1-99 SparkPoints 40

What Was I Thinking??!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I cut out of Spark Peopling for a while, and have been trying to get back for a good two months now, pretty unsuccessfully. It has not been a healthy 2.5 months. I just let everything go - diet, exercise, sparking, and - gee, what a surprise - I've gained back two of the kilos I worked so hard to get rid of, I'm suffering from some snarky depression, I've been sick twice with snotty/cough type ailments, and I injured my hip to the point that I am undergoing physical therapy to try to heal it.

Running has been the only thing I feel passionate about these days, so much so that I "ran through" some wincing, tear-provoking pain for eight days before I finally had to face the fact that I had an INJURY. When the doc told me I was to do zero exercise, not even abs or upper body, it just felt like adding insult to the INJURY and the depression (already pretty bad) really set in. Instead of doing the smart thing with my diet (decreasing calories a bit and continuing to eat clean), I grabbed the plate of cookies and decided not to care anymore about what I stuffed into my mouth. My ridiculous reasoning was "Oh well, I'm never going to be able to run again, so I don't care anymore. Bring on the fat cells!"

What was I thinking when I took a leave of absence from SP earlier this year? Did I feel like I had it under control and didn't need help from anyone anymore? Or did I just not carve out the time to connect with like-minded people who always offer encouragement and great advice? Was I too busy doing things like summer vacation and worrying about my summer financial woes? I really don't know. What I do know is that not being on here with my buddies this summer was the equivalent of dietary suicide for me, which was the beginning of a downhill slide for my health, which was probably the root cause of my INJURY, which has led to some serious depression, which has led to more crappy eating, which in turn...and so on and so on ad nauseum.

Who knows why things happen the way they do? I really don't know that either. Sometimes we just have to accept that THEY HAVE HAPPENED THAT WAY and we move on. I stopped sparking. I ate too much junk food. I gained weight. I got injured. I stopped caring (at least on the outside). I messed up. And so here I am...

So, what to do? Well, last night I decided I would just post something. Anything. Just get back in the game! I posted a short thing on my hip problems on one of my team's boards. Today I got back some great advice on my problem, and some links to blogs that these people had posted about having the same injury. Something in one of the blogs just made me *click,* really touched me, MADE ME THINK. The blogger said that she really needed to get the INJURY situation sorted out on a physical level and in her head. She said that if she didn't get it worked out soon, all the hard work she had put in up to this point would be jeopardized. She said, and here I quote, "I need to feel on top of this, that there is a way out, that this is manageable, treatable, not the end of my life as a runner. I need a new plan."



I've decided that today is a new day, and with new days come new plans (thank you my beautiful new Spark Buddy, for articulating so well exactly what I needed to hear!). I'm logging my food again. I'm eating clean again. I'm reconnecting with my Spark Peeps again (what awesome friends I have - you did not abandon me all this time even though I abandoned you, and I love you all for it! Thank you for keeping me connected and somewhat present through chat and email). I'm blogging. I'm recalculating and recalibrating my program, and resetting my goals.

Mostly, I'm telling myself that I AM STILL A RUNNER and that this is only a temporary setback.

I am, I am, I am...and thanks to all of you who continued to believe that even when I had stopped believing it...

This is where I left off - my last 10k - and I...WILL...BE...BAAAAACK EVEN STRONGER!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So happy to see you again! Listen, we all slip off the course now and again.........the deal is that you are back and ready to begin again. That is all that matters! If you disappear again, I am going to come looking for you! :)

    Forward focus!
    3201 days ago
    I can relate to everything you have said. A month ago my life took a bad turn and I just let everything. I was just beginning to feel good about myself. Well, back in the rut. I have had so many changes in the last month and all I have done to handle the changes is to eat and eat junk food. Let's hang in there.
    3202 days ago
    You know I'm happy to see you again. You know I worry about you. If there's anything I can do, just name it. I think you are making the right first step. Love you girl!
    3202 days ago
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