Scaring myself...silly girl

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Okay, back in May when the Doc told me I probably would not be around come Christmas time, I had the thought...."Gee, I would hate to ruin anyone's holidays forevermore" My thought was by dying near or on Thanksgiving or Christmas, when that holiday comes around each year, it would be remembered as the anniversary of my death and therefore put a damper on the festivities.

In my thoughts, I was thinking (please keep in mind that I just ain't right) that before or after the holidays would be a better time to die. Not just because of the death anniversary thing but also because people that I want to be at my memorial service would be able to attend and not be swamped with the Thanksgiving / Christmas obligations.

So....I'm giving serious thought to this back in May and was like "HMMM, October the 10th 2010...yeah...10-10-10...it will look neat engraved on the lil name plate thing...and easy to remember....and it is a Sunday...the memorial service can be scheduled for the next Sat...yep, that will work (again, I ain't right)

First, let me clarify, I have no intention of making this a fulfilling thing. I am ready to die I guess but I'm not READY...I still feel to alive and stuff...anyway....

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon..10-08-10...Out of no where my abdomen starts swelling just below my sternum. I have had no surface sensations on my stomach since 08 when the Whipple surgery was done. My belly hurts to touch. It is warm...like it has fever... there is a hard knotty area beneath the swollen area skin(about the size of a orange)... I don't feel "bad"...I am NOT running a fever... my belly hurts to the touch, feels hot and hurts when I
get up or sit down in a chair from the movement.

Now, this is a strange and different so I am a lil freaked out..plus it is Friday afternoon late...docs already gone...THEN I REALIZE THE DATE!!!!

I scared the dog doo out of me! I am not real superstitious but with this just happening out of the blue for no apparent reason..just days before the 10-10-10 date...UGH! I got thinking that it was something swelling internally that would burst and poison my system and have me dead by Sunday night....I DON"T want my death to be long and strung out and a quick thing like a total body poisoning from an exploded something or other internal would be a good thing probably....BUT...just ain't ready yet...I know...Silly me.

I put a call into the doctors office and get told that the on call doc would call me back....He did (almost 2 hours later)..of course, it is NOT my oncologist..it is one out of another clinic that they all split weekend on call duties....hhmph!

I explain to him what is going on (sans the 10-10-10 stuff) and he tells me that he will call in an antibiotic and for me to keep an eye on it. If the swelling continues or I start vomiting...get to the emergency room. Otherwise just take the antibiotics for the weekend and see my regular oncologist Monday.

He seemed very unconcerned which eased my mind somewhat. But what eases my mind even more is that I have MY oncologist's personal cell phone number..if it gets any worse, I will call him and then go from there. Maybe should have called him from the start but because of the 10-10-10 stuff (which no one but y'all know about) I felt like I was over reacting.

So....I managed to skeer the bejesus outta myself by having overthunk something months ago.

I am ready except for piddling stuff like getting rid of the last of the junk out of my extra bedroom and little stuff like that. All the arrangements were made forever ago. I asked and received forgiveness for my sins and have a kicking relationship with God. But I'm not READY to die yet...I feel to alive, I just ain't DONE!

I realize that some people will take offense to my casual attitude about death and all of these things but that is okay.. I deal with my strife the way I deal with it. I do believe in being open and honest about death because it is just a natural part of life. I don't want to have a long strung out painful death but I'm also not ready to leap on the exit ramp yet.

Okay...that is off my chest...should I, by some weird twist of fate, die this weekend...well, number one..that would be God's plan..it is all on his time frame, not mine. Number two...Linda, be sure to print this and give it to Tina for me...(it would come under the "TOO FREAKING WEIRD" heading)..and thirdly...hmmm that is what I get for over thinking situations all the time!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Re-read, cried, laughed, Loved.
    I'll get Tina in on this Blog when I go to see Shannon's family.
    3412 days ago
    I love your attitude and positivity emoticon
    3785 days ago
    Didn't anyone ever tell you that you have to be careful what you wish for??
    Oh my!!
    Hope you're feeling much better very soon!
    3833 days ago
    Hi Shannon,

    I know that we don't know each other, but I follow your story and am so completely in awe of your outlook on things. You are such an inspiration in more ways than you know. I wish you all the best, you are in my prayers.


