Scaring myself...silly girl
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Okay, back in May when the Doc told me I probably would not be around come Christmas time, I had the thought...."Gee, I would hate to ruin anyone's holidays forevermore" My thought was by dying near or on Thanksgiving or Christmas, when that holiday comes around each year, it would be remembered as the anniversary of my death and therefore put a damper on the festivities.
In my thoughts, I was thinking (please keep in mind that I just ain't right) that before or after the holidays would be a better time to die. Not just because of the death anniversary thing but also because people that I want to be at my memorial service would be able to attend and not be swamped with the Thanksgiving / Christmas obligations.
So....I'm giving serious thought to this back in May and was like "HMMM, October the 10th 2010...yeah...10-10-10...it will look neat engraved on the lil name plate thing...and easy to remember....and it is a Sunday...the memorial service can be scheduled for the next Sat...yep, that will work (again, I ain't right)
First, let me clarify, I have no intention of making this a fulfilling thing. I am ready to die I guess but I'm not READY...I still feel to alive and stuff...anyway....
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon..10-08-10...Out of no where my abdomen starts swelling just below my sternum. I have had no surface sensations on my stomach since 08 when the Whipple surgery was done. My belly hurts to touch. It is warm...like it has fever... there is a hard knotty area beneath the swollen area skin(about the size of a orange)... I don't feel "bad"...I am NOT running a fever... my belly hurts to the touch, feels hot and hurts when I
get up or sit down in a chair from the movement.
Now, this is a strange and different so I am a lil freaked out..plus it is Friday afternoon late...docs already gone...THEN I REALIZE THE DATE!!!!
I scared the dog doo out of me! I am not real superstitious but with this just happening out of the blue for no apparent reason..just days before the 10-10-10 date...UGH! I got thinking that it was something swelling internally that would burst and poison my system and have me dead by Sunday night....I DON"T want my death to be long and strung out and a quick thing like a total body poisoning from an exploded something or other internal would be a good thing probably....BUT...just ain't ready yet...I know...Silly me.
I put a call into the doctors office and get told that the on call doc would call me back....He did (almost 2 hours later)..of course, it is NOT my oncologist..it is one out of another clinic that they all split weekend on call duties....hhmph!
I explain to him what is going on (sans the 10-10-10 stuff) and he tells me that he will call in an antibiotic and for me to keep an eye on it. If the swelling continues or I start vomiting...get to the emergency room. Otherwise just take the antibiotics for the weekend and see my regular oncologist Monday.
He seemed very unconcerned which eased my mind somewhat. But what eases my mind even more is that I have MY oncologist's personal cell phone number..if it gets any worse, I will call him and then go from there. Maybe should have called him from the start but because of the 10-10-10 stuff (which no one but y'all know about) I felt like I was over reacting.
So....I managed to skeer the bejesus outta myself by having overthunk something months ago.
I am ready except for piddling stuff like getting rid of the last of the junk out of my extra bedroom and little stuff like that. All the arrangements were made forever ago. I asked and received forgiveness for my sins and have a kicking relationship with God. But I'm not READY to die yet...I feel to alive, I just ain't DONE!
I realize that some people will take offense to my casual attitude about death and all of these things but that is okay.. I deal with my strife the way I deal with it. I do believe in being open and honest about death because it is just a natural part of life. I don't want to have a long strung out painful death but I'm also not ready to leap on the exit ramp yet.
Okay...that is off my chest...should I, by some weird twist of fate, die this weekend...well, number one..that would be God's plan..it is all on his time frame, not mine. Number two...Linda, be sure to print this and give it to Tina for me...(it would come under the "TOO FREAKING WEIRD" heading)..and thirdly...hmmm that is what I get for over thinking situations all the time!