with her care, the compassion and care YOU bestow will earn YOU blessings. I believe that.

    Take care. I'll will most certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers today - may those demons be gone and may you be comforted and find peace today.

    emoticon Kelli
    3949 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7520813
    That is a heartbreaker and I have no answers! I understand why it hits you now and then. Please hang in there and take care of yourself. If you could talk to a counselor or pastor that would be great. You are a wonderful person and very strong to have gotten through this and to help out your grandma when she needs it now. Don't forget how awesome you are!
    3949 days ago
    Brandi - I sent u a msg in regards to this BLOG.
    It is a Flip Side of your story. MA

    3949 days ago
    emoticon I admire your ability to forgive your family, that is amazing.

    Could you ask your aunts to share in the caregiving - and maybe get your Grandmother set up with a "Meals on Wheels" type program, so all the pressure isn't on you? It does seem like a lot to ask, considering your history.

    3949 days ago
    Food has a way of filling in when our emotions get overwhelmed. I was reading an article about a woman that gained 170 pounds after being raped. She realized while she was losing the weight that what she wanted was not food - but hugs. She said in the article that when she's craving food now, she stops and asks herself if a hug is really what she wants instead.

    That woman and you are both hurting from something that was not your fault. I hope you get lots of hugs, and keep asking your family for them. There is probably no way that your grandmother and aunt knew how hurt you were. They probably just thought you were capable and they had their own problems (don't we all?).

    I hope you can get past being the 'scared, neglected little girl'. You are obviously a strong, capable woman. Perhaps asking your grandmother and aunt in a non-critical way why they didn't help out when you were young will open their eyes to your suffering. But they can't go back, and neither can you.

    I hope this does not come across as critical, as that is definitely not the intention. I hope you can come to terms with your demons. Good luck.
    3949 days ago
    I am so sorry that you went thru that as a child , and I know it has to be hard when you think of it now . You are a very strong , awesome woman , to be able to put aside your childhood pain and still be able to help and love the family that didn't help and show love to you.
    God was there with you the entire time and He is the One that puts the love that you have in heart for your family . Please try to stay strong and ask Him to heal your heart of your past . He can and will do it. emoticon for sharing your story with us , and I pray that you feel better soon. emoticon t.
    3949 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3011801
    I know what it is like too have a parent who doesnt care about you.I have let go of my past as well but It still hits me.
    Taking care and bringing food to someone who didnt do the same for you is hard and it is ok to be upset.I would be.I have the same unhealthy attchment to food.... eat it while you can because there may not be anymore later.
    Crying is good any emotion is better than burying it.You may have forgiven but you havent forgotten.It makes you a better person than she was to make sure she gets food and God Bless you for it.Lisa
    3949 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6156797
    I'm so sorry.. your story is hard to read. The fact that you were in that situation and no one noticed is surprising because I think if it happened NOW, you would have been put into a foster home, unfortunately. Just keep being the best person you can be, which may mean checking in on your grandmother. Perhaps you should have a talk with those people (if you haven't already) to get all your emotions out? If you need anyone to talk to, let me know.
    P.S. Are those your children in your background?! Those children are BEAUTIFUL!
    3950 days ago
    You are an amazing woman, Brandi. What you describe is hard to understand - why as a child you weren't given the care and support you deserved is unimaginable! Your beautiful spirit shines through your words, and in your actions every day. I pray that you may someday get some closure to this strange situation and that in the meanwhile you are blessed with the love of your family and friends and that you continue to find the abundance of grace you show in your kindnesses to your grandmother.
    3950 days ago
  • BOVEY63
    How heartbreaking that you had to grow up like that; and that those who weren't there for you now expect you to be there for them. That you are there for them tells me what a remarkable person you are today.
    3950 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6096849
    Sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed. It's hard trying to take care of a senior, especially when early stages of dementia kicks in. Your family has to pull together for the sake of your grandmother. It can't just be left up to one person. Maybe you should seek out a local support group. Having an outlet where you feel safe and are with people who can relate to your struggle is always a help. Remember you're strong and you'll presevere.
    3950 days ago
    Wow- I feel your pain on this one. I had a very rough childhood with some similarities and although I want to think I forgave family who weren't there for me, the truth is I harbor a lot of resentment. I hope you can work through these feelings and see you are an amazing woman who never deserved what you went through. Those people should have been there for you and shame on them. You are who you are not because of them but in spite of them. You should be proud. I am proud of all you have overcome as I know how hard it is to get through that as a child. It sure makes you grow up quickly. I am glad you can be there for your Grandma even though noone took good care of you- you are a truly wonderful human being! emoticon
    3950 days ago
    You really are strong and you will make it through. Being able to forgive shows tremendous strength of character. Of course you love your grandma and of course you are looking out for her but in your shoes I'd tell my aunts to shove it. I'd still visit grandma but remind them they have no right to instruct me on the care of family members in need. Bravo to you for taking the high road. You'll be happier for it.

    Have you discussed with your aunts that you have 4 kids and suggest perhaps setting up a family schedule to look after Grandma so it doesn't all fall to you? You can use the excuse that you can't leave the kids behind but bringing them with you all the time may overwhelm grandma and it sure would be nice if she had some quiet time with her daughters as well.

    I'm sure whatever you work out will be for the best. And we are here for you if you need emotional support.
    3950 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5959732
    I know it is hard. I grew up in a pretty messed up family as well. You are such a sweet considerate person. God is going to pay you back ten fold for your caring, kind heart for others. I hope that you have a better day today. emoticon
    3950 days ago
  • LFBC1100
    I an so emoticon if you know Jesus give it all to Him He cares for you and He loves you Brand10074's if you don,t know Him get to know Him I will be praying for you emoticon
    3950 days ago
  • ERIN4771
    families are hard, and no matter how hard you try to forget things that happened when you were growing up, they still resurface....i would say take care of your grandmother for how it makes YOU feel, don't worry about the rest of the family or the guilt they try to dump on you to do it. you made the best out of a bad situation growing up, and yes, it's normal to to get resentful towards others that didn't help you in any way, so don't beat yourself up for feeling that have 2 choices when the feelings from the past pop up...acknowledge them and move on or spend too much time thinking about it and letting it determine your sounds like you are a very strong person, have a great family and want to move forward, so i would focus on that, stay positive, even when you have days like this, lean on your friends and reliable can do this!!!!!!
    3950 days ago
    OH Brandi! MY HEART breaks for you. I hear you on trying to be positive I really do... BUT I am ticked off that you were done this way! THIS boils my blood to think of you as a precious little child all alone, hungry and scared! WHAT IN THE H*** was wrong with all these relatives!

    IF I had a neighbor child that was going through this... I would take food EVERY SINGLE day to them... a stranger! YOU would to!

    I am amazed how you turned out! YOU are an amazing woman! I am so lifted up by how you write about your mom and grandma now... how you love them... how you forgave your mom! (how you forgave all of them!) I don't know how you did it!

    OF course, NO WONDER YOU have an unhealthy relationship with food! NO surprise at all! It was a survival technique! Eat it while you had it because you would not have it for days on end!
    I JUST WANT to hug you and talk with you and CRY with you!

    I am so thankful you blogged, I will be lifting you up in prayer today!
    Something that really hits me funny is your G took you 1 yr younger sister and left you... to be alone!
    I can only imagine the questions you have about that! You are an amazing woman with the heart the size of Texas!

    I don't have much to offer you with your struggles today but a heartfelt hug and words of I care! I am sorry! I wish I could fix this for you!

    3950 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/12/2010 8:46:54 AM
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