    3840 days ago
  • .DUSTY.
    emoticon Hi Shannon! I know we don't know each other but I think of you often. You are truly one inspiring woman!

    emoticon We're not ready either!
    3841 days ago
  • _BECA_
    Wow what a blog my friend! I believe you are a strong women I also am glad that you have made your peace with God in the end the only thing that matters is who you are because the material things are just that but the memories that you make last a lifetime and live forever in the hearts of the lives you have touched. I am going to say a prayer: Father God I pray for my sister to have strength and peace and your comfort may you see her through this and even if your healing is taking her home to be with you that she will do it peacefully.I thank you God for a never failing love and for always being there in Jesus name AMEN!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    a rainbow is God's promise

    3841 days ago
    Wow! I am blown away by your acceptance and preparedness. Talk about perspective! This blog gives new meaning to "don't sweat the small stuff". Thanks for sharing. This one will stay with me for a looooooong time...I pray God continues to grant you peace and comfort.
    3841 days ago
  • NIC0103
    Blimey.... ok, I admit I'm blubbing after reading your blog & DBFBILLY's comment. It's weird what goes thru our minds sometimes I guess, but I can't believe you're being so considerate...! You're a very special person and I think you're so selfless by worrying about inconveniencing others and putting them first. I can't find the words to say any more apart from; no-one knows when their number is up, as my dear old dad says. I hope your pain is manageable and I'm sending you lots of positive vibes :)
    3842 days ago
  • no profile photo KENP22
    your entries give me insight into what my dad is likely going thru.
    3842 days ago
    Aw, Shanon, silly girl!

    There's an old 'Calvin & Hobbes' cartoon... Calvin is at the top of a very steep, snowy hill, and his thoughts are compelling him to throw himself and his sled down it... so he does. The last frame has him dumped off in the snow at the base of a tree and he says, "I think my brain is trying to kill me!"

    Whenever I start thinking those 'I just ain't right' thoughts I remember the cartoon, have a chuckle and move on... not unlike you right now. Remember that old saw, "Be careful what you ask for... you just might get it!"... but God just doesn't work that way (thank God).

    I'm glad you have a good plan and support if you need it. I'm really sorry that your body is doing weird stuff. I'll step up the prayers a bit.

    As for the 'casual attitude about death' business... I don't think you have a casual attitude at all. Shanon, one of the things I appreciate about you is that you clearly exemplify how to keep death in perspective, and how to not stop living just because you are dying. The truth is, if more people would remember every day that they are in fact dying, the world would be a different place... better, more alive. If we are to be casual about anything, it SHOULD be death... instead people are casual about living. Living should be what we get passionate about. I really believe this is your legacy, Shanon, to all of us... in the midst of dying (and this means all of us every day) be sure to live abundantly.

    Take good care of yourself, Beautiful!

    May today and every day bring to you a ridiculous abundance of whatever you need. May all your concerns, struggles, anxieties and fears fall like ashes as you rise on eagle's wings, SOARING above all that would hinder you along this tremendous adventure of being and becoming all you are created to be (and even in this you are still becoming). May the grace of God simply "overtake" you moment by moment. May the joy and victory of the risen Lord be yours in a very personal way... may you always be overwhelmed by the grace of God, rather than by the cares of life! AMEN.

    {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

    3842 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/10/2010 12:23:26 PM
    Um this is the first blog of your I have read. The first paragraph had me laughing and then I kept reading and got really worried, then I read the last part and I am sure this is not your time. I like that you have your dr. number and are smart enough to use it. I also appreciate how considerate you were trying to make your death on those who love you.

    I think you have a fantastic attitude and sense of humor! I am adding you cause I gotta know that you are ok!! Take care, and keep smiling! Jan
    3842 days ago
    My, My, you are going to make me cry....u remind me of my husband, and how is mind would run away with him.. I tried to cheer him up as much as I could, but, I wasn't him and when I look back on it now, i feel guilty for trying to be so "happy go lucky" all the time...but i will tell you one thing, your STATE OF MIND means EVERYTHING.so, from what i've read in your blog, YOU AREN'T READY and you aren't going anywhere..I will say this too, you will know when the time is coming...i truly beleive in my heart, that my husband "gave" up 2 weeks before he died..and i think he had made peace with himself and God that he was ready...he had a HUGE meltdown, and I had never seen my husband cry that hard...he felt like an awful father, for not being able to play with him on the beach and pool at our last family vacation...he was on oxygen, and it was an ordeal to go anywhere..but he truly lived for his son as long as he could...he was supposed to die two years earlier during heart surgery,but his WILL TO LIVE amazed everyone,EVEN THE DOCTORS.. so, believe in yourself...and stop this silly nonsense about how you will make it "convenient" for everyone else on when you die...you will die on YOUR OWN TERMS AND NO ONE ELSE'S, and sister, if you aren't done then YOU AREN'T DONE!! it's VERY hard to do, but take ONE DAY, ONE HOUR, ONE MINUTE at a time....Yes, our time is up to God, but, there is so much as can do on this earth that makes a difference and DONT YOU FORGET IT!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3842 days ago
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