This is my new weight loss plan. It's been working really well. Whenever you feel like skipping a day on the treadmill, or thinking "I'll pump some iron another day",,,, Just remember these rules!!! Some of these rules are well,,,,,, anyway, It's Zombieland....deal.
Rule 1: Cardio: This one comes up in Zombieland and clearly makes a lot of sense. Don’t be a fatty, Zombies can out run you. Don’t be lax on the cardio. How many fat people do you see at the end of the world when its zombies doing the ending?
Rule 2: Doubletap: When you do end up using a gun for that last minute 'oh $$hit' moment remember to double tap. Zombies rarely go down with the first shot, a second blast is imperative for life! It’s an emergency and that’s why your using it and not your cricket bat, so why skimp?
Rule 3: Beware of Bathrooms: Don’t forget to eat your ruffage! This will help during those times you have no other choice butt to use a public bathroom!!! Fast and efficient that’s the goal! Who wants to face a hidden zombie hiding in a stall or one waiting at your door? At times like these, you must be fast!!!
Rule 4: Wear Seatbelts: It’s a safe bet unless you’re a complete dumb dumb (see rule #7) your not going to be hoofing it on foot in the event of a zombie outbreak. So when traveling on four wheels, wear your seat belt. Nothings worse then finding yourself ejected out of your car, into the loving and oh so hungry arms of zombies.
Rule 5: Travel Light: This one goes along with Rule #1. Cardio the lighter you are the faster you travel!! But traveling light also means keep the emotional attachments to a minimum, If you have kids or a wife you’re less likely to survive then the gal or guy who has no attachments and nothing slowing him or her down. Or worse yet making bonehead decisions like 'going back into the room' to save your attachment.
Rule 6: Cast Iron Skillet – Work those weights you’ll need the upper body strength to swing your trusty skillet!!!
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand: One of the sure fire ways of making sure you survive is keeping the less intelligent as close at hand as possible. When you find someone who asks you; “What’s going on, what happened?” Those are the ones you want with you. That way when the zombies come they are less likely to realize it’s not Amway calling, run!
Rule 8: Kill with Efficiency: It’s not about pretty it’s about efficiency. A lot of folks run for the gun cabinet, the truly savvy go looking for the most blunt and effective way to destroy the brain. That can be anything from a baseball bat... to a toilet lid! Kill with Efficiency... don’t use weapons that need something to work, use weapons you can swing over and over and over again. You don’t tend to run into 1 zombie at a time. Yet again, another great way to work w/ Rule#1 Cardio!!
Rule 9: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing: This one is simple. Guns need bullets. When you’re running who has time to stop for bullets? Keeping a shotgun with buckshot on hand is important but only when your pinned in and need a quick getaway. It’s not a proper means for killing zombies, as they run out of ammo and need reloading. Remember a Cricket Bat, or Toilet Lid do not need loading!
Rule 10: Be Quiet: It’s the end of the world as you know it, so try to avoid squealing like a 2th grade school girl and perhaps invest in some good sneakers. Nobody said you have to kill all the zombies and there is certainly no shame in sneaking around and surviving versus tearing around like a madman and ending up being an undead happy meal.
Rule 12: Bounty Paper Towels
Rule 13: Travel in a Group: The best way to increase your odds of survival when traveling in a zombie outbreak is to make sure you’re a traveling buffet. Going it alone gives the zombies no choices but to eat you. Going it with the old man with the limp, the little kid who cant run and the middle aged woman with the plastic leg gives the zombies more options and you better odds. Hopefully you can run faster then your group.
Rule 15: Bowling ball –Another great excersize to help w Rule#1. Also, work on your aim so you can use this as a weapon in times of need. Strike!!!!
Rule 17: Don't Be a Hero: No one like's the know it all, be a little humble sometimes. Example; when your partner is surrounded by zombies RUN!! there's nothing you can do for him!
Rule 18: Limber Up: When either fighting a zombie or running from zombies its not a great time to be pulling a muscle or throwing your back out. So limbering up is kind of a must. Stretch it out a little.. it may save your life.
Rule 19: Blend in: Much as Shaun did in Shaun of the Dead it’s important to blend in. When’s the last time you saw a zombie try to eat another zombie? Not easily done but with the right odor and smearing of goo on your face,,,, it can happen.
Rule 20: Find The Right Shelter: Shelter is the key to survival, but since we are already traveling in a group you should ask yourself why the shelter needs to be stationary. For me a motor home or large all terrain vehicles that seat a half dozen would do nicely. Plus when zombies arrive in your neighborhood there is no last minute scramble to pack and leave. Just put it in drive and roll!
Rule 21: Zombies can’t climb. Have you ever seen a zombie eat another zombie or when’s the last time you saw a zombie climb a wall? Zombies can’t climb so find high ground if you do need to stop. Also great to help you with Rule #1 Do rock climbing training!!!
Rule 22: Plan your escape! AKA When in doubt, know your way out. Nothing’s worse then a poorly planned escape. If your going to be a hero its always a good idea to plan ahead and as the rule states,,,, Know your way out!
Rule 23: God Bless Rednecks: Rednecks are loud, brash, well armed and ready to kick ass now and ask questions later. So when a redneck shows up in your group half drunk and rumbling louder then your hummvee welcome him. Sure rednecks can attract zombies but they also are well armed and kill a whole lot of em. Best of all they are good bait for you to make your exit while he is making a mess of the zombies, and before he realizes he just ran out of bullets and does the happy meal groan.
Rule 24: No Drinking. This one should be pretty plain obvious. Escaping zombies is tough enough as it is. How well do you think you will do after downing a couple shots of Jack Daniels? Drinking is not a good survival tactic. Again, it won’t help with Rule #1
Rule 25: Be ruthless: You know what you need to do to obtain Rule#1, do it!!! Work hard & eat right. The weak and compassionate will not survive in the world of the undead.
Rule 31: Check the Back Seat. I can’t tell you how many times somebody has eaten it or in this case been eaten because they are just not smart enough to check the back seat. Always check the back seat friends. Always! In turn, when a zombie ends up in your back seat, make sure to use rule #4 or...#1
Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things: It’s the end of the world. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Loot a neighborhood or two, trash a car, speed! Do the little things and enjoy em. Who knows how long you have to live! Sure we make mistakes, but at least there’s hopefully another day to improve.
Rule 33: Swiss Army knife. What can’t a swiss army knife do. Nuff said.